The Care and Feeding of Childfree People

Living life as a childfree woman in her late 30's is daily proof of the old saying "everything changes, and everything stays the same."

More people than ever before are choosing to remain childfree, or to have children later in life. No longer is it the case that if you find yourself a thirty-something with no children, and perhaps no spouse, that your friends and family who live a more traditional lifestyle automatically assume something went tragically and horribly wrong with your life. It is now easier than ever before for childfree people, whether married or single, to find opportunities to network and socialize with like-minded people.

So yes, some things change.

But having walked in the shoes of a childfree woman my entire life, I can also say that some things stay the same. People still make assumptions about who I am. Some friends and family who are happily married-with-children assume that my life is sad and lonely, and I just don't realize it yet. The frazzled-and-frustrated set who can't remember the last time they could use the bathroom without a little tyke yelling to them for help finding a lost shoe imagine my world as one of never-ending parties, sleeping in and traveling the world.

The truth is somewhere in between, in much the same way that parenthood seems to fluctuate between joy and new discoveries and the desperate desire for a nap.

The last thing I want to do is come across as "pity me, for I'm so misunderstood." But there's a lot of advice out there on being a new parent, balancing work and family, helping new parents succeed, understanding the trials of parenthood, and making the world a better place for our children.

There's also quite a bit of advice out there on living your life as a childfree person and being happy and fulfilled in your choice.

But I haven't stumbled across many resources offering advice on the care and feeding of the childfree for those of you who aren't in our boat. Okay, we probably don't really need to be fed. But everyone needs a little care now and then. So I offer up a few thoughts on the subject.

Work Dynamics - Or Dynamite

I'm the first to admit that working parents have it rough. Some days, it's all I can do to pull myself together for another day of office drudgery and endless meetings. I cherish the days I don't have to work, stare longingly at the vacation days penned in on my calendar, and dream of hitting the lottery just like everyone else.

I also realize that in terms of scheduling and planning other obligations around my job and trying to find some balance in my life, I probably have it a heck of a lot easier than most working parents. My office-mate has two toddlers. Each morning she flies in late and frazzled, looking like she's put in a full day on the front lines before we've even started. To me, her morning ritual of getting everyone dressed, fed and delivered to their own day's activities sounds like an intensely choreographed production. One upset tummy, spilled cup of juice or temper tantrum can derail the whole thing. I listen to her daily fiasco-of-the-morning as we each grab a coffee, and feel exhaustion setting in just thinking about it.

So yes, I am in awe of working parents, and the first to admit that they get the short end of many sticks. The working moms I know also seem to face the unique challenge of being judged by their fellow mothers. My co-worker tells tales of the stay at home moms in her community looking askance at her because she doesn't have time to scrapbook.

I get it. I really do. So, I think, do most childfree people.

But getting it doesn't mean I don't sometimes get frustrated. When my co-workers with children are constantly late or miss work frequently because of harried morning routines, children's schedules and unexpected illnesses, guess who picks up the slack? I don't mind handling a co-worker's calls, seeing clients who had appointments with her or standing in for her in a meeting. But when these occurrences become so frequent that I can't get my work done without staying late all the time or coming in on the weekends myself, then my patience wears thin.

I chose to be childfree in part so that I would have time for other things that matter to me. Writing is one of those things. To a busy parent, I can understand why having time to go home and work on personal projects doesn't seem as important as their child's school play. But I made the choices I've made to be sure I'd have time for those things, not so that I would be consistently available to work extra hours to pick up someone else's slack.

Don't assume that your childfree co-workers should always step up to the plate because they have "nothing else going on." They do, and to them their somethings are just as important as yours are to you.

At the same time, most of us are more than willing to help out if we're being treated fairly. If my co-worker asks me in advance if I can cover an event or meeting for her because her daycare provider is taking a day off, I'm usually happy to do so. If her little girl wakes up with a fever and she can't make it in to work, I don't mind taking on her critical work for a day. I don't want her to have to leave her sick toddler. But if one day stretches into three, then I really appreciate it if when she does return she offers to help me with things I got behind on while covering her back so that we can both go home on time and have a life.

What's Good For The Goose ...

Is good for the gander, right? If that's the case, then what's good for parents should also be good for the childfree, at least in the workplace.

I once worked for a boss who had raised three children while working full-time. She was very sensitive to the challenges parents face, and open to allowing the working mothers in our office to telecommute a few times a week or work flexible schedules, coming in later so they could get the kids off to school or leaving earlier to pick them up.

I was all for that. We work to live, not live to work, and family is one of the most important things in life. But I found myself angry and resentful when the option of working at home occasionally was much harder to come by for myself and co-workers who also had no children or whose children were grown. A co-worker who wanted to come in earlier in the morning and leave earlier at night so that he could take a college course had to jump through all sorts of hoops, while all a parent with daycare issues had to do was ask.

It is important for managers to exercise fairness in the workplace regardless of situations. That structure created an "us against them" mentality in our office. The childfree and childless among us were resentful of the flexibility given to the parents, because our lifestyles and needs were treated as less important. We spent more time in the office complaining about the unfair treatment and having to cover for the work-at-home parents not being there than we did actually working.

All My Rowdy Friends Have Settled Down

In some ways, it is inevitable. A circle of five close girlfriends forms early on in life, maybe in high school or college. Life is all about academics and dating and getting out and about on the weekends. Lisa, Lori, Kelly, Jane and Jen are inseparable.

Gradually, a few people in the circle begin to settle down. They fall in love, get married, and start families. Before you know it, everyone has a little house, a picket fence, a toddler learning to walk and an infant snoozing in the nursery. Everyone, that is, except for Jane and Jen. Jane's still running around trying to get acting jobs during the day, bartending at night, and renting a studio apartment. Jen got married, but she and her husband are deeply involved in their careers and their weekend hobbies, so they've decided to put off having kids. Heck, they're so busy and having so much fun they say they may put it off forever.

Circumstances change and the ties that bind loosen. It is easy to keep in touch with your nearest and dearest when your goals are similar and your daily activities bring you together almost in spite of yourselves. Friendships are most challenged when people begin to move in different directions.

Parenthood is a 24/7 job. When there's any free time left over, most parents I know are more likely to take a nap or read a book. Time alone is so rare that it becomes precious. There's also a natural desire to spend what little social time there is with other parents, who can relate more to the trials and tribulations of raising children. It is easy to let friendships with childfree people slip by the wayside. Before you know it, weekly outings and daily phone calls are reduced to Christmas cards and invitations to children's birthday parties.

The childfree are just as guilty of letting friendships with parents slip away. I remember hitting my mid-20's and finding that I'd rather spend time with co-workers who could go out and hit the town on the weekend than visit my longtime girlfriends who were home taking care of infants. I preferred conversations about books and movies and night life to talk of breast feeding and debates about home schooling versus private or public schools. It didn't mean I didn't care, but I was in a very different place.

Reach out to your childfree friends, even if it's just in an occasional phone call or email. Don't assume that because you haven't heard from us, we're not interested in you or your family. Maybe we just assume you're too busy for us and or that you're not interested in the things we used to have in common anymore. We don't know what it's like to have children, so we make mistakes in maintaining our relationship with you too. And don't be afraid to tell us if we're not holding up our end of the bargain. It takes two to communicate and maintain a friendship.

Use time with your childfree friend as an occasional escape and chance to recharge. Live vicariously through her, and let her live vicariously through you. I remember reconnecting with a girlfriend who had two children after we'd let ourselves drift apart a bit. She didn't want to go back to "the life" herself, but she loved hearing about my childfree weekend adventures. I didn't want to be home raising kids or dine out at Chuck E. Cheese, but I adored her stories of the silly and endearing things her children did.

To Assume Makes an Ass Out of You and Me

How many times have we heard that? It makes perfect sense. Still, we all have problems living it.

When you are a parent, it is hard not to make assumptions about your childfree friends, family and co-workers. For those who choose it, parenthood is one of if not the most rewarding, joyful and loving experiences in their lives. Once you've been there, I imagine it is very difficult not to wonder why others wouldn't choose the same road.

As strange as we may sometimes seem, avoid making any of these assumptions:

"You'll Change Your Mind."

Maybe I will. Maybe I won't. If I do, then you'll be far enough along in the parenting process to offer me all sorts of advice. If I don't, I will still live an interesting, happy and fulfilling life. Don't worry about whether or not I'll have regrets. If I do, I may cry some tears and want to share those regrets with you. But I'll be fine. Each choice we make in life opens as many doors as it closes.

You Should Feel Sorry For Me and My Lonely Little World

Don't automatically assume that my world is somehow bleak and empty or that my house is cold and lonely at night because of the absence of bedtime stories and the pitter-patter of little feet. Maybe I spend my time alone writing, painting, reading or creating music. Maybe I'm not alone, because I have a close and connected relationship with a partner who has made similar life choices. Maybe my world is filled with family and friends, nieces and nephews. Maybe each day I live is full of colorful, entertaining, interesting and crazy experiences that while different from yours bring just as much laughter, challenge and entertainment to my life.

You Should Be Jealous of Me and My Sex and the City Life

Yeah, I just said my life wasn't lonely, and that it was in fact quite entertaining and enjoyable. That doesn't mean I've got a closet full of $400 stilettos, thrive on my glamorous job, live on takeout and fly off to exotic locations for a long weekend every month or so. I struggle to pay the bills, just like you. My job is often mundane and boring, and I daydream about working from home in my sweatpants. I hate scrubbing the bathtub as much as you do. I run out of toilet paper. My idea of an exotic getaway can sometimes be a trip to Wal-Mart or a few drinks in with the local wildlife in a dive pub, and the last time I took a tropical vacation I had to save for two years first.

Sometimes I do look around and feel a bit lonely. Who doesn't? I get past it, just like you move beyond those moments where you'd give anything for a few minutes of peace and quiet. My life is far from caviar and dancing till dawn, but it has plenty of moments of pure bliss.

I'm Selfish and Lazy

Truthfully, sometimes I am. I often sleep in on the weekends. I've been known to put off grocery shopping and be glad that I can, since no one is relying on me for a nutritious meal. I don't always make my bed or dust, since I'm not trying to set a good example for anyone.

But that's not all there is to me. I work hard, and play harder. I'm that person who is always available to listen to her family and friends when they're hurting or just need to vent. I often take on the tasks no one else wants to do. I believe in and support many causes. I am dedicated to my creativity and strive to find ways to change my corner of the world for the better. I care deeply about my community and the world, and the children who are growing up in it.

I Hate Kids

Just because I didn't have children of my own doesn't mean I hate or even dislike yours. I love telling bedtime stories, playing games, helping with homework and encouraging imagination and daydreams. I'm the grownup who will stay in the pool playing Marco Polo with the kids when all the others have fled to the lounge chairs. I can even change a diaper or deal with a bit of throw-up now and then.

Sure, I've been known to roll my eyes when a kid was misbehaving in a restaurant. But usually the other parents in the room were doing the same. After all, the kid in question was screaming bloody murder and tossing French fries on the floor because his dad wouldn't let him have dessert until he'd eaten a bit more dinner. Kids annoy me sometimes. So do grownups. I'm just as likely to get snarky about the man in the movie theater talking loudly on his cell phone or the woman in the grocery store who blocks the freezer for five minutes doing price comparisons when all I want to do is grab a pack of bacon.

Admit it, people annoy you too. We're all annoying sometimes, regardless of our age. Its part of being human. Parents get just as annoyed at bratty behavior as I do, whether the brat in question is six, sixteen or sixty.

I'm Destined To Become The Freaky Old Cat Lady

I didn't have kids, so of course I'm going to end up being that weird old lady in your neighborhood, right? You know, the one who lives alone in a house that is falling down around her and wears mismatched clothes and has 20 cats? All childfree women are destined to be the Crazy Cat Lady, after all.

Well, I plan on bucking the system. I only have one cat, and two ferrets. So if anything, I'm heading down the road to being the Crazy Ferret Lady. I'm nothing if not original.

Don't Let Me Assume Either

I could go on forever about the assumptions people make about the childfree. That's because I'm looking at the world through my own lenses. But I also realize that childfree people make assumptions about parents too.

I've been guilty of it myself. Don't let me.

That's right. Don't let me assume that because you are a parent you're too busy for our friendship. Don't let me assume that you've become boring and old before your time because you can't get out on the weekends anymore. Don't let me think that because you talk more about your children than anything else, that you've lost those interests we once shared.

Smack me upside the head if I think that just because you spend your days in organized play sessions right now you don't still daydream about saving the world, writing a book or running that bed and breakfast someday. If I stop talking to you about that band we both loved just because you now also know all the songs by The Wiggles, kick me in the butt. If I assume you've lost your funky sense of style because your standard accessory is now a diaper bag, don't hesitate to remind me that you can still run fashion circles around me when you feel like it, and that in fact if it weren't for you I'd still be hopelessly trapped in the 80's.

We all make assumptions from our own side of the table. Let's talk about them, acknowledge them, and laugh over them, because when we think about them they're pretty darn funny.

Involvement in our Communities

It also helps to remember that for childfree people, getting involved in the local community can be a bit more of a challenge.

As a parent, you don't have much choice. You get to know your neighbors because they are the parents of your children's playmates. You participate in community recreation and school activities so that you can be involved in your child's life and make sure he or she is happy, active and involved.

The childfree don't have as much enforced social interaction, and it is much easier to get disconnected. I have an active social circle, but it tends to revolve more around co-workers, the local happy hour set and people all over the world who share an interest in writing online. It's there, but it's scattered all over the place, and my involvement in it tends to make me overlook what's going on outside my own front door now and then.

Celebrate Good Times ... All of Them

It's hard to say without sounding petty, but most childfree people do sigh now and then and say "well, what about me?"

Think about it. How many times a year do we celebrate a wedding, the arrival of a new baby, a confirmation, a child's birthday, a first day of school, a graduation?

It can be hard for childfree people, especially childfree singles, not to feel a bit left out. The baby showers and kid's birthday parties are never-ending, and many childfree people actually enjoy them. That doesn't mean we don't wish there were more opportunities to acknowledge and celebrate the milestones in our lives.

I remember an episode of Sex and the City where Carrie attended a shower of some kind - I can't remember if it was a bridal or baby shower. The hostess made everyone take off their shoes before entering the house, and someone ended up making off with Carrie's prized heels. The hostess refused to pay Carrie back for the shoes, and insinuated that she was selfish for even suggesting it. So Carrie threw her own shower for one, a celebration of getting through life as a successful single girl in the city.

Honestly, I probably wouldn't ask to be compensated for $400 shoes. I can't say for sure, since I tend to shop at Payless and have never owned a pair. But I totally understand the notion that our society is set up to celebrate the family and traditional milestones involving marriage and children. There's no set celebration for living a successful and happy number of years as a single, childfree guy or girl. There's no set party time and showering of presents for the couple who don't marry or have children. Those of us who march to the beat of a different drummer face our own unique challenges, and don't always have the guaranteed pats on the back for our accomplishments.

If you want to bring a smile to the face of that childfree co-worker who bought you a thoughtful and unique gift for your office baby shower, get her a little present or treat her to lunch the next time she finishes a big project, gets that continuing education certificate she's working on, moves into a new apartment or remodels a room in her home. It isn't about tit for tat, it's just showing her you know that her milestones and successes, while they may be different from yours, are also worthy of acknowledgement and celebration.

They say it takes a village to raise a child. In ever-increasing numbers, members of our villages are childfree. We're unique and different. We're boring and mundane. We're the life of the party and the wallflower, the corporate go-getter and the kindergarten teacher. We fall in love, we lose loved ones, we laugh and we cry and we pay bills and take out loans to put new roofs on our houses and curse at morning traffic.

Just like you.