The Carolina and Duke Rivalry

In honor of the upcoming Carolina game against Duke, I thought I'd dust off the keyboard and write a lovely piece on my thoughts and obsession with this series. At this point in the season my beloved and talented Tar Heels sit on the golden throne atop of the ACC conference kingdom, while the overconfident, pale-faced Dookies are looking for elbow room in the fifth spot with the hardest part of their schedule still remaining. I'm a sick person, folks. It is a combination of my extreme love for Carolina and a passionate, burning hatred for that pitiful team eight miles down the road from UNC's campus that makes me ill.

Perhaps I should give you a little history lesson into my life. I was born in High Point, North Carolina into a Tar Heel family. From the time I opened my eyes I was taught to appreciate all things North Carolina, whether it was the people, places, or culture I've come to love in the South. My mother was a single parent raising three boys and needless to say we were a middle class family. Maybe that's where she came to pull for the University of North Carolina. I've always thought that Carolina's basketball program represented the blue collar nation; a team that worked hard, remained tough, and chose not to gloat like the team down the road. Duke, the white collar basketball program, recruited players that were predominantly out-of-state from locations like New Jersey and thought they owned the world. In reality, they were only eight miles from each other, however, they were worlds apart. I once heard the perfect joke from a book I read by Will Blythe entitled, "To Hate Like This Is To Be Happy Forever." The novel discusses the heated rivalry between UNC/Duke, and Blythe's father once told him the following joke: "What's the difference between a Duke Man and a Carolina man?" Blythe didn't answer. His father continued, "A Duke man walks down the street like he owns it. The Carolina man walks down the street like he doesn't give a damn." Priceless.

Dean Smith was like a father to me. He was so much more than a coach to me, and now Roy Williams has proudly continued the respected tradition at Carolina. As for Coach K, holy shit don't get me started on that weasel. He not only practices hypocrisy, but he's perfected it. Coach K has taken the kind of respect that Dean Smith brought to the basketball world and took a crap on it. Coach K is a master at recruiting McDonald's All American's, refuses to develop them as players, and the majority of the so-called "lottery picks" end up playing European ball or slinging out biscuits at Bojangles. For evidence of this, look at JJ Reddick's statistics with the Orlando magic this year. Need more ammunition? I'll give it to you. Coach K recruited Demarcus Nelson while he was in high school and told him that he had "angelic eyes." He charges $40,000 to speak at any public event. After a recent loss to Virginia Tech at Cameron Indoor Stadium, Dowdell from V-Tech was seen popping the front of his jersey to a section of approving Hokies fans. Coach took this opportunity to piss all over the situation and mark his territory. He went up to Dowdell, put on a camera face and patted Dowdell on the back, and whispered into his ear, "You're too good of a player to be acting like that." Dowdell nodded, tucked his tail between his legs, and walked off. The master of hypocrisy wasn't done, though. A few nights later, in a controversial clock operator mistake, Duke knocked off the home team in a last second buzzer beater shot from David McClure. The Dookies too this opportunity to jump around and roll on the floor as if they had just won the Super Bowl and were planning their trip to Disney World. However, Coach K did not defuse the situation and tell his players not to act like that. He instead enjoyed the moment with a few white man hops and fist pumps into the air, which at the time had been let out of the Tigers stadium. Chest bumping and man hugs are common sights at Cameron Indoor Stadium, but I'll be you my lunch money that no opposing coach has ever told Coach K's players to stop acting like that. God forbid.

Perhaps my favorite is the infamous incident where he yelled out "F#$% You" to Dean Smith during a game. This incident spawned from the weeks leading up to the game when Smith claimed JR Reid's SAT scores were higher than that of a few current Duke players. Smith did this because at the last Duke game the fans could be heard chanting "JR Can't Read!" However, if you sit near the Duke bench long enough then "F#$% becomes commonplace in banter with the officials, much like the word "the" and "you" are. On one end of the court, a Duke player flops on the court like a floundering fish and gets the charge call. On the other end, an opposing player does the identical same thing and Coach K starts in with a barrage of insults to the official.

What I'm trying to say is that Coach K is the ultimate prick and egomaniac. He lives the ultimate lie. He's nearly sixty years old and his hair is jet black. He sleeps in a coffin during the day. (Not really, but due to his extremely pale complexion the Dracula comparison is an easy one to make.) His [private office sits atop the high tower on the faux gothic, scar on the face of Durham, Duke campus. Any visitor that wishes to enter the tower must face an extensive biometric system, where they're required to undergo retinal and thumbprint scanning for verification. (I wish I were making this up, but I'm not.) If they don't pass the test, they're denied access and left standing to look at all the goofy, sock wearing with Birkenstock sandal students walk by that are more than likely on their way to a Sex Education class. Does Coach K think it's the FBI Building? Where is Dean Smith's office, you may ask? It's in the basement of the Dean Dome. That's how Carolina rolls.

Rumors of a meltdown with Duke's basketball program are spreading like a California wildfire. Take the Virginia game, for instance. With a few seconds in the second half remaining, Coach K, or "The Rat" for the sake of this article, takes out the clipboard during a timeout and draws up one of the most boneheaded plays in college basketball history. Instead of putting the ball in his PG's hands, he opted for Josh McRoberts, the goofy big man for Duke that always finds a way to shuffle three or four steps to the hoop without the ball ever being bounced, to take the ball down to score. The result was an ugly hook shot that was so unorthodox and ugly in appearance that I nearly threw up in the back of my throat. The ball bounced off the iron and overtime was born. In overtime, UVA's Singletary put up a floater with a few seconds remaining that, in my opinion, was one of the most beautiful closing second shots that I've ever witnessed in an ACC game. The ball swished through, my fist pumped in the air, and after a missed Greg Paulus desperation shot there was another X marked in the loss column. The next day, rumors circulated on the Internet that a janitor at the UVA stadium claims there was a bill sent to Duke for the damage done to the locker room after the loss. It's the ultimate tale of "It's my party and I can cry if I want to" with Duke. How is that man considered a leader when he lets his players trash the locker room like that? He's like the bad parent at a restaurant that lets his children run around, make noise, and throw food on the floor without disciplining them.

Dean Smith was so much more than a coach, and fortunately Roy Williams has resored pride and respect to the Carolina tradition. In just a few years, Roy Williams has won a national championship and outrecruited the rest of the nation. And again, this year Carolina is heralded as one of the best teams around the country and has a great shot at making the final four. As my eager fingers type this blog entry they sit at a 20-2 record.

Mark this date down: February 7th at 9:00 PM at that outhouse sweatbox that some call Cameron Indoor Stadium. It should be a good one. The great thing about the rivalry is that despite how poor either team is throughout the season it's always a competitive game and ends in memorable fashion. Duke, despite having a down season, have managed to scrape by with a few wins with the help of the officiating crew and the game clock operator and will remain competitive with Carolina throughout the game. Hopefully, Carolina will win the competition for superiority. and ultimately the battle of Good vs. Evil. The Cameron Crazies will be there in fully "crazy" fashion, replacing their Texas Instrument calculators with itemized cheer sheets with a hope that their non existent social lives will be fulfilled for at least one night. If Duke wins, I can assure you that the local grocery stores will be raided by the Crazies for wine coolers, ODouls, fun straws and Lord knows all the silly board games that will be played that night.

This is the greatest rivalry in all of sports. Unlike the Yankees/Red Sox or Colts/Patriots series, these kids are kids and are playing for respect and dignity. If Derek Jeter loses a game against those scraggly Red Sox, he'll go home to his supermodel girlfriend and posh NYC apartment in the heart of Times Square. If a Tar Heel loses a heated rivalry game, he must go home and face the schoolmates he let down. A rivalry cannot be measured with numbers and television ratings. The only rating that matters is passion. These teams are eight miles apart and players often bump into each other at area restaurants. What kind of element would that add to the Yankees/Red Sox series? There's no doubt that the Carolina/Duke tradition is like no other. I can't wait to see Carolina mop the floor with Coach Dracula and the Seven Dorks. And I'm glad to be part of it. Until next time, Go Heels!!!!