The Celebrity Apprentice Finale: Viewers Get Trumped

I can review the Celebrity Apprentice finale in one word: hornswoggled. As in "I was hornswoggled." I know what you're thinking. You're thinking is that really even a word? Yes. I say it is. Dictionary.com agrees with me. (So try it on your friends the next time you're playing Scrabble.)

horn⋅swog⋅gle

[hawrn-swog-uhl]

-verb (used with object), -gled, -gling. Slang.

to swindle, cheat, hoodwink, or hoax.

I know what you're thinking now too. (We're clearly sharing a psychic connection.) You're thinking okay, but what does horse-waggle-ing-whatever have to do with the Celebrity Apprentice.

I'm glad you asked.

The long awaited finale tonight (the boring parts of which were broadcast live) stretched for three hours. I was hyped to see it. Truthfully I wasn't a faithful follower. I flipped in and out of Celebrity Apprentice until Melissa and Joan Rivers had their legendary temper tantrum. What's funny was to see how Trump as recast it as "Melissa's meltdown" as if Joan's bizarre behavior wasn't the catalyst for tensions in all camps.

I like my junk food reality television (Judge Jerky, Survivor Whatever, Who Wants to Date an Idiot, etc). I think of it as the Roman Circus of our era. We watch it in order to watch strangers emotionally eviscerated by lions. Think of Judge Judy as a snarky little gladiator. In fact, Judge Judy reminds me a lot of Joan Rivers. Her vitriolic rants are amusing as long as they're aimed at someone you want to see get their comeuppance. But she(s) can't turn it off and venom spews like a geyser from a broken fire hydrant.

I always fascinated by the dichotomy of bitchiness. The more verbal abusive and critical an individual is seems to be directly proportionate to his/her inability to accept criticism. Translation: she can dish it out but she can't take it.

The antipathy between Rivers girls (by which I mean juvenile females) and Annie Duke was astonishing. And, okay... fun to watch. It hooked me. Just like they meant it to. I should have seen the writing on the Celebrity Apprentice wall long before the finale.

I was not at all surprised by the final pairing. The conflict was almost Shakespearean. "Whore pit viper!" "White Trash!" "Comparing Annie Duke to Hitler is an insult to Hitler." "All poker players are scum." You watched breathlessly to hear what odd insult Rivers would hurl next. Duke calculatingly polite and calm -which by itself sent Rivers into a rabid foaming at the mouth. How could the producers have missed the opportunity to make the final fight a real grudge match? They did the same with Piers and Amarosa in an earlier season.

But other than for dramatic purposes Rivers didn't deserve to be there. She failed miserably at fundraising. She saw herself as the peacemaker in her crew but truthfully she sidestepped conflict and responsibility to "make nice" with people. She seemed incapable of giving constructive criticism or even disagreeing. When Trump asked in the boardroom who Joan would fire, she refused to answer. Ever. She just hung her head and let strong players like Hershel Walker get dumped on while narcissist Clint Black and the likable but passive to the point of invisibility Jesse James somehow made it nearly to the end. Trump wouldn't have allowed the nonsense (non-participation, interruptions, covering her ears and humming when Duke spoke, etc) from anyone but Joan. Their prior friendship played a great deal in how Joan was handled in the boardroom.

I actually thought that allowing her to storm off indignantly in support of Melissa was a clever way for Trump to let her out of the show without firing her. At some point Trump must have seen what America saw... it wasn't business, it was waaaay personal for Rivers.

I have to assume that viewer numbers influenced producers to coddle and call Rivers back with her new "I'm not a quitter" motto. Although millions of viewers had seen her promise to quit if her daughter was "thrown under the bus" ie fired and then watched the nonquitter quit. But coming back and the blood feud that promised to follow was a definite ratings booster.

I should have realized Trump was bluffing when he pitted his pair of queens. I had seen it. The great Donald Trump was afraid -terrified of upsetting Joan Rivers.

I'm not saying that when he says "I respect you; I'm your friend but you're fired" to other celebrities that he is being insincere. (Sometimes he clearly is.) But I think friends or no, Trump understands they know it's a game and he expects them to get over it. I wonder when in the season he realized Joan wasn't playing and wouldn't get over it.

When Melissa Rivers cut the Donald off mid-sentence -even the film editor spliced together the looks that Ivanka, Donald and whats-his-name gave each other. OH NO, YOU DIDN'T! While M continued her rant, Trump passes the sacrificial judge whats-his-name a note. "What's that you say Mr. Scapegoat? You think I should fire Melissa?"

So I should have realized that when the Celebrity Apprentice final two were the ball-busting poker player who hands down could have won every task by herself and often did and "my dear (unstable) friend Ms. Rivers", that Trump had an Ace up his sleeve.

I was hornswaggled, bamboozled and cheated out of three hours of my life. I'm pissed about it. I think Trump should apologize to the friends I forced to come watch it and reimburse us for the pizza. He never intended to play fair. He didn't bluff. He cheated. The fight was fixed. I didn't even get the expected Joan tantrum I was anticipating. Joan clearly didn't rise to the bait because she was in on the fix.

Trump knew Joan couldn't compete against Annie and so they even had to change the rules of the task and invent criteria that was abstract and unquantifiable (like whose party was more enjoyable) in order to declare Joan the winner. Joan in fact won every "abstraction" of the challenge. Poor Annie only succeeded in the literal things like oh, raising money at the charity auction. The ONLY prior goal.

I don't know what the Celebrity Apprentice wins other than an occasional lunch with their Trumpness. But the last laughs on you, Donny. I don't care what charming alcoholics or quarreling starlets you throw at me next season. I won't watch.

I won't sit down at the table to play with someone who cheats.