The Dangers of Chinese All-you-can Eat Buffets

There's a local Chinese restaurant in Williamsburg with an all-you-can eat buffet for $10. They allegedly have a regular menu as well, but I've never seen anyone use it. The all-you-can eat option is simply too tempting. You know that for a few dollars you can leave the restaurant feeling full. or bloated, or vomiting, or eat yourself into a coma and make your health insurance pay someone to carry you out of the restaurant in a stretcher.

So I show up at the Chinese place. I'm hungry, but I remember the excruciating bowel pain that resulted from my last trip to this join, so I promise myself I'll only eat two or three plates. But then I realize it costs ten dollars, and my resolve changes. I need to get all the food I can for my money. I'm spending $10, so i'm going to eat $10 worth of Orange Chicken. Hell, I'm going to eat $10 worth of rice. I fill my plate with bizarre and nameless globs of spicy Asian goodness. My date rolls her eyes and reminds me what happened last time I over ate.

But I'm hungry. I try to fit in with the culture, and eat my first few bites with chopsticks. Then I realize there's a problem: chopsticks bear little or no resemblance to a shovel. I ditch the sticks and pick up a fork, a hungry man's eating tool, and start tearing into the food. Legions of little chicken bits fall before my onslaught, and it leaves me out of breath and bloated.

The logical cure for bloatedness is, or course, further over eating. Now I've picked a favorite. I get a truly epic portion of General Tso's chicken and dig in.

A few short minutes later, I'm halfway through my fourth plate and starting to slow down. Somebody tells the waitress that the guy next to us is turning 30. Happy Birthday! Waitresses with incomprehensible accents flock like flies to the hapless men, eager to welcome him to middle age with their terrible, off-key singing. Then the TVs come in. Bizarre shots of exotic Chinese landscapes, accompanied by strange singing and Chinese subtitles. My stomach churn and I get dizzy. Why do people use disorienting videos for entertainment, and why the hell do they do it in a restaurant?

i sip cold water and rest my head on the table. The waiters don't mind - they see this routine a lot. After a while, my date revives me and I stagger back to the car. $10 well spent.