The Dangers of Manipulation in Marriage

In his book, Husbands who Won't Lead and Wives who Won't Follow (Bethany House Publishers, 2000), James Walker devotes a chapter to the problems of manipulation. He says that women tend to learn it from their mothers and other female relatives and are often unaware of how demeaning it is to their husbands. With some effort, a woman can learn to recognize manipulative behavior and substitute more healthy behavior patterns.

Marital Manipulation and Shame

Women often resort to shaming their husbands when they feel they are not getting enough love and attention from them. They do it by attacking their men in public and dropping hints about inadequacies such as financial strength, ability to repair things around the home and his performance in bed.

Manipulation and Flirtation in Marriage

Flirting comes easily to some women and they may use it to express their displeasure with their men. They purposefully flirt with other men, trying to attract their attention. Unfortunately, this type of behavior is often precursor to an affair.

Withholding Sex and Love is a Form of Manipulation

Withholding love encompasses withholding sex, friendship and communication. In effect, women give their husbands the cold shoulder. James Walker says women commonly use this form of manipulation when their parents used it to discipline them as children.

When their husband does something that displeases them, they resort to manipulation to punish him. Even if he figures out what he has done wrong and apologizes, she will hold him at arm's length for several days. The result is a husband who walks on eggshells, afraid of offending his wife and suffering the consequences.

Manipulation and Emotion

Men are moved by emotion and some women use this to their advantage. If they are losing an argument or want to do something their husband is not happy about, they turn on the tears. Others act like martyrs to try and gain pity and force attention from their husbands. These behavior patterns are damaging to a marriage and will ultimately drive their husbands further from them.

Most women manipulate to try and change something in their husbands. Due to upbringing and incorrect models, they imitate what they have seen other women do. The first step in changing this destructive behavior is learning to recognize it. This can be humbling and difficult but a wise woman will work on changing her responses and as her husband sees the changes, their marriage will begin to grow and strengthen.

Recommended Reading:

Walker, James. Husbands who Won't Lead and Wives who Won't Follow. Minneapolis: Bethany House Publishers, 2000. ISBN 0-7642-2350-X