The Burglar in the Bathroom

Lightning flashed across the darkened sky, lighting everything to noontime brightness for a split second. It was just long enough for Sirena Houston to see that she was not alone in her living room any longer. The large figure just inside the window stood in stark contrast to the bright rectangle behind it, and sent a shock of terror to her very soul. This was not the way she'd envisioned her first night in her new home would be.

Sirena had worked hard for many years to be able to afford to retire in comfort, and she was thrilled to have found the perfect place within the first three months after her job had ended. It was a comfortable cottage, just right for one, and it sat in the middle of 10 acres of land that could only be described as nature at it's best. Beautiful old valley oaks that had been standing longer than Sirena had been alive dotted the land, wildflowers grew wherever the tree's shade allowed it, and there was a creek that tumbled over rocks of all sizes that ran all the way across. She wasn't sure if there were any fish in there, but it didn't really matter to her, as the quiet, rippling sound of the water dancing across those rocks was what impressed her most. Even better, there was an area with hookups for RVs, which would allow her kids and grandkids to visit and stay comfortably whenever they wished. Life couldn't have been much better.

The only drawback was the fact that her nearest neighbors were about a half mile away, although that wasn't really a bad thing. She loved the space to roam without people watching her every move, so the only part that was a concern - and a very minor one, to her mind - was that she couldn't just holler for help and have someone close enough to hear her. But then, when would she ever really need that kind of help, right? There was the home phone and her cell phone, so she figured come what may, whatever she needed was only a phone call away. Until tonight, that is. Now, having finally begun living the life she'd only dreamed of for so many years, trouble had come calling, and Sirena didn't know how to answer.

Once the flash was over and the room turned dark again, Sirena heard the figure she'd seen moving around. She tried to think of what she should do, knowing that if she could hear him moving, he'd be able to hear her, too. That was something she wanted to avoid at all cost. He home phone was out of commission, having been cut off along with the lights by one of the many lightening flashes that she'd been seeing for the last half hour or so. She had her cell in the pocket of her robe, but she knew when she used it there would be too much sound associated with it, so that option was out the window, too. No, she had to think of something else, and she had to do it quickly, because the next flash showed the figure had moved away from the window and was heading toward the sofa she was hiding behind. She decided she had to try to move as quietly as possible, hope the figure would head into the kitchen, and she could make it to the bathroom before he realized she was there. She said a silent prayer and began scooting away from the side of the sofa nearest the kitchen door.

She had reached the end of the sofa and was ready to slip around to the side so he couldn't see her when another flash of lightening showed her he was right on the other end, about two steps from the kitchen. She held her breath, hoping he wouldn't look around and see her before she could get out of view, and said another silent prayer of thanks when she'd made it and could hear him rummaging around through the cupboards and drawers. Under cover of that noise, she got up and walked quickly but quietly toward the bathroom, closing the door and locking it behind her once she'd made it. Then she got into the bathtub, carefully pulled the curtain across, and pulled the cell phone out of her pocket. She quickly dialed 911 and waited for someone to answer. As it turned out, that took a lot longer than she'd hoped.

As she sat in the dark, waiting for someone to come on the line and send her some help, she listened carefully to the sounds the intruder was making. He apparently went though all her cupboards, all the drawers, and the table her computer sat on, looking for something of value, no doubt. Aside from the computer itself, which was probably too much trouble to mess with, she really had nothing that anyone else would value in there, so it didn't take him long to move back to the living room. She knew once he'd ransacked that room, her bedroom would be next, and once he saw she wasn't in bed sleeping, he'd probably try the bathroom in an attempt to find her. She wasn't sure what he'd do if he found her, but she knew she wouldn't like it, and didn't want to find out. She was still waiting for someone to answer, and wondered what on earth could be keeping them this long. Finally she heard a voice saying "911 emergency, what is your problem?" At the very same time, however, she heard the bedroom door open and knew she didn't have much time, and if he heard her talking, she'd have even less.

As quietly as possible, she explained to the operator that she was alone, there was no electricity, and there was an intruder in her house, closing in on her at that very minute. The operator seemed somewhat bored with her problem, and asked her to explain more clearly what was going on. As Sirena tried to do that, she heard the rattle of the bathroom door and told the operator to get the police out to her house NOW. The doorknob shaking became louder and more urgent, and before five more seconds had passed she heard him trying to push the door open with his shoulder. Still the 911 operator wanted more explanations, but by now Sirena wasn't in the mood to give her any more and simply repeated that she needed the police immediately, then began trying to think of what she was going to do.

She was amazed at how quickly thoughts came into her mind and were discarded as she tried to come up with a plan that might keep her from harm. "Maybe I can pull the shower curtain down over his head, tangle him up and then run.....but to where?" No good. "I could shove him hard, knocking him back against the door and....no, he'd be right in the way and I still couldn't get out." No good. Picking up the bar of soap from the shelf hanging over the shower head, she thought she could throw that at him, then realized it would do nothing. By this time he'd reached for the curtain and was drawing it back, looking for her, and there was no time left to think. She dropped the soap, then realized that since it was still wet from her shower, she now had soap all over her hand, and reached up and wiped it into his eyes as his face appeared. "Yaaaaah!" he yelled, stumbling backwards and clawing at his eyes, trying to stop the fire she'd started in them.

Looking around for a weapon, Sirena saw the toilet brush in it's stand beside the toilet, grabbed it and started banging him on the head with it, scraping his face with the bristles. This caused him to yell even louder, probably more from anger than pain, and begin reaching out, trying to lay his hands on her so he could stop her from doing anything else. Too late, however, because she'd spotted the can of air freshener she kept on the counter, grabbed it, and aimed it at his face. She pushed on the button and a stream of citrus-scented spray spewed directly into his already-burning eyes, taking that burn from hot to hellfire in half a second. Screaming, he began trying to find his way out of the bathroom, tripped over the bathmat, and fell head first into the toilet. Never one to miss an opportunity, Sirena slammed the lid down on his head and flushed, as she'd seen bullies do to other kids in movies. Sirena was not a violent person, and she'd always thought that was a particularly harsh way to treat people, but to be honest, she felt nothing but pleasure from doing it to this invader. He, of course, wasn't thrilled with it at all.

At the third flush - Sirena couldn't help herself, she was having such a fun time - two policemen rushed in, took a look at the scene before them, and burst out laughing. She was relieved to see help had finally arrived, but at the same time she regretted that she'd now have to hand the guy over to them. She was having the best time she'd had in months, and the knowledge that she'd faced up to the danger he'd presented and handled it quite nicely, thank you very much, was the best confidence builder she'd had in years. As for the burglar, his shame at having been beaten up by a little old lady was totally demoralizing, but having had it witnessed by and laughed over by the cops as they hauled him away was even worse. Knowing that it would surely make the "Stupidest Criminal" shows and make him the laughingstock of everyone he knew made him wish he'd been flushed down the drain.

After all the interviews, congratulatory phone calls and visits from friends, and her family's heartfelt exclamations of relief that she'd been able to take care of herself in that situation were over, she got back to her quiet and happy life with a new sense of well-being. She knew that no matter what came, she'd be able to deal with it......especially if it happened in her bathroom.