The Complete Guidebook to Be a Good Republican

It must be good living in a Republican world. Everything is much easier there. If gas prices are high, it's Barack Obama's fault. If there's a conflict somewhere, the border with Pakistan must be the problem. If someone you want to catch is in Pakistan, Republicans can catch him without going into Pakistan. And they can guarantee it too!

These are some examples of basic rules the Republicans live by. They're all very simple and Republicans apply them when they feel they need to. The belief is that having rules makes life easier, and it does indeed make life easier for the Republicans. The advantage is that it also makes perfect sense. Blaming a guy named Hussein used to work, and doesn't all countries down there border with Pakistan anyway?

But the Republicans do not only care about rules. If you're a Republican, what you also care about is getting the truth told. Take Obama's recent trip to Germany as an example. He canceled a visit to see American injured troops. The reason? He couldn't use it to further advance his stardom. Never mind that Obama previously had visited injured troops without cameras. Also never mind that Obama probably does not need to further advance his stardom. If the Republicans said it, however, it must be true, because the Republicans really care about getting the truth told!

Of course, in a Republican world, Barack Obama is only in the presidential race to win it. He does not care about changing anything. All he cares about is changing the color of the skin of the president. Meanwhile, the Republicans do care. They care a lot. They actually care enough to reveal the truth about Obama. The fact that should be on people's mind when they choose who should be the president in the most powerful country in the world is who is most famous of Paris Hilton and Barack Obama. Since Obama is more famous, you should vote McCain. Sure, this rule of thumb was forgotten in 2004, when Bush probably was more famous than Paris Hilton, but let's not be too hard on them. They're doing their best.

A clear advantage of being a Republican is that you can be a foreign policy expert yet have no clue what part of the muslim religion various countries belong to. Who some country is supporting does not really matter all that much. What matters is that you know that they supported someone. And that Obama is probably to blame for it. Another advantage is that you can call an opinion clueless at one point, and later adopt it. You can say someone is an appeaser, and then adopt the other's view later. The only thing you need to do is to argue for the change of opinion, and everyone will accept it. It's really easy.

Another good thing for the Republicans is that for many people, geography is really difficult. For Republicans it is much easier! During the 1990s, there came some new states, especially in Europe. But who knows what Uzbekistan is anyway? How about Kyrgyzstan? Ever heard of that? No, rather you could stick to the old names. Who would be clueless enough to say The Czech Republic and Slovakia? It is much better to use the old term Czechoslovakia! Why waste time being correct when you can do it much faster? Also, Republicans can use that if you're not completely sure which one you're talking about. It really does not matter.

Foreign policy experts do get surprised occasionally and the surprised card should be used if you want to be a successful Republican. While you're in a war not going great, you should repeatedly just say that the war is going great and that places are safe. You will look like a winner then. When there are attacks there, however, you should say you're surprised. That maintains your credentials as an expert, with the difference that you are now a surprised expert! That is perhaps even better!

The most important rule of thumb for Republicans is to listen to the people. If people say that Ahmadinejad is the president of Iran, listen to them! Do not let other so called experts tell you that Iran is not really democratic and that the president is not really all that powerful. Stick to your beliefs if most other people support them. After all, you're a foreign policy expert, and you're a Republican so you know what you're talking about. The others - let's call them liberal fascists - mostly has no clue!

If you still doubt that the Republican world is easy, you should take a look at how far the above strategy got McCain. He has done everything as I have listed it! Sure, you might object that he's behind the Democrat, but everyone seem to agree he should be doing far worse. And he can still win!

If you want to do what McCain has done and become a president (or a loser if the Democrat is good), you should do like McCain and sign up for the Republicans today. If you follow my guide complete, you can be a foreign policy expert in three days, and a Presidential candidate in 2012! I guarantee it too!