The Bureau of Where Stuff Belongs

I have decided that the world desperately needs a new Global body, which I intend to head up, and name the International Bureau That Standardizes Where Stuff Goes in Retail Stores.

Upon proper reflection, I think that you will all agree that this is a long overdue and very necessary change to global regulation.

Today, I tried to buy go-cups. We are a go-cup family, and we currently have eight go-cups in various styles and constructed of various materials, from plastic to steel. Some are the sleek and stylish kind that fit in vehicle cup-holders perfectly. Others, shaped somewhat like your correspondent, are a little too broad around the base to fit properly in a vehicle cup-holder, and I am not a fan of watching hot cups of coffee wobble precariously on the dashboard while I am driving, so I do not consider those ones to be useful go-cups. We also own nine go-cup lids, most of which do not fit on any of the go-cups that we currently possess.

All of which led to today's go-cup buying spree and, ultimately, my quest to create the IBTSWSGIRS. My plan was to buy four new go-cups, sleekly and universally styled to fit in any and every vehicle go-cup holder that our various vehicles have. I would then donate all of our existing go-cups to people who, unlike me, don't give a damn how the lids fit, or whether or not they fit properly in the holders. That, or throw them in the garbage. Whatever.

Our first stop was at Canadian Tire, a chain store that sells, of course, patio furniture, toasters, sporting goods, tools and automotive accessories. There is a rumour that they also sell, from time to time, tires. Canadian Tire keeps its go-cups in the automotive accessories section, next to self-sticking dashboard hula dancers, fuzzy dice and cardboard evergreen trees that smell like household disinfectant.

I couldn't find the right cups there, so decided to check out Wal-Mart, where go-cups are displayed next to Thermos bottles, cookie sheets and burpable plastic storage containers. It struck me that both of these stores carry the same items (except for the dashboard hula dancers-a clear indication of Wal-Mart's complete lack of vehicle fashion sense) but that they both choose to put the items that I'm looking for in different places. And, as so often happens when I'm shopping, I can't discern the logic behind their product placement decision.

There is more to the IBTSWSGIRS, though, than just go-cups. I also have difficulty with the logic behind grocery store product placements. I know that coffee filters are made of paper, but that does not, in my mind, mean that they should be wedged between toilet paper and paper towels. No, they should be right there, next to the coffee. And while sugar cubes are, without question, sugar, they can really only be used for one thing; to put in coffee. So, move them out of the sugar aisle, and put them next to the damned coffee filters. Who decided that sweetener should be next to spices and beef bouillon, or that diced garlic belongs next to lettuce, instead of in the section which should be clearly labeled "Things you can put in food to make it taste better"?

No matter what logic is applied, is there any reason that stores can't all use the same plan? Few things frustrate me more than going into a strange grocery store, after finally getting used to the most recent re-line of my own store, which has seen tomato paste moved from the "Things you put in spaghetti sauce" section to the "Canned Fruits and vegetables" section only to find that the store that I'm in has moved tomato paste to a display next to the garlic bread, in the "Things you eat with spaghetti" section.

Since my complaints on the matter have been met with a number of variations on "Thank you for your comments and concerns. Please shop somewhere else" I am proposing this international body. I am sure that these large chains pay ridiculous amounts of money to consultants to tell them which placements will generate the highest levels of sales. Given that these same stores, guided by the same consultants, constantly change their minds on where these magic placements might be, I can only assume that the consultants haven't the faintest idea what they're doing.

I can be wrong just as easily as any consultant, but I only have to be wrong once. After that, product placements will be permanently fixed and, even if you can't understand my logic, you will have become used to where things are, and will be much better off than you are now. I will then be able to spend my time wandering through stores ensuring compliance and, in the case of Texas, imposing the death penalty on store owners who can't remember where the coffee filters go.

Write to your MLA, MP, Congressman or Senator now and express your support for the IBTSWSGIRS. Thank you.