The Changing Sexual Demographic

In a male version of an ideal world prostitution would be legal, safe, and affordable - and that thought horrifies most women. Not because, as the common argument runs, it is somehow degrading and demeaning to women. While the curse of "white slavery" - forcible prostitution - is an undisputable blight on the world of sexuality, to be brutally stamped out wherever it is found, the fact remains that there are enough young, bright, oversexed ladies out there who would rather put out for cash than work for a living. Amsterdam is a prime example of a well-run, fairly safe and regulated sex trade. For the price of a dinner for two in America (minus the wine, tip, parking, and other crap) any man with the cash can get a satisfying sexual experience with a young, eager, and skilled woman who looks like a supermodel. Prostitution, when properly practiced, is no more demeaning than the legal profession. Perhaps less so.

No, the standard female condemnation of prostitution (that it "destroys the family" and other such hyperbole) is really about the non-prostitutes, not the hookers.

The simple fact is that women don't want paid competition. The average Suzie Secretary won't be able to compete with a Professional woman who is also a professional Woman, and they know it. Men take the path of least resistance when it comes to sex, and when faced with a choice between ardently wooing a single woman (sometimes investing thousands of dollars and radically altering our lives for the privilege of being turned down) and paying a set fee for a straight-forward service from a supermodel class professional, there's no doubt which way the majority of Y chromosomes will turn.

And that is a threat to the female power base, the ability for women to use her sexual dominance sex to manipulate a man. It is largely a subconscious motivation, but any woman who has batted her eyelashes and thrust out her breasts to attempt to avoid a traffic ticket is guilty. Women use their sexuality as a weapon against us every day, whether they realize it or not, and then often complain bitterly about what an "unfair deal" they get.

Most men are not "Players". We do not come equipped with the Cassanova Superpack 5000 Seduction Kit. We have been largely kept in the dark when it comes to women and sex, save for certain mechanical issues gleaned from erotica - we know our positions. But when it comes to the finer points of courtship and seduction, by and large we suck. And when we seek to improve our skills we are called pigs, dogs, rakes, players, etc. It is perfectly socially acceptable for a woman to pursue her gender's overriding agenda - the establishment of a stable relationship - but when we desire to pursue ours - easy access to sexual release - we are condemned.

In the anti-sex post-war 1950s it was an accepted reality that in order for a man to get any pre-marital play he had to (at a minimum) court a woman for weeks or months, investing hundreds or thousand of dollars as well as an inordinate amount of time to convince her to surmount socially placed safeguards of her "virtue" and engage in the least amount of sexual behavior. It was dangerous back then, with no reliable birth control and a highly negative societal stereotype of a "lusty woman" - until the 1960s, "divorcee" was a common synonym for "slut". But women made men compete, and compete bitterly, for little or no payoff until after the wedding, the only time a respectable woman was supposed to have sex.

Things are different now. The pill and its derivations have let the sexual genie out of the bottle, and not even the threat of AIDS and STDs has been able to stuff it back in. Not only has the availability of Internet porn made the physical release men need easier than ever, it has opened our eyes up to possibilities that make "respectable" women shudder. We know, ladies. We can read the demographics and the desperate articles in Cosmo. We know that the pool of available men - whether they are worth a damn or not - is shrinking while the pool of single women is growing. We are now the ones to be competed for.

I have a friend who is a successful, handsome single man - a true gentleman - who doesn't see any reason to marry. Its not that he lacks suitors - he's actively sought by several women. But he refuses to knuckle down and marry one until he's ready for kids. There's no reason to. When he started to realize that it was a seller's market, he started playing his women off against each other, constantly raising the sexual stakes for his attention. After he got the hang of it, he established criteria for his dating. He's more than willing to take a girl out for a nice time - but if there is no sexual contact on the first date, her number gets erased from his phone, bye-bye.

He's been called on it several times by women in his department. He's dated perfectly nice girls who were attractive and charming and fun to be with, and he's broken their hearts when he didn't call afterwards. But he's in sales, and if a girl doesn't start to close on him on the first date, he'll look elsewhere - because there are plenty of other attractive and charming and fun to be with girls who are more than willing to perform sexually in that initial encounter. One woman was crushed enough to stalk him for a while, which was creepy, but in a very public office show-down (an ugly thing) it came out that she didn't believe in premarital sex, much less sex on the first date. Obsession or no, she was chucked.

And the women who did perform were not out of the relationship-woods yet, either. A first-date encounter got them a call within three days and a return engagement - but with higher stakes. And higher still each subsequent date. Will Jenny do that "special thing" women usually hate to do because it is literally a pain in the butt? Well, Julie will bring another girl for a threesome - who you gonna call? Elizabeth can't stand porn - delete. Becky's not only open to the subject, she wants to make a special video - speed dial!

And he's not alone. Even my computer-geek pals, who spend more time playing on-line video games and watching porn than dating, are having no problems getting dates. There are enough women who fear that next birthday, and another Valentine's Day with a pint of Ben & Jerry's instead of roses, to dip pretty deep into the dating pool. A friend of mine who's more or less socially retarded when it comes to women got five phone numbers without trying at the last company function he attended. Another friend, that sleazy guy the ladies used to shun at parties when they were younger, now has his pick as well - and he's gross enough to demand he see their bare boobs at the party and a follow-up hummer in the parking lot before he'll consent to date. Sad? Perhaps. But he doesn't lack for attention. You don't need much skill as a player when the fish are jumping into the boat.

A female friend of mine who regularly complains about her abysmal love life admitted she wouldn't even consider "going to third base" before the third date. When I asked how many of her recent dates were repeaters, she was forced to admit that most men didn't call her after the second date. She wants respect and empathy and intimacy, and one day love - but she isn't willing to fight for it. Women aren't used to competing with men. But the changing demographic, the widening social mores, and the acceptance of sexuality in America has radically altered the male/female dynamic, and if they don't compete, they can look forward to their sunset years in a basement apartment with lots of cats and bridge on Friday with the girls.

The antiquated view of sex that puts a woman's genitalia on a platinum pedestal is over. Despite the arguments that men control the world, the domination of women in the sexual arena is being challenged in unique ways. The fact that sends a collective chill up the metaphorical spine of the single woman these days is that she is more likely, statistically, to never marry and die alone than she is to win the $1 scratch-off lotto ticket. Men want sex - first, last, and always - and it can be damn difficult to entice Mr. Right, with the job and the car and the condo - when he's chatting with the 19 year old blonde with the big boobs and the liberal attitudes ("I consider kissing more intimate than blowjobs"). How do you compete with that?

"Retaining your virtue" may land you a prince charming who "respects" you for it, but you have a better chance being hit by a car. And those relationships often end . . . poorly, as the repression inherent in the whole "prince charming" persona eventually explodes and reveals the man for what he is: a man. Don't like it? Go ahead and get out of the game now, then, and sweeten the odds for your sisters. Get a cat and lots of batteries. And hope you have some nieces and nephews to play with someday, because your chances of having a "traditional" family, with wifey, hubby, and rugrats diminishes a little more every day.

That isn't to say that men don't fall madly in love and get married, happily ever after and all - I did it myself and I'm blissfully happy and fulfilled in my relationship. But I didn't put up with a lot of BS, and I married a woman who met my - rather demanding - criteria. Word on the street is that I'm quite a catch. But that's not difficult when you have a 28 year old secretary and a 35 year old account executive competing for the same male at a party. If he's smart, he can take his pick with a clear conscience and then trade up, sexually speaking. Feminine allure is no longer all that mysterious. The wonder has gone out of the Wonderbra.

Every year a new crop of young lovelies turns 18 and thickens the pool that much more. Every year a new crop of 20-somethings find themselves, via divorce or break-ups, back on the market. Worse yet for "traditional" women in the dating scene, these young women have grown up in an age where knowledge of sexuality is no longer the great mystery it was in the 50s - they not only know where babies come from, they know about their clitoris, their G-spot, how to use a vibrator, and many of them having been performing fellatio since high-school. Casual sex is the only kind they've ever known - and their low self-esteem (promulgated by the female-dominated fashion and cosmetic industries) propel them into the dating pool with a vicious competitive streak that most older women (26+) just can't match. They have the same fairy-tale fantasies in their heads, they're just more than willing to do what it takes to try to fulfill them.

Not worried ladies? Next year there will be another crop.

And you will be one year older.