The Declaration of Dependence

Words have power only when people believe them. It is sadly apparent that many no longer believe the words contained in the United States' Declaration of Independence. I hope you get a bit of a chuckle from this, but I hope more that it will inspire you to go read the real thing and think about it.

In Mah Haus!
June 26, 2008
The unanimous Declaration of the One Emperor of The Planet Reizarf

When in the Course of human events it becomes necessary for one person to dissolve the political bands which have connected him with the two-faced, turn-coat republicans who say one thing and do what the democrats do instead, and to assume among the powers of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the Laws of Nature and of Nature's God entitles him, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that he should declare the causes which impel him to the separation, even though it is useless now because we've all forgotten what the Declaration of Independence was all about.

I hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, but that some of them (especially the Ambien and hash-smoking idiots who are leading both our primary political parties) are endowed with the IQ of a plastic spoon.

That because of these legislators' stupidity, taxes beyond reason are instituted among Men, driving hard working Americans out of their homes against the consent of the governed, that whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive and keeps sticking it's hands in my pockets, it is my Right to lampoon, make fun, and point out it's stupidity since I have no hope of abolishing it and instituting a new Government, but instead must only dream of a new Government that returns to such principles and sets its powers in such form, as to me shall seem most likely to effect my Safety and Happiness.

Prudence, indeed, dictates that the Government can not be changed for light and transient causes; and I am caught in the exact predicament that the REAL Declaration of Independence warned of, being that mankind are more disposed to suffer, while evils are sufferable than to right themselves by abolishing the forms to which they are accustomed.

So, despite the long train of abuses and usurpations, and regardless of the same Object evincing a design to reduce them under absolute Despotism, and even though the founding document says it is our right, it is our duty, to throw off such Government, and to provide new Guards for our future security, we can't do it, because we have allowed the federal government, the courts, and the political parties to unite in absolute idiocy against us, and have doomed ourselves to a Vogon beuracracy beyond the nightmares of Douglas Adams.

Such has been the patient sufferance of my household; and such is now the necessity which makes me wish we could all stand up and alter our current Systems of Government. The history of the present Republicans, Democrats, and four of the justices of the Supreme Court is a history of repeated injuries and usurpations, all having in direct object the establishment of an absolute Tyranny over good, law abiding, tax-paying citizens. To prove this, let Facts be submitted to a candid world:

The Supreme Court has refused it's Assent to Laws, instead legislating from the bench. Congress has allowed the policy of imminent domain to be abused beyond what is reasonable for the public good, and instead allows profiteers and large corporate entities to steal private property to build shopping malls.

Congress and the President have failed to protect us from invasion, and have instead enacted policies to protect illegal immigrants from Mexico, South America, and probably Martians who are living in luxury at taxpayer expence at Area 51.

The Federal government and Congress (the remainder of this sentence is unchanged from the original!) has erected a multitude of New Offices, and sent hither swarms of Officers to harass our people and eat out their substance. The Federal Government, Congress, and the Judiciary (again, remainder of sentence unchanged) has combined with others to subject us to a jurisdiction foreign to our constitution, and unacknowledged by our laws; giving [their] Assent to their Acts of pretended Legislation:

For cutting off our domestic job market by taxing corporation to the point that it is more competitive for them to go off-shore:

(Unchanged!) For imposing Taxes on us without our Consent:(Unchanged!) For taking away our Charters, abolishing our most valuable Laws and altering fundamentally the Forms of our Governments:

For declaring themselves invested with power to legislate for us in all cases whatsoever.

The Congress has plundered our incomes, ravaged our checking accounts, taxed MY cigarettes, and destroyed the lives of my people.

In every stage of these Oppressions We have failed to Petition for Redress in the most humble terms and haven't even gone far enough to get a little rude: Our lack of repeated Petitions have thus been answered only by repeated injury. A Government, whose character is thus marked by every act which may define a Tyrant, is unfit to be the ruler of a free people, but we obviously have let it go on so long it's too late to do anything about it.

I, therefore, the Representative of Planet Reizarf, Name, and by Authority of the good People of this web site, solemnly publish and declare, That this country ought to be Free and Independent States, but it's too late now.