The Crisis of Man Made Hemispheric Climate Change

There is a looming crisis barreling down the tracks at Americans like a runaway locomotive. Yet most are completely unaware of this pending danger. This danger is none other than man made Hemispheric Climate Change. Yes, mock me if you like but the data is clear. I have been looking at data over the past month and have noted a disturbing trend. Temperatures are rising and there is only one obvious cause; our consumerist economy driving industry to pollute our planet and belch carbon dioxide into the atmosphere combined with our increased burning of fossil fuels to stay warm.

Here we are on the verge of a crisis which, my model predicts, will lead to a significant warming over the next couple of months alone for those of us living in the northern hemisphere. Doubt me if you like, but you will see temperatures rise across the northern latitudes by possibly forty degrees Fahrenheit or more as well as an increase in rainfall and flooding. Huge increases in the numbers of hurricanes will also be seen over the coming months due to this warming trend.

There is only one hope for humanity and it must be taken before it is too late. I do not wish to brag, but I am your only hope. Yes I, your adorable yet evil conservative commentator, have the solution and have developed a plan to stop this dangerous warming trend which will affect us all.

Now please understand that this plan will not be cheap to implement. It will require massive amounts of public funds to be invested into my bank account. My initial figures show that the project will cost somewhere between $10 and $20 billion but because I care so much about the planet I will settle for only $1 billion. Consider this my gift to all the people of the northern hemisphere.

The sooner this money is deposited, the sooner I can begin working on constructing a special mirror which will deflect solar radiation back into space and hence help to cool the entire hemisphere by around October of 2009. But this will happen only if I am able to get to work right away thanks to the previously mentioned funds being granted.

I have already begun taking steps to make sure that we can avert this disaster. My math shows that there is a small parcel of land just to the east of Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania which is the ideal location to set up my solar reflecting mirror. The fact that this parcel of land just happens to be my home should not be seen as anything other than mere coincidence.

I understand that some of you may be dismissing my claims of the dangerous effects of man made Hemispherical Climate Change. Some of you may say that naturally the hemisphere is going to warm in the coming months because we are entering something you like to call "summer" and that the warming I am talking about happens naturally every year. But it is all hogwash! The scientific debate is over and there is a firm consensus between myself and my banker as well as crazy old one-eyed Bob who lives under a nearby bridge that the warming we are about to experience is a result of human activities alone. It is settled science.

Last year we built and tested a smaller version of my mirror as the warming began in March and by October we were able to effectively cool the northern hemisphere appreciably. However new data has shown that this existing mirror is not enough to avert this year's warming which is already beginning to happen at several degrees a month with no end in sight. That is why we need this funding. The fate of all inhabitants of the Northern Hemisphere depends on it! Of course, we will also need more money to build a new mirror next year and then more money the year after that too. But like I said, I am not greedy. Despite the huge costs of such and endeavor as well as inflation, I will hold my price of $1 billion a year firm for the next thirty years.

And to the men and women of the Southern Hemisphere, do not think that I am blind to the coming Hemispherical Cooling that you are on target for. Yes, the kooks may say that it is just something called "winter" in order to justify their flawed beliefs, but I can save you as well! And it will only cost you $1 billion a year as well ...