The Bronx Rules

I lived in the Bronx and its environs on and off for almost thirty years. I like the Bronx. Its a nice place to visit and to work and to live. I know this quite well because I did all those things there and I did it well.
Here are my top ten ways to recognize a Bronx native and why it just does not have thing to do with anything you ever thought before.

10. We tip. Yes, actually if you bring us a sack of food we give you some extra dollars for trudging it up to our front door and being so very nice about the whole thing. We give ya bucks that come straight from our wallet and we never blink twice about this. Then again we would never think about throwing a wedding with a cash bar. Just fuggedaboutit.

9. We would not be caught DEAD in public in pajamas. I dunno if it is vanity or savoir faire but you ya know you can travel anywhere in the city of New York and you are just not going to see anyone outfitted in pajamas Now you might find a cowboy playing a guitar in his skivvies in Times Square and it is not entirely unusual for certain people to walk around stark naked, but no pajamas. I know how disturbed people would be to learn that I now live in an area, in the United States, where the ultimate outfit has been worn all night, is made from flannel and will be worn tonight again. All this without ever changing or laundering. Its just so not a Bronx thing. A few weeks ago, a young woman came to my office, where I was doing an assessment on her boyfriend. I was ever so polite, but could not resist asking her the question that has baffled me for a few years now, "Can you tell me why you wore your pajamas to the appointment today? After all, this is a doctors office and it is 3:30 in the afternoon". She smiled at me and replied, "I know it is a doctor's office and I would not have worn them, but I did not have time to change after school". Okay I thought. Touche. That is not a question I will ask again.

8. We know how to parallel park. There are no malls or shopping centers with ultra large parking lots. There are streets where people shop. Jerome Avenue, Fordham Road, or White Plains Road all come to mind when you are trying to find everything and anything you need. You have to know how to maneuver the vehicle without smashing bumpers and so that is lines up with the meter. You do develop triceps and biceps and your neck will rotate further than the average non New Yorker, but you do it. The automobile must be within two feet of the curb and if it is not the meter maid will give you a ticket.

7. We take the price tags and size tags off our hats. At least we did. I do not know about the past five years.
Maybe things have changed since I moved away, or maybe not. I know that when I was a child there was a comedienne named Minnie Pearl. Ms. Pearls outfit included this outlandish hat with a price tag hanging off of it. I can never get this image out of my mind when I meet someone for the first time and the large gold or silver sticker with the hat size is still firmly attached to the bill of his cap. I do admire the pristine condition of the prominently displayed hat size sticker but I am curious about it. Is the size of our head now a status symbol? Is there something I missed here? Ya know the whole pants on the ground caught me off guard, maybe the size sticker has something to do with modern culture that has escaped my notice?

6. We know breakfast. Yes, we do. Breakfast is easy in the Bronx and it is fast, tasty and not warmed up in a microwave or shot at you through a window on the side of a fast food joint. It is relatively easy to order and it arrives in your hands moments later. Its a buttered roll with a regular coffee or my favorite - a bacon, egg and cheese on a roll. It comes to you in wax paper and it is piping hot and delicious. The best part of breakfast is that you find your own breakfast deli and after three days you no longer have to place an order. You simply step up to the counter and the guy knows your order and he hands it to you. You do not have to say a word, just pay the money and go. It's efficient, its clean, and its just the way things are done.

5. The Bronx has its very own island. Yes. Few know this but the Bronx has it's own island, City Island. Not many people know this, but having lived there from graduate school to wedding day I know it well. It is, not as advertised, a small New England like oasis in the city, but it is an island. It has a lot of seagulls, fish restaurants and bungalows. When I lived on Carroll St, every year the residents got together and chipped in for sand which was then poured on the water's edge of our small street. It was a great place to drag your lawn chair, sip your coffee and read your New York Daily News before a hard day of work and a super great place to bring your date for a night cap after a Saturday dinner and a movie. I never swam in the waters off of City Island but my neighbors did. They were not mindful of the oil globs and the tar stained beach as I was, but then how much I have learned about petroleum and wildlife since then. I loved seeing City Island in such great films as A Bronx Tale and Awakenings and cannot wait to see Andy Garcia's City Island. I bet if I walked into the City Island Eats today the waitresses would not say a word, but hand me my black coffee and bacon, egg and cheese sandwich and hold out their hands for my payment.

4. You can be a dog owner and find housing. Nothing has been more disturbing than living in an area where dogs are not welcome. My dog happens to be my full time immediate family. He and I are bonded quite fiercely and we would live in my car before allowing separation. Actually we once did live in my car so as not to be separated but that's another story entirely. Of c course people in the Bronx own breeds other than pit bulls. You can walk your pet down any street and pass several breeds but the only pit bulls you will see are those employed by the chop shops as security guards. I have to carry my dog when I walk him often now. We live in an area that pretty much unwelcomes dogs but those do own them, own only dogs of a the Staffordshire terrier breed. My dog would be eaten in one or two bites by a "pit" so as soon as one comes into sight I pick up Albee and carry him. In the Bronx, dog owners have imagination and choose all types of breed dog based on companionship and compatibility. No wonder they allow you to keep a dog in your apartment?

3. If a Bronxite sees someone get shot, stabbed or mutilated they talk to the police. There are gangs in the Bronx and do they exert some influence but not so much as they do in other places. Consequently, gangs are not as easily facilitated by a frightened public, in committing crimes against others. Perhaps it is the diversity of the ethnicity or the sheer need for the average Bronxite to keep their children safe as they walk to school, but you cannot do a drive by in broad daylight, in the Bronx and not expect someone to ID you to the police. Contrary to popular misconception, New Yorkers are not apathetic at all. Yes, they do refuse to make eye contact on subway trains and they do walk quickly and purposefully but they are, by no means threatened by petty thugs and gangstas who rule the streets in other cities. They squawk, they talk and they snitch. And then, they pose for a photo op in The Post.

2. You never have to send your food back in a restaurant. New York is city of restaurants. The restaurants are plentiful and it is not the number of Michelin stars it earns that makes it a favorite. In addition, on any given block, you can find any food you like. Pizza, curry goat, Arroz con Pollo, Falafels, deli sandwiches, Chinese and rib joints can all be found within a three block radius. It is not just the range of menu items but the quality of offerings that makes the Bronx and all the city borough restaurants so great. It does not matter which borough you live in, there is a neighborhood favorite just around the corner from a Michelin four star Boite. The best part of the Bronx is that the food is always good. Yea, it may be mi spelled on the menu but no steps are skipped in the kitchen. I miss my "Brocilli Quiche". I knew they had misspelled the vegetable but they got the recipe right and that is ultimately what mattered.

1. You can count on the kindness of strangers. Yes, you can. It does not matter if you are in a power outage, in the midst of a transit strike, in the middle of an unexpected snow storm or just attacked by extreme fundamentalist terrorists. If you are on your hands and knees, bleeding on a sidewalk, someone is going to come by and ask you if you are alright and even try to pick you up off the ground. Obstacles bring out the best in New York City. Give them hardship they will reciprocate with humanity. New Yorkers, as I said before, are mistaken for being cold and cruel. The fact is that New Yorkers do not sweat small stuff. People are not petty and they look past a lot of nonsense every day, but when the unimaginable occurs they rally.

This is a culture in which people understand that life is short and sweet. Life is full of mishaps and mayhem but it is ultimately a celebration of diversity, pride and humanity. I miss the rally.