The Cheapest of Them All

Oh man, I am so cheap! There ain't no one who can be as ridiculously stingy as me!

My piggy bank is round and robust with cash, but also sure as hell grateful I won't ever cause the pain of slicing it open to spill its silvery contents out, for my benefit! Even if my belly isn't ravaged by hunger, I will show up unexpectedly at a friend's house around dinnertime and fake starvation to get a free meal! I am so cheap that I can't use the "My-car-is-broken-and-I-need-a-ride" excuse anymore because my friends finally realized that they were being duped since I'm really too cheap to afford a car in the first place! I am so cheap, I happily flood the cashier at Publix with countless coupons and emphatically beg for extra discounts, despite their dirty looks! I am so cheap, I told my best friend that I lost the lovely leather jacket she lent me three weeks ago, but it's really been hanging in my closet, lonely and waiting to be worn again by me. I am so cheap, that I feel guilty even when I spend merely a dollar on a pack of chewing gum, so in a brief moment when the cashier in the supermarket was looking away I managed to grab a stick of chewing gum and stuff it into my pocket! I am so cheap I was granted the national award for the "Cheapest Person of the Year"! I am so cheap, that the priest of my church angrily asked me to leave after I attempted to grab a few dollars from the donation bin that was passed along my aisle! My evil pet hamster has just peed on and nearly chewed up this boast poem to bits, and I simply cannot afford to waste anymore copier ink! Heck, I can't even afford to waste any more computer paper! YIKES! What will I do!?! I hope my English professor will take cheapness as an acceptable excuse for late boast poems! God, I'm so cheap!