The Destructive Power of Jealousy

I was going to a social function, old High School friends and whatnot were gathering at someone's house to drink, eat and reminisce about the old times. We were mostly separated, growing apart, some left for school, some for business, others for the military. It was a rare year where we could all come together and better yet, a certain someone thought it was time that their significant other meet some of the people from his past. I'll call him Jared.

Jared and I had always been close because we made a living from our laptops. We always had Instant Messages and E-mails, mainly to complain about how dreadful it was to be chained to our computer screen.

On Jared's arm that evening was a foxy young thing. She wasn't just a bimbo though, she looked sophisticated, well dressed, elegant and she seemed at ease in conversation. She looked like the type of girl who worked out, always looked gorgeous and was probably brilliant at everything she did.

When it was my turn to meet her I almost looked forward to it! In a coed group of friends that were mostly male, I often longed for female companionship! Jared made the necessary introductions, referring to her as his fiancée. I smiled, congratulated them and was almost knocked back by the ice her eyes threw my way. She looked me up and down, threw her chin into the air and said "Jared's told me about you."

She looked at Jared as if to tell him to move on to the next person she was about to meet.

When I managed to get a moment alone with Jared, I asked him if he noticed the cold introduction I had received or if it was simply my imagination. He had noticed it too.

He launched into a story about how she was a little on the possessive end of the spectrum and how he had once found it to be rather charming. I pried a little further and discovered that during their pre-dating phase, that awkward time where you're not boyfriend and girlfriend but certainly keen on becoming that way, he was talking to another woman and flirting a little bit. She swooped in, declared her feelings for him, and then promptly told the other girl that she was in for a fight. This had endeared him to her, she was brazen, she was candid and she had just said that she liked him - what was not to like about that?

Unfortunately, her possession was causing a little strain on their relationship. Any other female he interacted with become public enemy number one and for now, that included me. I backed off soon, not wanting to cause tension between them until about seven months later when he e-mailed me. The wedding was off. He couldn't take the jealousy anymore.

Another relationship foiled by neurotic insecurity.

Another friend, I'll call her Tanya once confessed to me that she was wary of her husband going out to the bars not because she didn't trust him, but because she didn't trust other women. At first, I wrote it off, but when I began considering all the implications of that statement, it began to bother me a little.

She's not afraid of her spouse cheating on her, unless a woman actively pursues him. After all, it takes two to tango, right? There's no way for him to trip and accidentally land naked on another woman. What type of trust is that? Does that mean that she expects him to fall for the wiles of another woman? Does she not trust him to simply say no? It's a strange concept, and the more I delved into it, the more I got confused.

To my knowledge, that couple is still happily married so their relationship didn't sink like Jared's. Just because jealousy didn't poison that relationship though, shouldn't be a reason to write off jealousy awesome power to bring down the most idyllic partnerships. In truth, I feel that envy and jealousy is something we all handle in our own way, but when it comes to relationships, it's often just an indicator of deeper fear of abandonment.

A secure person could rationalize that a good partner wouldn't cheat and if their partner did cheat on them, they would have the confidence to simply leave. Of course, the alternate route is to seek counseling, but that's not one I always advocate. You can't rebuild trust and when it's violated, I think it's best to jump ship and head for land. It's not to say that a self-assured person will never feel the pang of envy but if it is such a defining attribute in their life, specifically their relationships, then they should consider what the deeper root causes of those feelings are. Is it insecurity? Is it fear of abandonment?

Of course, most jealous people rationalize their jealousy so that it becomes a situational attribute, as opposed to a personal attribute, so maybe it's a hopeless cause.