The Buddha and Friendship

As with most ancient philosophies, the philosophy of Siddhartha Gautama, better known as the Buddha, speaks of the importance of friendship. One might think friendship would count for little in a philosophy where the goal is the seemingly otherworldly, metaphysical idea of nirvana, liberation from the cycle of life and death. On the contrary, the Buddha focused on the concrete aspects of life, on both its sufferings (the recognition of which is at the core of Buddhism) and its joys, such as friendship, which can help lead to some measure of happiness in this life.

There are important mentions of friendship in the discourses of the Pali Canon, one of Buddhism's oldest collections of texts, one of which, directed by the Buddha to laypersons, we will focus on here. As it is directed toward the laity and not toward monks, it is somewhat more applicable to the daily life of most people -- Buddhist or otherwise. What follows is a summary of the main points and comments upon the ideas of the Buddha.

In the Sigalaka Sutta, we find the Buddha engaged in discussion with a young man named Sigalaka.[i] When they encounter each other, Sigalaka is paying homage to the six directions (east, south, west, north, nadir and zenith), an ancient Indian tradition. When the Buddha sees him doing this, he asks him why he pays homage. Sigalaka replies that he does so because of tradition, because his father instructed him to do this. The Buddha then informs him that he is doing it incorrectly, that it isn't the proper way to pay homage. In actuality, says the Buddha, the six directions represent six relationships in life and the proper way to pay homage is to conduct those relationships in the proper manner. For our purposes the direction we will focus on is north as it represents the relationship between friends and companions. Homage is paid to the north when friendship is conducted in the proper manner -- that is to say when a person ministers to his or her companions "by gift, by kindly words, by looking after their welfare, by treating them like himself, and by keeping his word." Furthermore, it is expected that the companion will reciprocate "by looking after him when he is inattentive, by looking after his property when he is inattentive, by being a refuge when he is afraid, by not deserting him when he is in trouble, and by showing concern for his children." So, it seems from this passage that, for the Buddha, friendship consists, at least in part, as a reciprocal relationship. I think it is this reciprocal nature which separates friendship from acquaintanceship or the benevolent feelings we should, ideally, feel for humanity in general. Certainly we should use kind words with people whether they are our friends or not, and certainly we should try to treat others like we want to be treated ourselves (this sort of variation on the "golden rule" being present in virtually all ethical systems.) But, with strangers and acquaintances, we generally don't expect much in return - certainly not anything to the level of what the Buddha mentions. However, with one we call a friend, we do tend to expect that sort of concern, and it is likewise expected of us. I think maybe it seems strange to some that one should talk of reciprocity in and the pragmatic benefits of friendship. Some would want to think of friendship as a purely selfless sort of relationship where a person does everything for his or her friend with nothing in return, without even the thought of personal benefit. Certainly this may sometimes be a good thing, say if a person were to give his or her own life to save the life of a friend - obviously such an act would be selfless in that it could never be reciprocated. However, such acts are rare, and, thankfully, rarely needed. In common, everyday life it seems reciprocity in friendship is needed. Without it, the person who is acting to benefit his or her friend would probably feel unloved and used. Such a relationship probably will not last long and surely couldn't be called friendship. It would be something perhaps closer to servitude which is certainly not something associated with friendship. Maybe there is a middle ground between the idealism of selflessness in friendship and the pragmatism of reciprocity in the root and goal of that reciprocity. There are different forms of reciprocity based on their roots and goals. For example, I go to a restaurant and order a meal. I eat my meal and then pay a set amount for it. This is a form of reciprocity. Possible roots of it include simply wanting to do the right thing or a feeling a gratitude for a good meal. Its goals could range from avoiding punishment for not paying as this is a socially enforced reciprocity to making it possible for the restaurant to remain in business so that it may be enjoyed again. The reciprocity in friendship seems to be different. At its root, it may stem from a desire to make the other person feel happy or loved. Its goal may be to keep the friendship alive so that both parties can feel happiness. I realize that this view might lean too much toward a sort of idealism. Certainly criticisms can be raised against it. But, isn't that the point? I've given you, hopefully, something to think about. Aren't I a good friend? You can reciprocate, if you wish, by sharing your ideas with me in the comments section below. However, let's stop our talk of reciprocity in the Buddha's philosophy here now. It will be discussed again as it is a subject that is important to several philosophers -- including the one to be discussed next time: Aristotle.

Reference:
The Buddha. Sigalaka Sutta, selections. In In the Buddha's Words: An Anthology of Discourses from the Pali Canon. Edited and introduced by Bhikkhu Bodhi. Somervile: Wisdom Publications, 2005. 116-18.

[i]Sigalaka Sutta, selections. In In the Buddha's Words: An Anthology of Discourses from the Pali Canon. Edited and introduced by Bhikkhu Bodhi. Somervile: Wisdom Publications, 2005. 116-18.