The Death of a Friend: Children and Death

When death comes at the tender age of fourteen it tends to slam those around it hard. The death of a child is always hard to understand for anyone but it is especially hard on the other children who were friends to a child who has lost his/her life. For a parent this can be a difficult experience. The changes one might see in their child can range from sobering to terrifying but all of the changes will indicate one major realization, your child has seen death in close proximity for the first time and although you want to protect him/her there isn't much you can do but ride it out with them and this is hard.

A child in their teens is dealing with a lot. They are trying to figure out their place in the world, trying on independence for the first time and testing the waters of right and wrong. All of these things are confusing and frightening all by themselves and when a teen has to deal with the concept of death on top of all the other extremely confusing events in their lives it can lend the illusion that their lives are out of control. As a parent there are many things we can do. There is no right or wrong way to approach and handle this kind of event in your child's life. Each child is an individual and all are different. The death of a close friend might make one child isolate him/herself while causing another to act out either rebelliously or otherwise. Whatever the reaction in your child it is important to realize that however he/she is handling it the death of a peer hurts. Even if your child appears to be perfectly okay on the surface what is going on underneath may be the exact opposite.

Children tend to see themselves as immortal. It is this outlook that causes a small child to jump into your arms from quite a distance away with the full faith that you will catch him. Just as small children have no real concept of danger they also do not have any real concept of death. Both of these are realizations that are learned through experience. Few of us are luck enough to not have to face death at a tender age but others are not. If your child is one of the unfortunate ones to have to face this reality seemingly before he or you are ready for it there are a few things you can do to ease his/her load. The following are only suggestions, remember each child is different and you may have to watch carefully your child's reactions to discover the best way to help him/her.

* Talk. This may well be the single most important thing you can do for your child while he is experiencing losing a peer. A lot of teens find themselves feeling lost and confused. Many want to know why and since there isn't any real answer as to why anger tends to set in. Teens, like adults in the same situation, have to be allowed to deal with that anger as well as their sorrow. Some may also blame themselves for it not being them instead. The only way to find out what exactly your teen is going through is to talk. Ask questions and encourage your child to let go of what he/she is feeling.

Give him/her time. The death of a friend is hard on anyone but for a teen that is just coming into the realization that he/she has a place in this world it can be doubly confusing. Give your teen some space. Don't let them become isolated but allow for some time alone. Explain to them that you understand and reassure them that you are there to listen.

* Don't minimize. To a teen their peers are their family away from home. Saying things like, "it was just a friend" or "you'll get over it" minimizes what they are feeling. It is as if you are dismissing the existence of their friend or the importance that friend played in your child's life. Let your child know that you understand their pain and that it's okay to miss that friend. It might even help to get your teen to talk about his/her friend. Help them to remember the good times and this may help them to move on.
Allow him/her to grieve. Although it can be extremely painful to watch your teen has to be allowed to grieve. It is both the way in which your child has to start saying good-bye as well as his/her way of acknowledging the importance of their relationships outside the family. Remember, during the teenage years children are learning through experiencing. Stifling the grieving process at a young age may affect your child's ability to grieve as they continue to grow and mature. Also allowing your child a grieving period lends validity to his/her feelings about the things that take place around them.

Saying good-bye and moving on. Finally, encourage your child say good-bye and to go on. This can be done tactfully and sensitively without having any adverse affects on your teens need to grieve. Allow your child to attend the funeral or any type of ceremony that is given. This will help your child to say good-bye to their friend and allow them closure. After a given amount of time passes, start to carefully encourage your child to move onward. You can watch and gage yourself when your teen might be hanging on to their grief. Explain that death happens and is a part of the natural order of things. Help your child to understand that although the experience is painful it can be dealt with.

Death is hard on everyone but it is especially difficult for a child. Try as you may as a parent you can not shield your children from the hurts of life but with patience and strength you can lead them safely through, passing on whatever you can to help them grow and mature. The loss of a childhood friend is a very difficult experience but with guidance and love a parent can not only help a teen to get through the experience but also help them to grow from it.