The Day Luke Destroyed the World

"Refresh my memory," I said, scanning the sales rack. "Which version of The Princess Bride do I have again?"

"Dread Pirate Roberts edition," said Luke. "Listen, Gerry, there's something that I have to tell you."

"That's the version that's on sale today," I said, shaking my head. "I think the version of Monty Python is the big edition, though."

"I've been working on a new project. It's the sort of thing we always talk about, you know, the crazy kind of 'what if' things? I think I may have made a breakthrough today."

"That's nice," I said, studying the back of the case. "This is one disc short. The big edition has an extra audio CD." I scanned the shelves and found the pricetag I was looking for. "Nah," I said. "This edition is fine. It's not worth an extra twenty dollars to get the CD."

"I was working on quantum theory," he said. "I've been trying to calculate if there's a way to bridge dimensions. You know, cross the probability threshold and find our way into new realities?"

"Like Sliders," I said. "That show was good for a couple of seasons. I liked that guy who played the lead. What was his name?"

"Quinn Mallory?" said Luke.

"That's the character's name," I said. "I'm trying to remember the actor's. I always do this. He's a fun guy, too. He was in that Tomcats movie. And he was in 'My Secret Identity.'"

"I'm trying to tell you something impo-- that was him?"

"What?" I said, looking up from the sales rack.

"That was him? Quinn Mallory. He was the kid in 'My Secret Identity?'"

"Yeah. Dude flew with aerosol cans. A superpower that destroys the ozone to save lives - only in the '80's, I guess."

"Was that the '80's?"

"'80's or early '90's," I said, shrugging. "We have to check TV on DVD before we leave the store. If that show's on DVD, I'm buying it."

"Wow, I haven't thought of that show in years."

"So, you said you had something important to tell me?"

"Yeah, yeah. I was trying to get to some point."

"Big breakthrough. Probability."

"Oh, right. So, you know the theory is that there are alternate dimensions. Places where the word is parallel to ours, only different."

"Like where the Nazis won the war or Castro launched a nuclear strike or Warren Beatty became President," I said, nodding.

"On a large scale, yes. But also worlds where, say, one leaf that sprouted in our universe failed to sprout in theirs. The world is largely unchanged except it's missing that one leaf."

"I've read the Hitchhiker's Guide," I said. "I'm familiar with the idea."

"Well, I've made a breakthrough," said Luke. "I was working on a portal generator --"

"You were really working on Slider technology?" I said, perking up.

"Uh, kinda. Only I don't think it works quite the same. That's the breakthrough."

"Maybe in that world the show is on DVD," I said, looking with disappointment at the TV on DVD rack. "Because it's certainly not here. I'm going to have to check my online sources when I get home."

"Here's the thing. I think the machine worked."

"So we can go into an alternate reality and look in their stores for the DVD set?" I said.

"Well, it's not that easy," said Luke, shuffling his feet as we walked to the front of the store. "I didn't get a wormhole or a rift or a portal like I was expecting. Well, not for long, anyway."

"How long?"

"Five, maybe ten seconds. And I have no guarantee that I can open another one."

"Well, it's progress," I said. "So what if it only lasts a few seconds before it closes?"

"That's the thing. It didn't exactly close."

"It only lasted five or ten seconds, you said," I said, turning to look at him as the redhead at the counter rang up my DVD's.

"Yeah. It did. But I think what I proved today was that you can't really step from one reality to another. The portal doesn't act like that. See, when an object is unobserved, we speculate that both possibilities - yes and no, say, or 1 and 0 if you prefer - exist simultaneously. Once you observe it, however, that observation causes that quantum--"

"English, please," I said. "You're Quinn Mallory, I'm Rembrandt. Take it slow."

"Well, when you put two realities in a place where you can observe them simultaneously," said Luke, "I think that you wind up screwing up the proper collapsing of the... you wind up destroying the fact that only one can be true at a time. And the two universes kind of... collapse."

"Collapse?"

"Into each other."

"That sounds bad."

"Well, for most people, it doesn't matter. The world just changes and off you go."

"All right. So this happened earlier today, you're saying?"

"Yes."

"So what's the big deal?"

"Ah," said Luke, as the redhead tried swiping my credit card for the fifth time. "Well, bear in mind that my observation and recall are kind of flawed because I'm actually the root cause, so I believe that I have some knowledge of how things were before, but I'm still fuzzy on details."

"Wrap it up," I said.

"Well, either I opened a portal to a world where you didn't exist and then that world engulfed ours," Luke said, "or I opened a portal to a world where you did and my world engulfed yours. Either way - I'm afraid that nobody knows you exist any more." Luke turned to the redhead, handing her his credit card. "You'd better use mine. I'm afraid the bank has never heard of my non-existent friend here."