The CDC Creates Alternative Options for Sneezing to Avoid H1N1

When the CDC announced the method of how to sneeze in the workplace to avoid the spread of H1N1 this summer, many adhered to the process of instantaneously emptying the content of a sneeze into their armpit. It wasn't long, however, before complaints started to arise about how egregiously messy this procedure was becoming, especially in offices stuck with lean budgets and shortages of Kleenex. A million Forzieri dress shirts were reportedly ruined in the third quarter of 2009 when men working in tight-knit offices perfected the armpit maneuver. Most of this was blamed on the fact that the cooler temperatures of autumn instigated the need to keep their sleeves buttoned down rather than rolled up.

The same was reported with women where 2.5 million female business suits were thrown out or found lying in a purgatorial laundry basket.

Even though the media didn't cover it widely, a Sneeze Protest Party in Washington, D.C. marched through the streets near the CDC headquarters in the middle of September where protesters held up their mucus-stained work clothes on burning torches. It was then that the CDC, fearing the steps of their offices would be littered with soiled business clothes, decided that additional sneezing requirements would have to be enacted in order to appease the H1N1-plagued public from having only one place to aim the violent actions of their proboscis.

At a press conference conducted today and broadcast by all media outlets, the renowned flu expert Dr. Leonard Olfactorus delineated a new list of procedures and devices from the CDC on what to do if one feels a possible H1N1-laden sneeze is imminent. These procedures and devices can be set up in any office, school or working establishment with employees who normally detect the breath of a fellow employee on the back of their necks.

Keep in mind that sneezing into the armpit is still considered the first action for a chronic sneezer, albeit those who insist on wearing short sleeves from October through March.

New Sneeze Option #2: The Official CDC Sneeze Target

From here on out until H1N1 warnings are lifted, all schools and offices in America will be sent the official CDC sneeze target that can be hung up on any wall. The caveat is that anything that can or could be touched on a wall must be moved from within 20 feet of this target. On the target will be quadrants and points not dissimilar to a game of darts. Those who can run over to the target in time and sneeze right into the center zone will receive 500 points good toward either a free box of tissues or a free shot of the person's choice from their local clinic for any particular disease they choose to avoid.

In the public school system, successfully sneezing into the center target will mean a student being able to take one day off of their choice from school without grade reductions or having to make it up at the end of the year.

While unconfirmed at press time, grocery stores will also acquire these targets and have them in special booths located just adjacent to produce sections.

New Sneeze Option #3: The Anti-Sneeze Nose Strip

For those who think they have a tendency toward sneezing more than the average person, the CDC will be providing an official device that can be placed over the nose to stop a sneeze in its first formation. Designed by Bruce Johnson, the inventor of Breathe Right nasal strips, these anti-sneeze strips are transparent and can't even be seen by the most discriminating person standing or sitting near you. As with Johnson's first nasal strips, these were tested by the inventor himself who, for the record, has a sinus condition that's said to make his head implode if he sneezes. Based on empirical evidence by Johnson in CDC's laboratories, his nasal strip prevented this from happening more than a dozen times during testing phases.

Keep in mind, however, that the CDC found four warnings for certain individuals that must be read carefully within the instruction sheet arriving with the strips:

*The ~Snork~ Effect can potentially hurt you more than help you*

*Not intended for elephants while employed in a zoo*

*All living relatives of Karl Malden, W.C. Fields and Jimmy Durante must not wear the Bruce Johnson Anti-Sneeze nose strip*

*Barbara Streisand may use the Bruce Johnson Anti-Sneeze nose strip*

New Sneeze Option #4: The Automatic Head Turner

This device has been expensive to produce and is currently circulating in a testing phase. Nonetheless, it'll still be available in limited markets and only usable on those with no history of neck surgery or pinch nerves. It's basically a cross between a transparent sinus sensor and a neck brace that jerks your head to the side when a sneeze is imminent.

The only aspect needing fine-tuning is in preliminary tests that reportedly ripped the head off a test dummy when the device detected people sitting at all four directions in direct target of a sneeze.

New Sneeze Option #5: The Wind Chime Face Guard

As an inexpensive option for those who don't want to or can't wear an anti-sneeze nasal strip, the official CDC-designed Wind Chime Face Guard brings not only safety, but also entertainment. Lightweight and easy to see through, this faceguard fits snugly onto the face with transparent tubular chimes dangling mere inches from the user's nose and mouth. When the user sneezes, the chimes not only absorb the germs of the sneeze, but also recreate the delightful sounds of wind chimes during an Oregon Coast windstorm.

The gentle sound of the chimes also absorbs the sound of the loudest sneezes emanating in the quietest places, including libraries and medical waiting rooms while waiting to get an H1N1 shot.
______

CDC Update: Reports since this article went to press say that all sneezing prevention options will be in shorter supply than initially thought due to insufficient funds and high demand.

In the meantime, the CDC will also be sending out plastic armpit cups that can be easily attached to any gender's arm. With these devices, the CDC feels a consolidated compromise can be had while they await meetings with President Obama about where the initial funds came from. Currently, an investigation is pending on why Breathe Right nasal strip inventor Bruce Johnson absorbed more than half of the intended budget.