The Day I Met Bruce Campbell

What a day to be a dork I tell ya. Lucky enough for me, I was visiting my girlfriend during one fateful weekend when I had received a phone call from my brother Joey. He asks, "Hey Bo, have you ever met some guy called Bruce Campbell?" I figured Joey must have read something wrong or caught some glimpse of my idiotic dork rantings over the years. How could Joey remember who/what Bruce Campbell was. Granted, I've forced my brother to watch the holy horror goofy trilogy of Evil Dead, with it's great star and hero Bruce Campbell. Who plays the chainsaw hand wielding, double barrel Remington cobalt blue steel sawed off shotgun to banish the Deadites from one cheesy sequel to the next as Ash. But how could Joey pick up on this?

Apparently, he told me, that Bruce would be in a mall near him signing autographs. He had a new book coming out called "How to make love, the Bruce Campbell way" and his film that he directed was premiering there called, "The Man with the Screaming Brain." Joey didn't know much else about it, except that the comic shop booked him to sign autographs. And, it just so happened the day that Bruce would be there, was my last day I was planning on staying in Florida. I was giddy as a lil bitch, not only would I be able to meet a cult icon, see my girlfriend and now my brother - but I'd also stand a great chance to get Bruce's autograph. Which in dork sense of the word, is like getting the pelt off an endangered species.

In past geek conventions, I've either been able to meet the likes or get autographs from various people. King Kong Bundy, George the Animal Steel, the guy who plays the voice of Space Ghost, David "I wore the Darth Vader suit in the original star wars trilogy" Prowse, Peter "I wore the Chewbacca costume" Mayhew, the guy strangled by Vader on the first death star and Lou Ferigno, who played tv's Incredible Hulk. But now I stood a chance of meeting an icon. I worshiped the Evil Dead films for years, their brand of humor and comedy between Bruce Campbell and the legendary director Sam Raimi (now heading up the Spider Man franchise) was untouchable. There films marked their way through much of my artwork and even my own short films. Where as a requirement, I always tried to make my newer actors watch Evil Dead to see Bruce Cambell's over the top bad acting in the film if they wanted to work with my group. Hell, the films even earned me to get a letter of permission from Sam Raimi so that I could feature an Evil Dead poster in one of them - pretty cool huh?

But I digress, let me take you back a few years to my art college days at the School of Visual Arts. See, I wasn't good enough to get into the animation program initially. SO i had to take classes which could help me out - one of them was painting. I never painted before, nor did I ever have intentions to ever do so. But by the end of the year, I was somewhat enjoying it. My last painting I got to do was a mock poster of the Evil Dead. I figured the film in itself was never guaranteed a proper poster or promotional device that captured the real essence of the film. Most posters use actual scenes and moments from the film to promote their shit. While I did all of my researching, and especially after Evil Dead had just been released by Anchor Bay entertainment at the time - they too offered no real pictures from the film. Instead, most things were just created to make the film a lil extra scary. Like a hand puling a girl down through the ground, Ash holding and Axe or defending a girl with a chainsaw - all of these were just original promo shots and nothing more. I wanted to make something that the Evil Dead truly deserved. Like the rest of my art, it is all done with the utmost piece of flattery to show off my love for it all.

Unfortunately during that year, I was rushed and was never able to complete my painting. I knew somewhat of it's layout, and it lacked much detail. There were blank spots, but I did have a few of the Deadites on there and Ash wielding a chainsaw with the words, "The Evil Dead" and such on there. And so it laid in one of my bedrooms after the next. Being shipped from house to house, always staring at the blank spots and lack of detail on my painting. Almost haunting me until the day I would complete it - but I never saw a purpose or time to do so. For a while, I never thought I'd make art again, and focused more of my time on writing and creating my own short films.

Well, the whole starving artist idea got a lil tiring after being a year outta school and I've kinda already explained one way or another on how I was intrigued to get into teaching (at least, if there is someone reading my rant - they prob know about it) So I heard of this program where I'd have my art work examined and basically see if I'm good enough to be an art teacher down here in South Carolina. I had no idea what art work I would use, and quite a bit of what I did have from my SVA days, was destroyed by mildew of leaky toilet water - blah. So my numerous drawings of skeletons that I spent 40 plus hours drawing - all down the drain. I had a sculpture, some stills of one of my films and some rough sketches. But my favorite piece that I did have was my Evil Dead painting. Something I was always so proud of, yet unfortunate that I was never able to finish it. But now was the time to do so.

And so, I got to work. The painting took me about a few months to totally redo and fix up. I had new ideas about painting, composition and color balance at the time. For some reason or another, they never go to me when I was taking the art painting classes - but now just prior to this test that I was studying for that would examine my art work - I had to take another art test about art history, art criticism, design and the such. So all of these things were brand new in my head again. Theories about how I could get the eye to lead around my painting using contrasting colors and strokes of my brush. I even heavily examined the poster paintings of Drew Struzan - how does some of the best poster paintings you'll ever see - especially of the special promo ones for every Star Wars and Indiana Jones film you'll see. I spent quite a bit of money on the paint and getting my craft back - but it didn't matter to me how much time or money was spent - I was going to finish this painting for the Evil Dead fans out there (with someday hoping that I could send it to Sam Raimi as a gift like Marge Simpson did to Ringo Starr!) but to also complete it for my art test. And I did complete it and had to hand it in for my art test.

I had to answer questions of composition, where I came up with the idea and things like that. Even though I did great on talking about my art on that test - I did bad on the other - and unfortunately failed it. But I did just take the test again, and resubmitted my painting- re instilled with confidence of a beautiful woman in my heart and her four leaf clover at my side. This time around I was able to talk about how exactly this painting is "art" and how/why I should defend it. And so I ranted about the film, the text book def. of art and how I communicate my ideas for the passion and influence that I have for this film, and I know the painting shows that. Well, I'm getting the results back from that test around mid September - so wish me luck :D

Anyways, so there I was, with the idea that I was visiting Florida and I was gonna get Bruce to sign my painting. I wanted him to see how much I loved that film and how much it influenced me. Initially though, while in Florida, my girlfriend Heather was going to accompany me to Joey's place- but alas all of these things about her school all of a sudden blew up in her face so that she hadda stay in her condo and take care of them. SO I was off on a two hour journey by myself without her by my side, but I knew I'd have my brother with me there to keep me company.

I wanted to get there at least an hour early to wait in line (since I thought that's how it would be set up) We ended up getting there about 30 mins ahead of time and we had no idea what to expect. Joey's area of Orlando is predominately Hispanic, and we had no expectations to fight through hundreds of dorks to get Bruce's autograph. But by 5'o clock in the waiting spot where we were told to go, and plenty of people noticing my Evil Dead shirt and painting - we were wrong.

We stood around and looked all throughout the crowd, no one knew what was going on really and we were just a huddled mass of flesh. I saw all of the other dorks there, standing with their Neconomicon dvd covers and glossy photos from the Adventures of Brisco County Jr. - and yes there was even the occasional Xena freak. But I knew how Bruce depicted his fans - he was frightened of them. Knew how dorky we all were to devote such time to a bad horror film. But I knew deep down inside he loved us, and afraid of us. But I couldn't help but feel so at home, so at one with all of the dorks in that mall. Joey didn't feel it as much, but did have his Gameboy which geeked him out just enough. But it felt so comforting and blushing when the people would come up and stare at my painting. The first couple talked to me and told me how much they loved it. I was too bashful to even get into the rantings that I wanted to say. Why I made the painting - all the things I was saving to tell Bruce himself.

Finally, the owner of the comic shop arrived and filled us in that Bruce was running a lil late and how the remainder of the day would come down. He also said how people would get their stuff signed ( I figured they line us up, but these were uber important and Nazi dorks) SO what you hadda do was in order to get something signed, you needed to buy Bruce's book and have a ticket stub to his film. From there, show those two things at their comic book store and they would give you a number. They would start calling people up by 50's to 100 at a time to enter the store or to enter the line to get into the store. Starting off of course, by entering ticket numbers 1-100. Joey and I were in a panic. There was even a chance that I might not be able to get my stuff signed since you HAD to have your book signed by him as well. What if there were no more books left? What if there were no more tickets left?

So my brother and I ran throughout the mall. I first went to Walden books and shelled out the twenty bucks on a book I would never intend on reading. Second we went up to the movie theater for his film, it was a special 10 dollars a ticket because I guess this film wasn't nationally distributed and needed as much dork money as possible to keep it afloat before it ended up on some movie marathon on the sci-fi channel. The times would be too late for me to see, and I was only hoping on being in the mall for a few hours and then come back to see Heather on my last night in Florida. So Joey took one for the team and bought himself a ticket, but gave me the stub in order to get my number - what a pal :D

We entered the comic book store next in a fury, pushing by people with my painting swaying in hand to get a number. A rather beautiful comic book store, just chop full of books, toys and statues. Unfortunately there are no real good comic shops for me to have access to me anymore. Too bad you couldn't really shop in there cause they roped off everything for Bruce- so I got my number instead - 613! What the fuck?! Hopefully this will run by fast, but even the guy guarding the line said I was going to be there for a few hours. So now, what were Joe and I gonna do for all of this time? Sure we could shop, but what if I missed my calling for my number? I was panicked and wanted to leave at the same time? Would it really be worth waiting all that time? Did I drive 2 hours from my girlfriends for this? But Joey made sure I stuck it out, he knew I came here for a reason.

So we waited in the food court predominately, since there wasn't much beyond the video game store and arcade in the mall. Nor did I feel all too comfortable carrying my painting everyone looking like a whacko. But waiting in the food court brought more dorks to me. They loved the painting, they were taking pictures of it and congratulating me. IT was prob the first time in a long time that I got really great props for my art work and wanted me to stick it out. After three hours though I was getting delusional, the numbers were moving slow and I was weighing rather being able to spend my last night with my girlfriend for a while, or be surrounded by dorks. No offenses to Joey of course.

But he said, "Damn it - you waited this long and now you want to leave? What do you want me to do, take you home and I'll hold your painting?" I honestly contemplated at first, but what would happen if Bruce asked him something? Joey wouldn't know what to say. Sure my brother remembers a lot of the goofy skeletons in Army of Darkness, but whats to say Bruce would quiz him on something that only a true fan would know. I wouldn't wan ti to be an embarrassment - so I stuck it out further. They were near 400, and it was prob 8:00. Heather was getting tired and so was I. Joey was bored out of his mind.

Thankfully, Bruce made the call to cut the line down and anyone with tickets to his 8pm show, would get their stuff signed first that way they could see the film. Bruce took a break, introduced his film and came back. The line went quicker and was becoming smaller. By around 930 the upper 500's were up and Bruce made that call again for the people that had a 10pm showing - thank god joey bought a ticket. Cause apparently, not everyone really hadda get one - it was a lie by those fucking comic people. but anyways, the second i got into he roped off line - I showed them my ticket stub and i skipped over a hundred people and entered the comic store. Joey sailed me off like I was leaving for college - cause he couldn't come into he store with me due to tight security and an max occupancy number.

So I was in now, my heart was racing and I was gripping my painting tight. Everyone at the store was briefing you what to do/not to do when you met Bruce. They got your book ready by writing you name on a sticky on the inside cover and sending you off. Thoughts were racing through my head, I couldn't believe this was it. After waiting 5 hours, driving 2 hours to get to the mall (on top of the 6 I drove from home to see Heather so a total 8 hour trip to see Bruce) and the 30 bucks to see him - it was my time. I knew what I wanted to tell him, how much I loved his films, his cameos in Spider Man 1 and 2 and why I did my painting.

At the head of the line, one guy would take your camera and see how it works and pass it to one another guy at the last spot who would in turn take it to the photographer to take a shot of me. The first guy said he wasn't sure if Bruce would sign the painting and he of course had to inspect it in case I stashed some razor blades in it or something. He took my camera, book and painting and passed it to the next guy. The guy at the edge of the velvety rope briefed me on the rules: "There is no touching, hugging or kissing or Bruce. Can't give him anything unless it's through us first and when the photographer takes your photo - your not allowed to pose. IT must be candid." All of these rules and processions and very strict orders were messing with my head. I felt like I was in a concentration camp, told when to move up, what to do/say and when to do it. They took my things and dropped it to Bruce - I stood there unsure if I was allowed to go up there - until the comic guy said, "go up man, go - we got a lot of people waiting in line!"

I arrived at his table, he had already looked at my painting for about 30 seconds before I could give the proper introduction and tell him about it myself - I was instantly falling to pieces in the awe of his majesticness.

"Are you Bo," the almighty Bruce asked - shit I could hardly remember my name. All I could do was just shake my head. Then it dawned on me, I'm having a Ralphie moment from the Christmas story. The same scenario, you wait in line hours to tell Santa about the red rider bb gun you want so bad - but when you see him you draw only blanks. "Duh, yeah sir," was all that I was able to muster. And like a routine, Bruce looked at the sticky note with my name on it, scribbled a loose Bruce Campbell signature and moved the book to the side.

Then he went for my painting and he read off the words that dripped in blood, "They will swallow your soul....coming out soon - hmmm," and he looked up at me, "but when?" I had no idea how to respond, all I could do was just smile and hope he didn't think I wasn't an idiot. This was they guy, the man's voice I chuckled to times over from his lines in the films and his remarkable commentaries on them as well. Now he was talking to me. I so wanted to get into the painting, why it said the things it did (which was actually a line from Evil Dead 2) but I just kinda blurted out instead, "I-like your guys movies. They - really inspire me in art I make. You guys are great," total fucking stupid. I tried prepping myself for this moment like Brodie waiting in line with Steve Dave and Walt Flannigan in Mallrats when they wanted to see Stan Lee. Now I was in the same predicament but sucked into the Ralphie vortex of a Xmas story.

"Well thanks, hmmm very abstract," I laughed, wasn't sure if he was sarcastic are even knew what he was talking about, he just kinda wanted to move the line along I think to premiere his 10 o clock showing. He reached over for a marker unsure what to sign and where, I flipped it over for him and found a spot.

At last, there it was - the magic marker of silver slid over my canvas on the back. On the back was actually an older painting I didn't like. An extreme close up of Pee Wee Herman's face - which I was praying to God he didn't ask me about and then think I wasn't a total weirdo. I knew this was my last shot to say something to him before I was pushed outta line and out of the mall. He was signing something rather nice, and not just a Bruce signature - so I snapped out of Ralphie just before I slid down the plastic slide.

"So, are you going to have another cameo in the next Spider Man film?"

"Heck yeah," Bruce said, "but if I told yah, I'd have to kill yeah," and with a polite smirk on his face he handed me my painting back. He didn't offer his hand out for a shake like I hoped he might (figuring it'd waste signing time) and his proverbial black book pushed me down the slide with a "you'll shoot your eye out" shutdown.

I was handed my girlfriend's camera back and walking shaking out of the store. I could see my brother waiting for me by the railing, peering over to see my skip with glee like a lil kid. He couldn't believe it, that I made it - and was so excited.

"I saw you going to his table man, and I heard all of these other people complain how he just scribbled his name on the stuff. What did he say about the painting, what'd you say?" Joey was a ball of questions and I reiterated, we both looked on the back of the painting to see the metallic silver mark of the sharpie shine over the raised area of frozen oil paint.

"Stay groovy" - Ash (and another Bruce signature)

"He told you to stay groovy Bo, that's awesome!"

"I know, stay groovy! It's like a blessing, it's one of the lines he continues to use in all of the Evil Dead movies - how fucking bad ass. On top of that he signed it as Ash! :D He hates it when people call him Ash, since that was a character he played that the man that he is."

And so we joked and laughed with excitement about how my day was through. I couldn't have done it without my brother Joey at my side, I'd unfortunately seen too many dorks that went there all by themselves. I was glad that I had someone to keep sane inside insanity throughout it all. Especially when I saw that chick with a Trogdor shirt from the strong bad cartoons - totally awesome! And so after my pics, the book and painting signed I was a happy dork for a long time coming. Joey took me back to his apt to get my car so that he could get back to the mall and see Bruce's film (which totally sucked and very ridiculous from what he says - even worse than Bubba Ho-tep lol) So Joey went to the mall, and I forged my two hour ride back to my girlfriends when I arrived by midnight -and then prepared for a 6 hour drive back home the following day with a lil nap after leaving very early in the morning. But I couldn't have done this w/o you Joey and thanks so much for making such a memorable day for me. I can only hope that this is enough pay back for you :D