The Devil Doesn't Wear Panties: Is Britney Spears the Anti-Christ?

In 1981, a little girl out of Kentwood, Louisiana was born and immediately destined for stardom. She'd enjoy success as a member of The Mickey Mouse Club and by 1998 her pigtails and plaid schoolgirl outfit drove teenagers crazy when she released, "Baby, One More Time." You know the rest of the story, and if you're pretending that you don't then you're lying through your closet boy band loving teeth. Of course, you know I'm talking about Britney Spears; mother of two, ex-wife to two, multi-platinum recording artist, active member of C.A.P. (Celebrities Against Panties) and most notoriously known as the Anti-Christ. Yes, I said Anti-Christ.

I've often wondered what shape and form the Anti-Christ will come in. For years I thought it may be in a form that wasn't obvious to us, such as a rogue computer system, but after this past week I've put my suspicions to rest. I have identified, with confidence, that the Anti-Christ is none other than former mouseketeer Britney Jean Spears.

For those of you that don't watch television, listen to the radio, or surf the Internet (if you're reading this then something tells me that you do surf the Internet) then you may have missed the story about the latest paparazzi shots of Britney Spears exiting a car in a short skirt and flashing her world to the rest of the world. Folks, it wasn't pretty. Pat O'Brien has been reporting on the story all week long on his celebrity themed show Entertainment Tonight, and his voice has reached an all time nasal level. This story has him very upset and he is clearly panicking. Why do I care if Pat O'Brien is upset, you may ask? Simple. What you don't know is Pat O'Brien has been appointed by many religious leaders around the world to be on the lookout for celebrities that could pose the threat as being the potential Anti-Christ. After years of speculation, he dismissed Dennis Rodman as a potential candidate and has now shifted his focus to the bubble gum pop music world. As of Tuesday, Pat O'Brien confirmed Britney Spears as the AC after weeks of research, scientific testing, and an evaluation of her life thus far.

Here is an excerpt from the unreleased Pat O'Brien report condemning Spears as the Anti-Christ:

"It is with great regret that I announce Britney Jean Spears, 25, as the evil figure we commonly refer to as the Anti-Christ. I reached this conclusion by performing a series of tests, including a Rorschach test, Pavlov saliva test, listening to the songs off of her "Oops..I Did It Again" disc in reverse, and performing an in-depth evaluation of her life. I have also analyzed the recent paparazzi pictures of Ms. Spears exiting the car, and what I saw between her legs clearly wasn't human."

O'Brien's words are certainly haunting and you may want to take a moment to collect yourself. I know. I thought the same thing when I first heard this news. However, after several therapy sessions I decided to dig the evidence for myself. I started by thinking about Spears from the moment I saw her on television. She was so wholesome, such an innocent girl. But now that I think about it, how could I be so blind when she said in her song "I'm not that innocent." You're right, Britney. You're not. And your other lyrics, the ones that say "I'm not a girl.....Not yet a woman," you're clearly stating that you're not either of those, but the lyric you failed to add in the song is "But I am the Anti-Christ." So smart!!! So sneaky...such an AC type of thing to do. I continued with the research. After the break-up with JT (Justin Timberlake for those that aren't down with the boy band lingo) Spears' behavior took a drastic turn. She began partying, wore very revealing clothing, and started making a series of bad decisions, decisions that led to her discovery. It all started when she married her childhood friend Jason Alexander on a whim in Las Vegas, and no he did not play George on Seinfeld.

The wedding was called off in record time, within a few hours, and Britney was on the loose again looking to devour the life another man. She met a dancer, and a real prize named Kevin Federline. The K-Fed era had begun. The Anti-Christ, or Spears as some say, began reproducing and creating as many evil babies as she could. Within two years she had two children. Her children immediately displayed unusual behavior, behavior unlike any other human baby. Her children went through intense training, enduring such activities as being dropped on their heads and riding in cars without babyseats or seatbelts. It was clear that Spears was testing them. Testing them for what, you're wanting to know? What do you think? That's the question. We can only wait and see.

After Spears had used the seed of a man (well K-Fed is sort of close to a man) to reproduce her evil army, she was done with him. Sources have confirmed that K-Fed discovered her true identity and left town immediately. He has been quoted as being disappointed in his decision to contribute to the evil army, as well as put out a rap album that is the equivalent of a music root canal. And now, Spears is looking to grow her army. She has recruited the likes of fellow Celebrities Against Panties members, Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan, to begin their domination over the Hollywood. Some suspect they'll start by influencing young girls across the country to discard their underwear and lower the morals/standards of teens all over.

Dr. McDoctorman, from the University of Smart People in Smartville, says that Spears tactics clearly resemble war strategy. "She's recruiting other powerful Celebrities Against Panties members to lead the charge into lowering the morals and standards of young girls. They're affecting teenagers' minds first, then they'll take over their bodies," McDoctorman said. When asked who Spears reminded him of McDoctorman simply replied, "Spears is what you would get if Hitler and Robert E. Lee made a baby. A ruthless, yet very tactful five star general."

Who knows what's to come of this recent discovery. If a panty war is upon us, how do we fight it? When should we have known about Spears and her Anti-Christ identity? Some point fingers and blame Justin Timberlake's new song, "Sexy Back" as the time when Spears turned evil. Spears could've easily translated the words, "bringing sexy back" as her cue to wear short skirts and flash her freshly healed birth scars to the world. That's when the war began. Man, how things have changed from the days of dropping the sword and charging the cavalry.