The Conflict Between Fathers and Sons

Sometimes sons don't get along too well with their fathers. I guess that's just part of growing up. For some, they never really have a conflict. For others, it is a constant battle of the wills.

My husband and son have pretty much come to that point in their lives. Our son is thirteen and trying to figure out who he is and is questioning whether he is a man yet or still a child. Of course, my point of view as his mother says that he's still just a child. But that conflict is within him and it spills out into a battle between himself and his dad.

It's a never ending battle. Not one day goes by that one doesn't get upset with the other. I am not sure which is worse. Do I prefer my son happy or my husband happy? At this point in our lives, I don't think it's possible for them to both be happy.

My husband is always quick to point out what our son has done wrong. Rarely does he point out the things he's done right. Sometimes, he gets accused of doing something that he didn't do. For example, our boat is covered up for the winter. Tonight as we were leaving for town, my husband noticed that it had become partly uncovered. He immediately blamed our son. Of course, it is pouring down rain, so my husband was very upset that the interior of the boat was getting wet.

All the while, my son is sitting in the back seat saying he didn't uncover it. With the weather we've been having, it wouldn't surprise me if the wind didn't uncover it. There is also the possibility that the cats roaming the neighborhood moved the cover so that they could find shelter in the boat. There are other possibilities, but my husband chose to accuse our son of uncovering the boat.

It doesn't really matter how it became uncovered. It matters that every time one thing is out of place, my husband is quick to blame our son.

I know this is very natural in families. My husband wants to be in complete control and dominate the family. While my son is coming into his own and trying to figure out how he fits into the picture. Not to mention the hormones that are raging inside of him.

Of course, it doesn't help when I depend so much on both of them. At thirteen, my son has quickly outgrown me. In height and in strength. It's amazing that such a short time ago I was sitting and rocking him as a baby. Now he's the one I turn to when his dad isn't home to help me.

Maybe I need him to get firewood or lift something heavy for me. No matter what it is, I'm sure my dependency on my son is fueling the fire of conflict between him and his dad. He knows that he's "the man of the house" when Dad is away.

On the other hand, maybe I have nothing to do with the conflict that eats at them. Growing up is natural and finding his own way is natural. It's also natural that his father wants to guide him every step of the way. But will our son listen? No, not always. But the lessons will be learned and our son will one day reflect on this stage of his life and the relationship he has with his dad.

I think Mike and the Mechanics did an excellent job describing this conflict between father and son with their song "The Living Years". The opening phrase is: "Every generation/ Blames the one before/ And all of their frustrations/ Come beating on your door." It's perfect. Yes, the son blames the father for things that go wrong. The father blames the son for things that go wrong.

The song goes on to say: "You say you just don't see it/ He says it's perfect sense/ You just can't get agreement/ In this present tense/ We all talk a different language/ Talkin' in defense." I don't think my son and my husband ever see it the same way. Maybe some day they will, but it will be a long time from now. Part of growing up is figuring things out for yourself. This is so true with teenage boys.

I think something that my husband has to work out is the fact that he's not the only man our son looks up to now. When he was three, Daddy was the only hero in the picture. But now that he's thirteen, he has his principal, his football coaches and many other male figures to see as heroes. They all have earned my son's respect in one way or another.

Being able to step aside as the sole hero is a difficult thing for my husband to do, but somehow he'll have to figure it out on his own. He'll keep being the father our son needs and the friend he needs, but he'll learn to make room for the others as well.

It's a learning experience for everyone involved. By the time my husband learns what he's supposed to do with our son at this age in his life, it will be time to move to a new phase.