The Cruel Consumer's Guide to Saving Money

Many people in this country have been penny-pinching a great deal lately. Gas prices and mortgage payments have slowly but steadily emptied the wallets of Middle Class America. In short, people are edging towards poverty.

Boo-hoo.

I have a simple solution to this problem: Make More Money.

But for those of you who aren't industrious enough to do that, my think-tank has generated yet another brilliant idea. Here it is:

STOP TIPPING PEOPLE

Pretty simple, isn't it? Whenever you go out to a restaurant, do not tip the waitperson. Instead, tell your server that he did a wonderful job but unfortunately "It is no longer in style to tip."

Think how much money we citizens will save if we discontinue this unwritten policy of a serving-class welfare system.

Stop tipping the valet attendant. Stop tipping the lady who cleans up your hotel room. Stop tipping that strange man that lurks about in expensive-looking restrooms. Stop tipping the man who carries you bags at the airport. And for the love of all things good, stop tipping the so-called barrista at your local Starbucks.

These people already earn a wage from their employer. Therefore, do not tip. (This logic has already been eloquently expressed in the first ten minutes of Reservoir Dogs, but its message bear repeating). Instead of tipping, save your money, and use it towards your gasoline bill (or to buy a car that runs by other energy-sources). (FYI: My wife and Iare still working on our Sail-Car. It works great downhill!).

Many of you "bleeding hearts" (I say that term with affection) might be worried about the impact of a world without tips. However, the results have already been carefully calculated. Here is a brief causal analysis:

#1 Consumers will save money.

#2 For a time, disgruntled bus-boys will urinate in the ice-tea. But this rebellion will subside in less than two weeks.

C) Many illegal immigrants (at least the ones who are members of the serving class) will run short of funds and decide to return to their home country... (Or they might stay and turn to a life of crime... The boys in the think-tank have a bet going!)

and finally....

#4) American citizens who belong to the serving class will in truth be hit hard by this development. However, this will remind them that they should be in college or trade school, endeavoring to improve their minds and their financial capabilities.

In short, if members of the serving-class are not smart enough to avoid a life-long career at Denny's, why should we reward them with 20% of the cost of a Grand Slam Breakfast?

Have a good afternoon, my tip-free citizens. I'm glad I could help.