The Cast of Saturday Night Live: A Report Card

I know you're a busy man, producing a lot of hit TV shows at the moment, and Saturday Night Live is your boring old, saggy, wrinkled wife of 32 years, and she's not as glamorous as she once was. Your other shows, 30 Rock and Conan O'Brien, are getting favorable ratings and critical accolades, and SNL's lack of competition on Saturday nights has put the producing on auto-pilot, but don't ditch the girl you brought to the prom. Your show's three most memorable moments of the past few seasons have been Ashlee Simpson's lip-sync flub, and two digital shorts, "Lazy Sunday" and "Dick In A Box," which don't qualify in the "live" category of Saturday Night Live.

Here's a run-down of your cast, with suggestions of which members you might wanna cut during this seasonal hiatus.

The "Keep" List

Will Forte
Forte is a safe bet, as long as he does the George W. Bush character, keep him around for topical cold openings. He has energy and goofiness enough to not let a bad sketch be a yawner.
Former SNL Member He Reminds You Of: Nobody in particular

Bill Hader
Hader is a professional and still new to the show, and he shines in those second half time filler sketches. Put him on the hot seat if he doesn't start performing next season, or if the cast cuts you make whittle your membership down to a gaggle of wholesome-looking white guys, although with the upcoming 2008 presidential election, that might not be a bad thing.
Former SNL Member He Reminds You Of: Nobody

Jason Sudeikis
He has a lot of potential to steal the show like Chevy Chase, Mike Myers, or Eddie Murphy. His mannerisms in a scene are worth watching with the sound off, and "the A-holes" sketch has legs and potential.
Former SNL Member He Reminds You Of: Dan Aykroyd

Kristen Wiig
Arguably, the stand-out performer of this past season of SNL, Wiig has shown her comic diversity, from one-half of the "A-holes" to her Alec Baldwin Bobby McFerrin sketch (the best "live" sketch of the season), and it shows in her growing amount of screen time.
Former SNL Member She Reminds You Of: Jan Hooks

Andy Samberg
Samberg is an odd choice to keep, since his main claim to fame on the show is the Digital Shorts, which have become a gold mine with the notion of viral video, and he rarely makes appearances on any actual sketches; he's the new Dennis Miller, crafting his specialty behind the scenes and appearing as an extra is needed.
Former SNL Member He Reminds You Of: Adam Sandler

Keep On The Hot Seat

Fred Armisen
The Prince sketch, for some reason, makes an appearance on every other show. While it is random, you could see this sketch being done the same exact way 10 years ago. It's just an excuse for cast members to do their impressions of celebrities. Armisen's made a career of doing bit parts in movies, it might be time to set him free so he can co-star in an unsuccessful sitcom.
Former SNL Member He Reminds You Of: Chris Kattan

Seth Meyers
Mainly kept around for the Weekend Update man/woman dynamic started by Fallon/Fey, his smarmy delivery of the news jokes makes you wonder if he was alone on the Weekend Update, if the attitude without the Poehler joke relay race would be too much for the viewer to bear, and his arrogance even comes across in the characters he plays.
Former SNL Member He Reminds You Of: David Spade

Amy Poehler
She's no Tina Fey at the news desk, but she is the most qualified woman to do the news, and she is a seasoned veteran when it comes to the sketches. Her movie career is likely to only get bigger, so you might as well start shopping for a replacement at the news desk.
Former SNL Member She Reminds You Of: Tina Fey

Maya Rudolph
Enough with the Whitney Houston impression. It might have been topical and current back when Whitney and Bobby had that show on A&E, but it's 2007. Maya is professional and likable enough in sketches, but at some point, you have to let her fend for her own career. She's talented enough to stay employed for years to come.
Former SNL Member She Reminds You Of: Tim Meadows

Please Cut Now

Darrell Hammond
You wouldn't even know Hammond was in the cast, if it wasn't for brief Chris Matthews, Donald Trump, or Jesse Jackson cameos. His impressions and mannerisms are spot-on and observant, but SNL needs new blood right now, not a 12-year veteran who pinch-hints only when they need an impersonation.
Former SNL Member He Reminds You Of: Phil Hartman

Kenan Thompson
His departure would surely mean the end of the Deep House Dish sketch, which, for some reason, was popular enough to appear in virtually every episode of this last season. Thompson is the weakest link of the SNL cast, often only getting one-liners in sketches, and botching those with stumbled-over words and self-conscious laughter.
Former SNL Member He Reminds You Of: Horatio Sanz