The Death of a Friendship

It's not uncommon, with the death of a mate, for changes to occur within the surviving spouse. Personality changes, lifestyle change, demographic changes are all examples of what can, and does occur, to those you are close to after the loss of a loved one. One of the most unfortunate scenarios is when those changes affect those close to the widower more than they do the widower themselves. This article is being written as an example of a cause and result of a powerful, long term relationship that slowly died along with the deceased.

Friends for over 32 years, our families were a single unit ranging from vacations to holidays. There were the occasional ups and downs that go along with any relationship. All, of which, are natural in the progression of a healthy friendship. Not once did we ever consider the consequences of the loss of half of our friendship unit and the destruction, havoc and stress it would cause all of us.

At the age of 52 we lost our dear friend to a heart attack while he and his wife were vacationing in St. Martin. No indications of poor health, no prior complaints. The news came early the morning of and we were in denial. We'd just returned from a wonderful Caribbean vacation, as couples, two months prior to the wife's scheduling of another Caribbean vacation just for the two of them. He didn't want to go. We felt this was, perhaps, an indication of not feeling well but that concept was challenged by family as his reason to not participate in a marriage enhancement vacation in which she wanted. We hadn't seen nor been aware there were marital problems that were anything above the norm. As best friends it hadn't been discussed so I shrugged the theory off. Until the unexpected became the reality.

From the bowels of a dark void emerged a selfish, self-centered woman seeking help from her best friend to get her back on her feet as a single and approachable woman. Being the social butterfly, independent business-woman I opted to meet the challenge. Little did I know how much my part in the revised screenplay would affect our friendship.

I saw no open grieving. I saw disdain for those that consoled the parents of the deceased through their loss as my friend would query, "what about me?" There was to be no talking, reminiscing or joking about the loss of the man we loved so dearly. A once warm, motherly, sweet, loving woman had become a shadow of herself dressed in a wolves mask. I was confused. I opted to accept the changes, blaming them on the traumatic experience she'd endured. In time, I'd be proved wrong.

In less than 2 months I was asked when I felt was a good time in which she could remove her wedding bands. A bit taken back by the unexpected inquiry I put my own thoughts aside and presented her with a truth. Who made the rule as to grieving time? We're all different and we all must do what we feel is best for us. So, I gave her my strongest opinion. When she felt she was ready to date again, if that time came, I saw no reason not to remove her wedding bands. Within a week they were off.

During the first year of her loss we adjusted to her lifestyle. I closed my shop early on many occasions to spend long weekends at her cottage on the shore helping her get back into a single lifestyle. Re-showing her how to speak to men, be comfortable around men, laugh, live, and enjoy life. Another side of my friend had come out that I'd not seen in years. Hidden well below the facade of self pity was a woman that had swallowed her own self within her marriage vows and was now re-emerging. I delighted in seeing the life come back into her soul. And then it happened.

Lies, deceit and deception. I'd now become her crutch, her reason and her excuse for her actions. On line dating was her main venue. Every man was "the" man. In her embarrassment to her family for her early decision to date, I was placed the blame on for the men in her life. Like gnats swarming around a rotting peach they came and they went. Again, I tried hard to accept this change as part of her grieving process. Perhaps it was. What I could not accept was that our friendship now had rules. Rules she made that both my husband and I were asked to keep.

An example:

She'd scheduled a meeting with a gentleman she'd met on line at a restaurant in town. In her nervousness she asked we both be there for her. We agreed. Then she posed the rule: "If I like this man I will give you a signal and you have to leave." I was all for helping, being there for a friend, helping her adjust but I'd been pushed a bit closer to the edge with this one. I don't do rules in friendships.

Time went on. She found someone, 3 months into her dating spree, to place in her life that would give her the material things she could not have in her marriage, the excitement of travel and adventure as well as the opportunity to be away from the very place she'd made her roots while leaving her children, grandchildren and friends in the past. It was then that I experienced the inconceivable. During a phone conversation I was told not to expect us to be a foursome. Not to expect us to vacation, party, visit or enjoy our lives as we once knew it. He had his friends, she had hers ,by her definition now of friendship, and never shall the two meet. It was then I realized we'd not only lost one friend but we'd lost another. Not so different a feeling than death itself. A loss, a period of grieving.

I resolved myself to the fact that she wanted to be someone we'd not yet met and had a fear of exposing that someone to those she felt would not approve. I had helped to create a monster. I had encouraged, aided and supported the eventual loss of a friendship. No longer would the minor ups and downs of the relationship be resolved. As we remained the same, our friend moved on.

Through all of this... lessons were learned and experiences well taken. There was a time when I would go over all of the events that had occurred over the first year trying to figure out what went wrong. Why one loss would cause another and why the changes I aided in helping to develop turned against me. It was not until recently that I realized, it was not me. Sometimes we do what we need and want to do to be there for those we love. Not always does it work out for the better but in retrospect we've achieved, in friendship, what we set out to accomplish. Being supportive, listening and caring are exactly what friends do for friends. The after affects that occur due to that support, listening and caring is a result of the party they are given up to, not the givers. As I sit and type I am at peace. We are told that removing undo stress in our lives is best for our own health. That was done. 3 years ago. And will continue. It is no longer the death of a friendship that saddens me. It is, now, the memories of a 32 year friendship that will always make me smile