The Day the Computer Serviceman Drove Me Crazy

My computer isn't working properly. I called for technical support. Here is how the call went.

Mr. West: Hello, I'm calling to report that I am having a problem with my computer. May I have some help?

Operator: Just one minute. (5 minutes later) I'll connect you now. Thank you for listening to our elevator music. Wasn't it lovely?

Mr. West: It took my breath away with its monotonous repetition.

Computer Serviceman: My name is Mr. Jenson. May I have your account number?

Mr. West: Fine, it's 23457660.

Computer Serviceman: May I have your serial number?

Mr. West: It's 43600021.

Computer Serviceman: That's just great. Now may I have your secret password code?

Mr. West: My what?

Computer Serviceman: Your secret password code is a ten digit number. It never starts with 0 and never ends with 3. It usually has a 5 in the middle.

Mr. West: I never heard of this.

Computer Serviceman: I'm sorry, but I cannot help you without your secret password code.

Mr. West: This is nuts. How would you like my telephone number? How about my social security number? How about my lottery number?

Computer Serviceman: You don't have to be so sarcastic. Just give me your secret password code.

Mr. West: I don't have a secret password code. I want to talk to your boss.

Computer Serviceman: He's in Mexico.

Mr. West: How about the head of the service department?

Computer Serviceman: That would be Mr. Away.

Mr. West: Let me talk to Mr. Away.

Computer Serviceman: I'm sorry, but Mr. Away is away on vacation. He went to Hawaii.

Mr. West: Is there anyone that I can talk to besides you?

Computer Serviceman: Of course there is.

Mr. West: Good, and who would that be?

Computer Serviceman: That would be Martha.

Mr. West: Who the hell is Martha?

Computer Serviceman: Why that would be the operator. Didn't you just love that elevator music?

Mr. West: No I did not. I want my computer fixed.

Computer Serviceman: Have you ever considered contacting a veterinarian?

Mr. West: Now why in the world would I do that?

Computer Serviceman: I understand that they fix a lot of things.

Mr. West: You're driving me crazy. I'll tell you what. Let me give you my lottery numbers instead of the service password code.

Compute Serviceman: I can't accept that. If you don't have your service password code, I'm afraid that I can't help you.

Mr. West: Listen! My lottery numbers are 40 23 51 22 18.

Computer Serviceman: What did you say those numbers were?

Mr. West: 40 23 51 22 18.

Computer Serviceman: Congratulations Mr. West. You just gave me your service password code.

Mr. West: I can't believe it. Who would have guessed? Now can you help me fix my computer?

Computer Serviceman: Of course I can. I just need one little piece of information more and I'll be ready to help you out.

Mr. West: Great! What do you need to know?

Computer Serviceman: What were the names of the original thirteen colonies, and who signed the Declaration of Independence?

Mr. West: What???

Computer Serviceman: What were the names of the original thirteen colonies, and who signed the Declaration of Independence?

Mr. West: How am I suppose to know this? What possible reason do you have for asking this question?

Computer Serviceman: We just want to make sure that you are an American citizen.

Mr. West: This is absurd. Alright, the name of the original thirteen colonies were Virginia, New York, New Delhi, New Guinea, Alabama, Mississippi, Toronto, Beverly Hills, Alaska, Spain, Ireland, Brazil, and Turkey. The Declaration of Independence was signed by Paul McCartney, Brad Pitt, Tom Cruise, Jackie Gleason, Jack Benny, Tiny Tim, Mr. Clean, the Jolly Green Giant, and Britney Spears.

Computer Serviceman: Are you trying to make fun of me?

Mr. West: Of course not. I'm not an American citizen at all. I'm an alien from outer space. I'm about to leave your humble planet and go home to Wacky World.

Computer Serviceman: I am not amused.

Mr. West: You want to be amused. Watch me perform on July 13th at the Comedy Gallery.

Computer Serviceman: I'm ending this call.

Mr. West: Oh please don't hang up. I really want to be your friend. Who needs a computer anyway? I'll just use a carrier pigeon instead of email.

Computer Serviceman: Goodbye!

Mr. West: Goodbye Mr. Jenson. I hope to see you at the Comedy Gallery. I'm doing a sketch on incompetent computer repair people.