The Busted Condom

So far, it was just another warm spring day at the furniture warehouse. All the bay doors were open, letting the balmy April breeze flow refreshingly through the loading dock. My manager Jason carefully checked off the freight that Moody, Johnny, and I were unloading. Our buddy Nick was on the cherry picker, putting the newly arrived furniture in the racks.

As usual, we were goofing around, making the hard chore a little more fun. Jason was a cool manager; a 6'6", curly-haired cut-up that always made us laugh. His latest joke (the punchline: "Fluctuations? No, Fluctyou AMERICANS!") had Nick laughing so hard, he accidentally ran the cherry picker into a very expensive Italian leather sofa.

We stopped unloading the truck to inspect the damage, which was quite severe. Nick was tripping! Our boss was a REAL hardass and a tightwad who looked at warehouse guys as one step above cockroaches, yet one step below rats. Nicky thought for sure he was going to get sent out for a piss test he knew he could not pass!

"Oh, shit", he whispered, his eyes as big as two Mrs. Fields cookies. "I just got high this morning, man! What am I gonna do?"

"Relax", said Jason, the coolest boss who ever lived, "Y'all know I don't smoke. I can piss clean. You got a condom, bro?" That impish glint in the big man's eye told me he was up to something; after all, Nick's old man was tight with the owner, so it was very unlikely that he was going to be called for Operation GoldenFlow.

"Yeah", said Nick, the playah that he was, "I got some out in the car."

"Well, go get me one and I'll fill it for ya. If you carefully stash it in yer drawers, it'll stay warm."

Nick took ol' Johnny with him to the car. Johnny was a young buck, barely 17, but big as a clydesdale. He was a good kid, but had an unfortunate habit of layin' the bullshit on a little thick (example: "When I lived in Georgia, I run these two A-rab terr'ists outta town with my .45!"). Jason had the Prank-Monkey look in his eye, but it was hard to tell who the target was going to be.

"Watch this!", he told Moody and I. "I'm gonna fill this condom up with tap water. Don't say nothin' guys, alright?"

"Alright", we said, speculating at the evil plan forming in his twisted brain. Was he really gonna send poor ol' Nicky out to Doctor Yeller with a rubber full of tap water? That'd get him busted for sure!

When the boys came back with the "75-cent Insurance Policy", Jason took it into the john. Nick waited anxiously, his tattoo-covered arms crossed tightly. Minutes later, Jason emerged from the warehouse bathroom carrying the warm, jiggly water-filled condom.

"Here, Nick. Now be REAL careful, because it could - *WOOPS!*" He tripped over an extension cord, falling forward in a way that Chevy Chase would envy. The condom flies from his hands, exploding as it hits young Johnny, soaking his shirt completely.

Needless to say, the four of us were roaring with laughter as Johnny stood paralyzed with disbelief. Seconds later, you could tell he was sizing the four of us up, trying to decide which one he should slug first. Knowing that some serious hell was fixin' to break loose, Jason quickly let him know that it was only warm tap water that was dripping from his hulking frame.

Once he realized he wasn't covered in Jason's peepee, he started laughing as well (dammit, you HAD to be able to take a joke to work with us!). "You sons o' bitches! Oh, hell, y'all just wait! Ya got me good, Jason, but paybacks are a motherf@#%er, boy."

Working for that particular furniture outlet was one of the toughest, most back-breaking jobs I ever had. I spent four long years working 60 hours or more for a man who treated his muscle-men like shit on his heel. But, dammit, I miss those boys, especially Jason. They actually made that soul-crushing hell-hole fun to work in! Of all the men who worked with me, only Jason and Nick remain (they're like brothers).

Yeah, I got pranked every bit as bad, too, but you better believe I gave every bit as good as I got! I know it seems immature to some folks who've never done long hours of hard labor, but you gotta have your fun to keep from going mad. I have had some fun on the job before, but the boys at @#$%&*'s Furniture were the craziest bunch of lunatics a knuckle-dragger like me could ever wanna work with! God bless you boys, and good luck wherever y'all end up in this dog-eat-dog world!