The Day After

I wish there was another word I could use to full express the way I'm feeling right now... It's truly overwhelming. I couldn't think of any other way to get this out, so here goes...

Last night and a good chunk of this morning I spent at the school I've poured my heart into these last few years with friends that I am going to miss dearly. I know some people say that you hold onto the friends you have in high school, but it's never really gonna be the same, is it? It's inevitable that we'll drift apart, and I think I realize now that this is the reason my college decisions have been so hard. I'm afraid to let go. I'm terrified, actually, to be out on my own without you guys.

God has blessed me with so many great friends. Friends that have laughed with me, friends that have cried with me, friends that have been there for me, and most of all friends that have put up with me while I've been an idiot... And these same friends...you... have dug deep into my very core, becoming a huge part of my life.

In the words of Madea, "I put everybody that comes into my life in the category of a tree. Some people are leaves on a tree. The wind blows, they go to the left. The wind blows from the other way, they go to the right. They are just unstable. You can't count on them for nothing. What you need to understand about a leaf is that it has a season. It'll wither and die and blow away. When it's dead it's gone. Then there are people like a branch. You got to be careful with branch people. They come in all different shapes and sizes. You never know how strong they will be in your life. You put enough pressure on that puppy it'll fall right off too. Finally, there are people who are like roots at the bottom of the tree. If you find yourself two or three people in your entire lifetime that are like the roots, then you are blessed. The roots don't care nothing about being seen. All they're there to do is hold that tree up, to make sure it stays in the air. It comes from the earth to give that tree everything it needs. That's what relationships should be about. That's what you need, people who want to be in your life for the right reasons."

I think my biggest blessing is also my biggest problem... I have a TON of roots. I have so many good friends that I can't picture myself going anywhere without any of them, yet they are already going their separate directions. I love every single one of you, girls and guys, with all my heart and yet I feel as if we're already drifting apart and there's nothing I can do to stop it.

This afternoon, I went to a good friend's funeral. I still can't believe he's gone. There was a picture there of Jason, Bryan, Josh, and I in our kindergarten class at Travis. And as I was heading home I realized that it's not the fact that he's gone that makes me sad. It's the regret I feel for not talking to him one last time when I saw him two nights previous. But now, he's gone. And I don't think I'll ever be able to pass by someone I know without saying something to them, knowing that any time I talk to them might be the LAST time I talk to them. I have so much love for the people around me. So much care for all the ones I've shared these past 4 years with. I wish I could keep you all, but I can't. Life doesn't work that way.

On top of all that, I feel powerless, directionless, lost, and insecure about what I'm supposed to do. I know the churchy happy answer to this statement is to just "listen for God's voice and he will direct you" but I can't help but wonder why He's taking so long to fill me in.

That being said, it's strange that Ian posted a note about this the other day, or was it this morning? The days have all run together this last week... Cuz his conclusion struck a chord. A holy peace. Why can't I have that? Why does all my second-guessing and indecision always end up producing more questions than answers?

I think maybe, just maybe, that my problem doesn't lie in God's answer but in my constant questions. If I just sit back for a minute and give Him a chance to have a word in edge-wise, I may figure something out. We'll see. I'll keep you posted. Pray. Thanks

Love you guys.