The Burger King: Pure Evil or Just Simply Creepy?

We were at a Renaissance Faire a while back and, naturally enough, everybody involved was dressed in period clothing. Stranger still was the amazing number of visitors-locals mainly I would guess-who also came fully decked out in tights that left nothing to the imagination, or dresses that allowed any number of bosoms to give lie to the myth that gravity isn't just a good idea, it's the law. I can only imagine what a Renaissance Faire must smell like during the height of summer; fortunately, it was actually cold the day we went and so the smell of leather and pleather and suede and women in long, long gowns and-the cloaks, oh my gosh, the cloaks-didn't get too severely ripe. But midway through our travel back in time there appeared a false idol, a king who is not a king, as fully decked out in royal robes as the real king who had reigned over the joust-see my video for the outcome of that, it's worth it. This false king was none other than...the Burger King! Yes, the Burger King had arrived, complete with a mask to prove that he was simply a phantom, a phony, and a usurper.

I have to tell you, that Burger King gives me the creeps. How about you? That strange, inhuman smile that is eternally plastered on his face reminds of nothing so much as, well, that strange inhuman smile that used to be eternally plastered on the face of Pres. George W. Bush until he went out naked among the crowd one time too often and Keith Olbermann finally rubbed his eyes and announced that the king had no clothes. But I digress.

The Burger King. Has there been a corporate figure so dishearteningly evil in appearance? Latinos might point to the Frito Bandito, but you've got to admit that guy had one catchy theme song. African-Americans have any number of candidates though I expect the whole controversy surrounding the late Sambo's Restaurant may fill them with more invective than anything else. Admittedly, the Burger King doesn't offend any particular ethnic group, but he does offend. I have yet to meet anyone who hasn't used the word creepy to describe this character. Which is why it is so odd...

...that Burger King decided to use him in a video game sold exclusively at their restaurants. I suspect there is an attraction to this character among certain elements not unlike, say, Garbage Pail Kids, whoopee cushions, or Michael Bolton. He appeals precisely because he does appear to have written his name in the Devil's book is what I'm saying. I'm not so sure that his attraction is so great that the next big thing that Burger King has in mind for their creepy king (one could very well change the lyrics of that Creepy Girl song that Tom Servo sings quite easily) will be as successful as the video games.

Following in the footsteps of Geico releasing their cavemen to ABC for a sitcom, Burger King has apparently gotten it into their heads that the cure for sequels, remakes, TV to movie translations and just plain incompetent filmmaking is a movie based upon their creepy, mute spokesman. While I think the idea of that Geico caveman sitcom has potential, I simply cannot imagine the Burger King feature film being a success either artistically or commercially. Of course, I've been wrong on these things before. I'm still astounded by the ridiculous critical and commercial success of Titanic and Lord of the Rings.

On the other hand, I have the perfect pitch for those guys wanting to get financing for a Burger King movie. Considering the fact that the Burger King wears that incredibly creepy mask, why not make him into a serial killer? A serial killer who grinds up his victims and turns them into hamburger patties and chicken nuggets sold in kids' meals all across the world? Even I would pay to see that movie.