The Care and Handling of Long-Haired Men

If you share your life with a long-haired man, your emotions probably run the gamut from pride to exasperation. When I married my husband, I had no idea what to expect. Over time, I learned some valuable lessons about hair, men, women, and about myself as well. If you have been involved with a hairy guy for a while, you'll know what I mean. If this is a new venture for you, the following pointers may keep you from losing your sanity:

1. Lose your ego!

Let's face it: he's prettier than you. Or even if he isn't, he surely thinks he is. So be content to bask in the warm glow of his magnificence. Otherwise, you'll spend all your energy just trying to measure up. Develop instead some kind of special talent that can get you attention when you need it. Walking on your hands or ventriloquism might work.

2. Get used to vanity!

Try walking along a row of shop windows and see if he doesn't stop to admire himself. You'll know when you see the telltale toss of the head, which he'll master better than any teenage girl. Watch him stroke his locks with a smoothing hand or fluff them discreetly with nimble fingers. Go ahead and laugh if you want. Point out his vanity. He'll deny it to his dying day.

3. Stop Smoking!

Stop smoking. Or drinking. Or shopping. Or doing any of the other things you do that cost money. You will need the cash to finance his growing collection of hair products. From different shampoos for different days of the week to conditioners and finishing products, which gloss and highlight, you had better stock the shelf. He'll use them all. He has to. It's a compulsion. And just when you think his tresses are perfect and tumble down his back in a flawless sheen, he'll decide his hair is too pouffy and he'll glue it all down with mousse, until it lies tame and flat against his head.

4. Learn to braid!

He will hate the wind as much as you do, unless you can braid. Slick his hair back into a pony tail at the height he prefers and secure it with an elastic hair thingy. Plait it in a single cornrow down his back, finishing with another hair thingy. Be prepared to find elastic thingies all over the house. He will leave them wherever he happens to pull them out of his hair. Stock huge amounts of them. They have a habit of disappearing.

5. Carry a big stick!

You'll need a baseball bat or something similar to beat the girls off him. He'll draw a crowd wherever he goes. Walk proudly beside him when heads turn, but be prepared to fight, when hordes of females follow you through the mall. Their admiring eyes may stroke his ego, but they'll feel compelled to run their fingers through his shining mane, a kind of stroking you may not want to allow. Be aware that you can't go to the restroom in a club and return to find him still sitting alone, waiting. His tresses are the flypaper to which girls are drawn.

6. Count your blessings!

You may think that your long-haired guy is too much trouble, but he is worth every bit of it. When you pry him away from admiring eyes and inquisitive hands and steer him toward your bedroom, you'll know why. While his hands slide over your hips, his curls caress your skin ever so gently for the most sensuous experience of your life. And when he tosses his head and his mane flies wildly, your grateful heart will sing the same words over and over: "He's mine! He's mine! He's mine!"

Enjoy him while you can. One day all that crowning glory will be gone and you'll have only memories. So what if he is vain! He deserves to be. After all, he is pretty enough, he snagged the greatest prize of all: You!