The Challenges of Terminal Cancer in a Loved One: How To Help Your Children Cope

When my father was diagnosed with Stage 4 Lung Cancer one of my many concerns was for my three children. How was this going to affect them? Would they become frightened of their grandfather? My father, who stood 6'2", had always been a very active strong man and chasing the grandkids around the house was a tradition. We knew that there was no beating this cancer for my father. It was predicted that he might have three months to live.

One of the first hurdles I was faced with was getting my children comfortable visiting their grandfather in the hospital. Because of their young ages, 10, 9 and 3, this was not an easy feat. Imagine trying to keep three children calm and quite in the ICU area. We were put to the test when my father had to have two tumors removed from his brain. I found that carrying a big bag of Crayons, coloring books, board games, puzzles and snacks was a great benefit. Also, so the youngest would not become frightened, my father tied a "do-rag" around his head to cover the incision marks.

I began speaking with my children, trying to prepare them for the inevitable. My task was to give them as much information as they needed to help during this trying time. The two older children were some what easier to talk to. The youngest, which was unbelievably
close to her grandfather, was a different story. One of my wonderfully helpful finds was a book by Maria Shriver titled "What's Heaven?". It is a beautiful story about a little girl named Kate whose great grandmother has just died. It discusses heaven, funerals, and answers many questions young children might ask about death. Even at the age of three, my daughter was able to understand the concepts that Maria Shriver so skillfully wrote about.

Another useful tool was a book titled "Hope the Bear" written by Lynnette Wilhardt, LCSW and Barbara Granoff, ACSW. This was helpful with educating my children about what cancer is, how it is medically treated and the possible effects that their grandfather might experience. After seeing the wonderful information both of the books had to offer my children and how they were a positive effect for all three, I was motivated to research other avenues of support and information. I was blessed to find CancerCare, a wonderful nonprofit organization. CancerCare offers support to adults and children both. There are three options to choose from for support, online, on the telephone, and face-to-face. All of the support groups are moderated by professional oncology social workers. With their expertise, I became more comfortable in talking about loosing my father to my children and other adults.

Loosing a loved one to cancer will never be an easy thing to over come. But with the right tools you should be able to prepare your children for what might occur. With my children, the more knowledge I was able to give them the less they were frightened. Of course they were very sad when my father passed away and they still grieve at certain times but they are able to remember the good times and not just the horrific effects that cancer had on my father. My father passed away one day before his 63rd birthday and with the wisdom and innocents of a three year old child, my youngest proclaimed that Grandpa must be having the biggest and best birthday party in Heaven. I felt I had done my job well when I heard this. I encourage anyone that has a family member that has cancer and children to use these wonderful resources. I hope that you will find them as much of a benefit as I did.