The Darker Side of 12-Step Programs

There is a 12-Step Program for every conceivable problem. Done correctly, they are valuable tools for those serious about the process of recovery. However, in the wrong hands and misused, they can instead be a tool for great harm to others, as some learn "the tricks of the trade" for self-seeking purposes.

One of the most important in the latter category are individuals who infiltrate these Programs when they have no personal need at stake, no recovery issues that they wish to address in themselves. but attend Meetings and interact with members in order to learn about weak spots whereby they can seek out and victimize others. The 12-Step Programs for incest and sexual abuse survivors are particularly susceptible to this type of activity-- the after-effects of incest and sexual abuse trauma can be life-devastating, and the effects and symptoms can be vague, varying from one person to another; these factors make sexual abuse survivors prime targets, especially for individuals whose power-seeking includes sexual perversions.

Individuals who have no legitimate reason for being involved in abuse survivors' Programs are described by most groups' World Service Organizations as being "Perpetrators." Their reason for being involved in these Programs is to gain as much information and background on the subjects of sexual abuse and its survivors, listening to their stories and histories, to exploit and revictimize these people by learning "what makes them tick." The disastrous implication of this is not difficult to understand in the instance of Newcomers-- a perpetrator easily gaining their trust-- but it can be nearly as damaging when one has been in the Programs for many years upon meeting such a perpetrator, because this type of individual gains just enough knowledge of the subject to attempt to revictimize her by insisting that everything in her present-day life is connected to the abuse of years or decades ago, that she "hasn't really healed" and is "in denial."

Al-anon, too, is a group which in some areas has deviated from its original purpose by being misused. In its proper context, it is a fine Program designed to assist people in understanding and better relating to alcoholics in their lives. But often its concepts and terminology are used in an entirely different manner, that in itself lessening the chances of any positive outcome.

Some of the terms which have become popular in Al-anon groups were borrowed from a Program called CoDA (Codependents Anonymous). While some who misuse it are simply ignorant of its meaning, and others do so intentionally, there's nothing like "armchair experts" with no authority other than their own say-so, whose purpose is to wreak havoc on other people, their relationships, their lives. Some of the most frequently misused terms are Dependency, Codependency, Abuse, Control, Denial.

It is interesting-- and important-- to note that in its original context, the Codependent personality is a clear indicator of those who misuse these Programs for his or her own wrongful purposes; as defined by CoDA, he is someone who insists that he knows your feelings, needs, and state of life better than you yourself do; that he can interfere, take over, and run your life, and refer to it as "helping;" that he knows what is best for you better than you yourself know what is best for you; and that whatever problems he may have are paled in comparison to everything he deems wrong with you.

Some extreme but true Anonymous examples: Carrie, who claims to have had more than two hundred sexual partners, told her Sponsee that since she had not engaged in such a lifestyle she was "probably a lesbian;" when the Sponsee said that she was not, Carrie responded that she was "in denial" and "had not made much progress in her recovery." Bud "shared his story" with a new friend-- tales of sexual activity with hundreds of women, bisexual affairs, prostituting himself for drug money, a penchant for underage girls, and three instances of attempted rape; he concluded his story with "You probably did most of those same things, too!" Art was more to the point-- after sharing his drug history and criminal history, the person to whom he was speaking said she did not have any history with drugs or crime; to which he replied "I don't believe you. You are lying." This type of manipulation is commonplace-- those who have "done" negative things, or "have" specific problems, insist that anyone who does not fall into the same category is lying or "in denial."

Susan told her new friend that she needed a haircut. Her friend said she did not want one. After pestering the friend for a number of days, Susan eventually said "It's your decision!" The next day Susan phoned her and told her she had made an appointment for her with the stylist for a haircut. Mary's boyfriend had a medical condition which generally did not affect his lifestyle, but Mary took it upon herself to do all of his errands for him. When he stated his objections, she exclaimed that he did not appreciate her "help." This is what the Program means by Control. Also in this category are instances such as Debra, without being asked, offered to assist a neighbor with transportation the following weekend; when the weekend came and Debra did not follow through, the neighbor asked why she had not kept her word. Debra replied "Quit making yourself out to look like a Victim!"

Ed's tactic was to zero in on women who had been sexually abused, countering their objections to his advances by claiming that they were "reacting to situations and people in the Past," and not wanting to become involved with him meant that they "had not recovered or healed" from their "old issues."

In addition to the devastating effects there can be from those who intentionally misuse the Programs, it can also be at the very least confusing to others who simply do not have a clear grasp on its concepts. Two middle-aged friends were chatting, each stating that he had had dinner with his mother one evening during the previous week; they thought for a moment, then exclaimed "Oh my God, we're Codependent!"

Your mother buying you dinner one night does not make you a "codependent;" but as humorous as such an incident may sound, the misuse of "Programese" is not in any way funny to those who are caught up in it, either unwittingly or at the hands of someone who uses it to gain 'Power in people's lives.'

A Dependent personality is like the cliche of the wife who cannot select an outfit in the morning without her husband's input-- it is a person who cannot function at normal adult capacity on one's own; the Codependent personality is the person who puts himself or herself in the position of being such a person's "right arm," such as a wife who repeatedly covers for her husband's drunk driving, or scrambles to cover the rent after he has blown all the money on a drinking binge.

"Abuse" is defined as behavior that is designed to control and subjugate another human being through the use of fear, humiliating, and verbal or physical assaults. This is the mental-health profession's definition of the word, as stated by Dr. Susan Forward. When misused in the Programs, it is often used as a ploy to attempt to force others to comply with someone else's wishes-- whatever is said or done which the individual does not personally like or agree with, he terms "abuse."

Control, as in the stories of Carrie and Mary, is about making the decisions for, and taking actions for, someone who is capable of making such decisions on his own and acting in his own behalf, expecting compliance, and usually while disregarding the person's objections.

Denial is a sensitive subject, as it is so frequently misused by those who seek Power over others; they state that a person is "in denial" about alcoholism-- while even the Alcoholics Anonymous main text, known as "The Big Book," makes it perfectly clear that these people are not in a position to "diagnose" someone as being alcoholic; and no number of years in Programs qualifies a member to diagnose mental conditions, including those associated with trauma and sexual abuse; on the contrary, as some of the World Service Organizations warn, it is a point of perpetrators to learn about symptoms and terminology in order to manipulate his prospective victim by insisting that she has them, and that she is "in denial" or "just doesn't remember" when that is not the case. Attempting to plant seeds of doubt into a person is an act of a perpetrator.

One warning sign is those who do not adhere to the general policy of "men help men, women help women." This is especially important in the instance of newcomers-- when someone who claims to be established in the Programs approaches a newcomer of the opposite gender, it is generally in order to promote dependency, and this is the first sign of danger. Some locations refer to this as "thirteenth-stepping."

Another warning signal is "oldtimers" who, in Program terms, have "stayed sick." It is amazing how many, with years or decades in the Programs, hold a deep resentment for people who do not have the same problems or whose lives are in better shape than theirs. If one does not have addictions or mental conditions, they resent this; if one has solid family bonds, they resent this; if one has a relatively happy life, they resent this also.

All in all, 12-Step Programs are a wonderful resource for those who have a need for them and use them correctly; but they can be extremely destructive in the hands of the minority who intentionally misuse them for their own agendas.