The Challenges Facing a Multi-Cultural Marriage

Marriage can be a challenge. The number of divorces that occur every year are proof of this. The vast majority of my friends and acquaintances have been divorced, and many of them are on marriage number two or three.

When contemplating a multi-cultural marriage, there are additional obstacles to overcome, especially if two languages are involved. Misunderstandings due to language, gestures or everyday habits can be frustrating and inadvertently cause arguments. Deciding where to live or how to raise your children can also be minefields. Oh, don't forget about family gatherings which include both sets of in-laws!

Language

My husband is from Japan. I am from the United States. When I met him he didn't speak any English, so we had to communicate solely in Japanese. There were many times when one of us would become angry because something got lost in the translation. Just one wrong word could alter the meaning completely.

The best way to overcome this obstacle is to always remember it is present. If your spouse seems to say something incredibly rude or insensitive, or if he suddenly becomes irate over an innocently uttered statement, keep in mind that you might be having a misunderstanding.

Gestures

Some of the biggest fights I've had with my husband have been over gestures. Once, when we were newly married, I became very angry with him for shooing me away like a gnat.

He used to listen to the radio news in the morning while he was eating breakfast. I, being female, always wanted to chat. If he happened to be concentrating on what was being said, he would raise his hand, palm forward and swat his hand backward toward me.

To me this meant, "Go away, you're bothering me," but in actuality, he was trying to say, "Just a minute." After ranting and completely confusing him, I finally found out that he hadn't meant to be rude. I taught him to hold up his index finger when he wanted me to wait and everything was smoothed over. *It sounds easier than it was.

Every country has its own gestures and what we must realize is that even if it looks familiar, it might mean something else.

Social Niceties and Personal Habits

Some people might also get offended by a seeming lack of manners or unfamiliar personal habits. My husband does some strange things, but I have become accustomed to hearing the slurp of noodles and seeing him stick a twisted piece of tissue up his nose and leave it there. I let him know if something is considered rude in our culture and leave it at that. In Japan, on the other hand, former President Bush caused a complete uproar when he was televised giving an address from his office with his feet propped on his desk. Walking into someone's home without removing your shoes would cause apoplexy.

Deciding Where to Live

Deciding where to live might not be an issue. If you have met in one partner's country and stay, it is fine until the other partner decides she wants to go home. In our case, however, we discussed the situation before we married and decided to give the United States a go. His mother is still trying to get us to move back after nine years.

Raising the Children

If one of the parents isn't too adamant about the way the children are raised, this might not be too scary. If, on the other hand, both parents are very set in their cultural ways, it could lead to all kinds of trouble. Questions to consider are: What will the baby be named? Where will the baby sleep and until when? Will the child be bilingual and what will her primary language be? Manners. This is a big one. Is the child to be taught about both cultures equally, or will one dominate? Are there two religions involved? I can't even begin to describe the potential problems that might arise in this area.

Visiting In-laws

One last interesting situation is the gathering of the clans. Imagine, if you will, two families coming together. One speaks English and the other Japanese. They can't do much more than smile at each other and gesture. It is very possible that neither family is particularly pleased with the union of their children but they are trying mightily to be polite. Everyone is horribly uncomfortable and wishing they could just go home.

This can cause the couple a lot of stress. Trying to put their families at ease, they can easily snap at each other or blame each other for the awkward situation. Stay calm and repeat, "This too shall pass."

All of the above difficulties and obstacles can be overcome. If you are truly committed to your union and have patience and tolerance, a multi-cultural marriage can be a wonderful, exciting adventure that will last a lifetime.

The most important thing is to remember that you are from two different cultures. Embrace your differences, don't ever assume malice and always communicate.