The Conspiracy Theory

"The Truth is Out There", that phrase was familiar to me long before the T.V. show The X-Files made it popular. Just like Special Agent Fox Mulder, I too believed that there had to be some kind of conspiracy against the human race and myself. Whatever it was, it had to be big, yet I could never quite put my finger on just what it was. While Agent Mulder is still running around looking for the "truth", I have come to realize that the conspiracy against doesn't involve an evil maniacal alien race plotting to abduct, probe, molest and eventually clone us. I have also concluded that we are not the victims of a power hungry government that controls the flow of information to keep it's citizens living in fear and uncertainty. Although the conspiracy against us is not as grand as alien abduction or government gibberish, it is it's simplicity that makes it so diabolical. I'll never forget the day that I came to that realization.

There I was trying not to look conspicuous which was becoming hard to do. It's not everyday you see a six foot tall man with an eighteen inch arm shoved into a three inch wide window opening. I had accidentally locked my keys in the car and I was parked in Downtown Panama City Panama. My abilities to articulate in Spanish were not that great and I didn't have any money on me. In an act of desperation I forced my arm through the small opening in the window on the driver's side of the car. After standing there looking like a fool for twenty minutes with my arm stuck, I began to sweat profusely, which lubricated my arm just enough to allow me to reach in a little further and unlock the door.

Why did I lock my keys in the car? Why did I leave the house without money? Surely it was not my intent to make a fool of myself on this particular day. If this wasn't part of a conspiracy, what is? My grandmother used to quote and old proverb that said "it's the little foxes that destroy the vine." That day I began to understand what she meant, while I was busy searching for the big conspiracy I was distracted enough to be victimized time and time again by the petty annoyances and weird occurrences. Since then I have deduced that the conspiracy against us was simply a plan to bombard us with little annoying events; like land mines strategically placed to blast us right into the line of fire. Events that by themselves would barely get a second thought but when combined together can render a person senseless as well as cause considerable pain and suffering. Painful experiences and stories of others have led me to believe that the conspiracy operates in several phases ranging from the simple household occurrences to the somewhat trying appliance gags and what I refer to as the Armageddon when everything in the world seems to be going against you.

Household occurrences are those annoying weird or unexplainable events that take place in the home. These occurrences are usually small and are used simply to ruin a person's day. For example, my father would always complain that he loved Frosted Flakes cereal, yet every Saturday when he decided to sit down and have some, he would discover that the box would be empty, forcing him to have to get dressed and go to the store and buy another box. This would happen to him no matter how many boxes of cereal he would buy or even if he tried to hide it. Even cartoons aren't safe from these type of occurrences I discovered several years ago while watching a commercial. After years of watching Sylvester the Cat chase after Tweety, he finally caught him. With taste buds tingling, saliva drooling and a satisfied look in his eyes, Sylvester placed Tweety between two slices of bread. All he needed now to complete his yummy yellow sandwich was some Miracle Whip. He runs to the refrigerator, retrieves the jar of Miracle Whip, removes the lid, only to discover that the jar was empty. Sylvester had found himself the victim of the most common household occurrence, where a container deceives you into thinking that there was something inside when it was actually empty. Devastated Sylvester placed Tweety back in his cage.

What better way to conspire to make a person's life miserable than to do it on a day to day basis? Beginning the day abruptly serves as a perfect way to ruin it. This is where the appliance gags comes into play. Appliance gags can utilize your phone, fax, computer, DVD player, coffee maker or any device that qualifies as an appliance. It apparent to me that every time I am home alone and trying to take a shower the phone begins to ring off the hook. Before the miracle of voice-mail and star sixty-nine, I would rush to answer the phone and right when I would reach it, it would stop ringing. A former supervisor who had begun her career as a secretary and had worked her way up the ranks into Middle Management would be the victim of an appliance gag on a weekly basis. She considered herself to be and expert on the operations of office machines. Once a week without fail she would try to operate the copy machine and the machine would not respond. After exhausting her own knowledge and checking everything on long list given to her by the service people, she would determine that the machine was indeed broken and in need of repair. Several hours later the repair person would arrive and check the machine and it would operate just fine without any problems at all. My supervisor decided that she would that she would not touch the machine anymore. Several months ago my sister had been complaining about her DVD player not working. Every time she want to watch a movie the DVD player would not play it. She kept trying different DVD's to see of they would play. Naturally only the movies and DVD's she hated would play in the machine. Each week she would embarrass herself by taking the machine to the repair shop only to find out that there was nothing wrong with it. One weekend I decided to drop over and pay her a visit and caught her just as she was ready to murder the DVD player. Bat in hand, hair frazzled and a deranged look in her eyes, I pleaded with her to back away from the player and put the bat down slowly. Sympathizing with her I let her use my player for a few weeks until she regained her sanity.

The events I have described so far are truly trying indeed. However the Armageddon Phase challenges the sanity of the strongest of individuals. The 19th day of June, 1996, was my most painfully memorable "Armageddon." It was second day at a new job and my supervisor and her boss only had one pet peeve, and that was punctuality. Aiming at making a good impression I had planned to be at work ten minutes early everyday. I planned on waking early enough to have time to shave, shower, and eat before I left for work, so I set my alarm clock for six o' clock a.m. The next morning an eerie feeling similar to the spider sense of Spider man woke me. Glancing over at my clock I realized that my alarm hadn't gone off. Heart beating, stomach hurting I frantically made my way to the bathroom. Trying to calm myself I decided that I could still make it to work on time if I moved quickly. I began to lather my face with shaving cream in order to shave. Opening the medicine to retrieve a razor I was stunned to discover that there was only an empty bag: all the razors had been used. I was forced to shave with an old rusty battery operated shaver with dead batteries, which resulted in a serious skin burn on my face. Trying to make up for lost time I quickly showered and got dressed. After ten minutes elapsed, I decided that I might just have enough time to grab a bowl of cereal. Mouth watering and stomach growling I grabbed a bowl and the box of cereal and made my way to the table. Anxiously I poured the cereal into the bowl and without a minute to spare I ran to the refrigerator and grabbed the container of milk. Running back to the table I opened the container and poured. Broken hearted and still hungry I stood there staring while nothing came out of the container. It was empty. In an attempt to appease my stomach, I settled for a glass of orange juice. Deciding to quit while I was ahead, I grabbed my briefcase and headed for the door. Halfway down the sidewalk I received a disturbing signal from my stomach telling that the orange juice was a bad idea and a quick pit stop was in order. Dropping my briefcase I ran back into the house and dashed into the bathroom. Three minutes later and five pounds lighter I was ready to go when I realized that there was no more toilet paper on the roll. Calmly I began to look around because I knew that there was always an extra roll or two under the cabinet next to me. Consistency being the theme for the day there was absolutely no toilet paper to be found. Peeping out the bathroom door and seeing that the coast was clear, I had no other option than to do a funny cowboy walk down the hall to the other bathroom to find some toilet paper. Finally with my face scarred, stomach upset and my will broken I scampered off to work.

I have since learned that no one is immune to the conspiracy; however I have also discovered that one can minimize the effects that it has on his/her life. My advice is to stop looking for the alien abduction and realize that it is the "small foxes that destroy the vine." Simple awareness that the little things are going to happen to make us miserable, but if we deal with each incident as it occurs we won't be so easily destroyed and we can live just a little bit longer and a whole lot happier.