The Busy Woman's How-to Guide for Weight Loss

If you are a 30- or 40-something woman, chances are that you have a love/hate relationship with that little monster on your bathroom or bedroom floor: the scale. Some days it is your friend. More often than not, you would like to throw it against the nearest wall, smashing it into a hundred tiny pieces.

Based on the advertising I see on television and in cyberspace - not to mention the plethora of ads on satellite radio and the like - weight loss is on the hearts and minds of many. And in case you have not noticed, the quicker one can melt those pounds away, the better.

So, forget those supplements and the various establishments out there to which one can pay ten or more dollars a day for meals and exercise tips and accountability. Having been a part of the weight loss game for a good decade or more, here are a few fool-proof ways I have found to rapidly shed some unwanted pounds.

1. Food poisoning

Nothing drops two to three pounds quicker than a few hours or days bowing at the porcelain throne as you offer obeisance to it from both ends of the spectrum.

As to not cause offense to any restaurateurs out there, I will not list specific establishments more likely to assist one in the acquisition of this lovely malady (you are on your own with that one). But for the do-it-yourself-at-home aficionado, one might try undercooked pork or chicken or the ever-popular expired mayo on turkey and rye.

2. A bout with strep throat

The temptation of that slice of cheesecake or pan of brownies is easily circumvented when one-hundred razor blades are scraping at one's throat with each swallow. Not to mention the imagined visual of a pus-filled throat. Ah, yes, this is the joy that is strep throat.

Depending on one's threshold for pain, one might delay the trip to the doctor until the rash appears. I would not go much past this myself - we are talking one's health here, and antibiotics would surely be recommended at this point. However, with several days of a liquid-only diet, a few pounds will easily melt away.

3. Morning sickness

This one may seem a bit extreme, and it is definitely not guaranteed. And, of course, after a few weeks or months of this, you will eventually gain weight, not to mention that adorable new addition to the family. However, during those early months of gestation, in the event that what goes down comes right back up, the scale will tip backwards for a while.

4. A nasty break-up

This is another method that is not completely fool-proof. For some, getting or giving the boot to that significant other may actually cause open-mouth-insert-food disease. But for at least half of all women experiencing the thrills of a break-up, there will be a sudden loss of appetite. Run with that. After all, when you see that jerk a month or two from now, imagine the look on his face when he views the slimmer, sexier woman that he let get away.

5. Idiot family members

The phone rings and you hear...

"I just met the perfect guy for you! He's coming over for dinner tomorrow, so be here at six and wear that lovely yellow dress I bought you..."

Or you are sitting down to a nice family dinner and the conversation begins with...

"When you are going to get a better job?"

"If I was you, I wouldn't let little Johnny do that. When you were that age..."

There is nothing quite like hearing that parental voice on the other side of the phone line nagging - I mean encouraging - one to get it together, meet that perfect guy, or change one's parenting style (never mind that this same person lamenting your parenting efforts raised you and taught you all you know...) to start the stomach acids a-churning.

Or what about that sibling who calls constantly for cash or relationship advice that they never follow or for a couch to crash on (not to mention fridge to raid or car to run out of gas)? And there is always that crazy uncle or grandmother who was found naked on the roof last week (video footage at eleven).

Family. We love 'em, but there are times when just the sound of that voice on the other side of the phone line is sure to bring the bile right up to the back of the throat. But look on the bright side! The tummy tumbling that often comes after wrestling through family matters will surely make that quart of ice cream hiding in the fridge much less appealing.

Don't have any of these relationship challenges? Tune in to a few episodes of Jerry or Maury. You will be certain to put down that Big Mac after just a few minutes.

6. Or when all else fails, there's always diet and exercise

Yeah, yeah, I know. You were really hoping I wouldn't go there. But it is true. It really does work. And it is a little more sustainable over time.

And honestly, girls, after going through the likes of numbers one through five listed above, what is a bit of calorie counting and a walk or two on the old treadmill?

My point exactly.