The Codependency Cycle

Everyone wants to have happy, healthy relationships. Healthy relationships exist when two people are caring and concerned, take responsibility for their own emotions and actions, and allow for the give and take it requires to grow within a relationship. When one of the partners in a relationship is addicted whether it be to alcohol, drugs, sex, pornography or is physically, verbally, emotionally or sexually abusive there is an high probability of a one sided relationship. The codependent or abused partner invests too much in the relationship with little or no return. The effort to remain in a relationship with an addict or abuser takes a toll on the partner. In order to survive the partner adapts many unhealthy relational habits that must be unlearned to become emotionally healthy.

Some of these unhealthy relational habits are denial, compliance, control and low self worth. The codependent person finds themselves in deplorable circumstances, confronted with unacceptable behavior in the other partner, and feels their life is out of control. They try to take control inwardly by denying their feelings about the addicted or abusive behavior. They use denial as a means of escape from their problems while helping to hide the addicted or abusive behavior from outsiders. In doing so, they help the addict or abuser to continue in the behavior while believing they are really helping the other person. Denial manifests itself by not talking about the problem, making excuses for the addict or abuser's behavior or taking the blame for the behavior.

Codependency can exist outside partnerships between a parent and a child, friends or even coworkers. The dynamics can be seen in the relationships of caregivers and the mentally or chronically ill. Like the addicted or abusive person the mentally or chronically ill person becomes the center of attention and great amounts of time and energy is spent on this person. The partner or caregiver losses touch with their feelings by detaching themselves emotionally in order to deal with the situation. They are often unable to make decision because they have abandoned not only their feelings, but also their desires. They don't know what they want or need. Low self worth is the result. The codependent person judges themselves harshly, values other people's opinions more than their own. They often give in to the demands of the addict or abuser in order to keep the peace and to avoid the other person's anger. The low self worth and avoidance patterns cause the codependent person to not ask for help while taking on more responsibility than they should. The codependent person does not take care of their own needs which they have denied.

The codependent person does however feel good about themselves when they think they are helping the addict or abuser. They convince themselves that the addict or abuser needs their help. They believe the addict or abuser could get better if they would only listen to do what they suggest. These suggestions take the form of trying to tell the addict or abuser what to do, how to think, or feel. This help in reality is yet another means of not allowing the addict or abuser to take responsibility for their behavior and emotions. When the addict does not comply, the codependent person become angry and or feels rejected. Taking on the job of reforming the addict or abuser, along with repeated rescue attempts, the codependent person finds themselves in an impossible situation this time of their own making, and the cycle of denial and defeat repeats itself.

There is hope for the codependent in identifying their behavior patterns and seeking help and support in the recovery process.

Works Used

Patterns and Characteristics of Codependence

http://www.codependents.org/tools4recovery/patterns.php

Factsheet: Co-dependency

http://www.nmha.org/go/codependency

How the Co-dependency Movement Is Ruining Marriages

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8110_cod.html