The Diplomacy of International Adoption

Many people opt to go to other countries to adopt a child. I was one of them. The process of international adoption is long, detailed and expensive, prohibitively so for many would be adoptive parents. People who choose an international adoption become the diplomats and ambassadors representing their own country. International adoption is not only a process of finance, waiting, documentation and approval, but is diplomacy at every level, not just with one country but with two, the host and the home country.

Why Adopt Internationally

Why did I go to another country to adopt? After dealing with the adoption and legalities here, I realized it was a dead end for me, for many reasons. I had tried adopting a child in my state through the system that was in place. I did not care what color my child would be and I had no problem accepting a child with special needs. I had training in that. I was told flat out that I could not have a child who was not the same color as I am.

I asked them if they would rather have a child shuffled from home to home in the foster care system instead of giving them a loving home, because of their racial or cultural heritage when I had the home and the heart that wanted them as my forever child. I was told that is just how it is, so deal with it. They said that they would put me on the waiting list but I probably would not get a child.

I have spent my life dealing and interacting with other cultures and races. I would always respect that. That is part of who I am. That is how I was taught. I would teach any child who became my child the same things.I was angry at them for their responses. I understand the reasoning, but I do not have to agree.

They were wrong. First and foremost a child needs love, guidance, stability and a sense of belonging. What is outside is an important part of who they are and part of their seed of life but it is how that seed is fed and nurtured that will determine how they grow and flourish.

A child has a right to have a family of their own. It is even stated now, put down in writing by the United Nations as every child's birth right, a place where they belong.Rules are rules though, so I found another way. (Read about the Rights of a Child.)

After dealing with the state, I contemplated private adoption but after a great deal of research and limited funds, I decided on trying to adopt internationally. I chose China, knowing there were far more girls who needed homes there. If I could only have one child, I wanted a daughter. I did not have the money to adopt more than one child.

My general agency steered me away from China at the time, because of politics and snags. They recommended a local agency that dealt with Russian adoptions. I told them that I didn't care what country I go to, I was fine with going anywhere. In fact I thrive on that kind of experience. I wanted a daughter, if there was one available, who needed a home, so Russia it was. Both agencies were wonderful.

The woman who ran the agency then known as The Russian Liaison, now know as Adoptions and Aid International, was phenomenal. Diana Revutsky is a person who does this out of love. With the amount of work, diplomatic dealings and red tape involved there has to be love and dedication mixed in to be able to deal with it all.

After we returned from Russia, I found a place that carried old Russian medals, including Motherhood medals that were given to women who helped to repopulate post-war Russia. The more children they had the more ornate the medal, a fascinating piece of Russian history.

I thought it was apropos to get one for her since she had helped to give so many people the chance to be parents. She had helped me to become a mother, had found me my beloved daughter. A group of us bought it to present to her at a gathering. (You can see what the medals look like.)

Patience is a Must

Patience is a hard virtue to hold on to when you are adopting internationally. At times the rules and laws of each foreign country and even our own are not only frustrating but downright infuriating. It doesn't matter what we think though. When you are at the mercy of agencies and governments, you jump when they say jump. You can ask why and expect an answer all the time but you probably won't get the answers you are hoping for.

In adoption support group I can't tell you how many times I heard other adopting parents complaining and saying things like, "That is not how it is done here." or " Why aren't we getting an answer or more information?" I was impatient myself but not at the process or the people involved. I was impatient to hold my little girl, to bring her home.

You cannot simply dial up your adopting country to find out what you want or need to know. That would be stepping over the boundaries and quite possibly seen as rude or disrespectful by the host country. You have an adopting agency representing you for many reasons. One is to jump the hurdles necessary in dealing directly with the rules of the country you are adopting from and to establish diplomatic ties with representatives of each country, city and orphanage. That is their job. They know what they are doing.

Rules and regulations often change in the middle of the adoption process. Then you have to jump new hurdles. So does your agency and both countries involved. Nothing worth having is ever that easy.

No, it isn't just like where you come from or what you are used to dealing with.It isn't realistic to think that it will be. It is another country, another culture.

Diplomacy is learning to work within the given parameters in a mutually beneficial manner. Much of the time it involves giving and compromising more than you would like to and not always understanding why but having to accept it anyhow. You have to keep in mind the ultimate outcome. Each side gives a little and receives a little. In this case it is an international adoption of a precious human child. Bending over backwards is nothing in comparison to that.

Breakdown of Costs for an International Adoption

Diplomacy in an international adoption may also involve explaining the steps to people around you in your own life. I was told to ask my family and friends what they felt about it, and ask them if they would accept her.

I got a multitude of questions and comments from people which I loved answering except for the ones like,

" Aren't you just buying a child?"

"If it is costing that much to adopt you must be paying someone off."

"Why do you have to pay anything? They should be grateful you are even willing to adopt from their country."

I gritted my teeth at those kinds of comments and patiently explained the process, the wheres, whys and hows of adopting a child from another country.

No, I was not buying my child. The end cost for her adoption was $25,000. That needs to be broken down to help people understand where the money goes. I did not simply hand over $25,000 in a briefcase in some back alley and say, "Hey, get me a child."

The costs can be considerably more than what I paid. One friend adopted two sons from Guatemala and paid more than $40,000 for each of her son's adoptions.

So where does the money go? To begin with, each agency has a fee. They work for that fee. They do the negotiating, the setting up of each adoption and they deal with the other country directly. They do tons of paperwork. They often have to travel to the host countries.

There are fees for each set of fingerprints, background checks. There are fees for notarizing and an apostille of each document, every required sheet of paper. If you are not close to the state government that apostilles each paper, that involves a trip there or delivery fees. Sometimes you need the papers done yesterday so that means expedited fees for a quick delivery. This is often not a onetime expenditure either. There were many trips and piles of papers. (By the time the adoption was complete and she was home with me I had copies of enough documents and papers to fill a good sized box.)

There are home visits and counseling sessions to make sure your home passes muster, and to ensure you are an emotionally and financially suitable candidate for adoption. You may have to have physicals and shots for traveling. They get referral letters and can request interviews with people you know.

Visas and passports cost money. I was not even allowed to apply for my visa until the official invitation to come to Russia arrived from the court and Russian government. Then it was run like the wind to get it done yesterday again. You don't say. " No I can't make it on that date." When that invitation comes you better be ready to go.

Finding out that is not an option is a good thing to know ahead of time. If you do not show up at that appointed time, you could be refused the child you fought so hard to make your own.

This is not a time for individual blustering. This is a time for diplomacy, working with people, going with the flow and always keeping that final outcome in mind, even when you are totally frustrated and feeling like it will never happen. There is always the fear that maybe you will be the one they refuse to give a child to, that somehow you will not qualify. Many nights that fear kept me awake.

There may be fees to each area for procedures, in my case, Moscow and Kaliningrad. The orphanage or hospital may end up of with very little if any of that money.

There are the travel costs. There may be more than one required trip. That gets expensive. You cannot always get the best deals either if you have to be there quickly. If you are lucky, you have a little time to find a bargain.

Then you have to pay for lodging, possibly the liaisons if you need them and for assigned drivers. Some agencies like to keep a very close eye on the adopting parents while they are in the other country. That isn't only to keep you safe, it is to make sure you are representing them, yourselves and your own country in a manner that is appropriate and that will keep the paths of communication and adoption open for future would be parents.

The path you create when you are adopting internationally is the path the next families will have to walk behind you . Diplomacy doesn't just look at the past and the here and now but at the future. A sour experience with a family adopting a child in another country can close doors instantly. Reopening them can be a nightmare. Then everyone involved suffers.

There have been cases of abuse of the adopting system in international adoptions, people in it to get money at whatever cost, including cases of children being taken from their homes and put up for adoption without full understanding or consent. Some places were closed to adoptions until everything is reorganized. An organization in The Hague, inspired partially by the provisions sent down by The United Nations in the Rights of The Child, again stepped in with specific guidelines for adoptions worldwide, but not every country has gotten on board with it yet. Hopefully they will, for the sake of the children involved. ( The Hague Convention on Protection of Children and Co-operation in Respect of Intercountry Adoption)

You have to go as a guest and behave like a guest, with manners and patience. They are not obligated to do this. They allow us to adopt in their country. It is not a given just because we want it.

In many places, it is common practice and a basic courtesy to arrive bearing gifts. Many families did not realize that was not a bribe but a cultural acknowledgment. Gifts were brought for host families who each sponsored an adopting family, for the drivers and the officials, for the hospitals or orphanage, the nurses or caretakers and so forth. It can add up.

I came with many gifts and to be quite honest it never bothered me. I was glad to bring what are essentially tokens, no matter if they were simple or extravagant. This was a sign of respect, gratitude and to honor my hosts and hostesses at whatever service or level they represented. My parents usually came bearing gifts. I was raised in other countries. That was a normal thing to do.

I enjoyed looking for appropriate gifts to fill my suitcase. In the long run will you begrudge that expenditure while you are watching your child grow or will you wish you could have given more? I still wish to this day, 12 1/2 years later, that I could give more now in gratitude.

Adapting to a New Culture

Language is another thing that people do not often realize is very important in diplomacy in international adoptions or any other international relations. If you do not speak the language, it is most likely you will have liaisons to do that for you in official events. However even the most modest attempts at communicating in their language is met with delight and approval. How hard is it to go knowing some simple phrases and to carry a translation book to attempt to speak their language in their country? You can also teach your child that part of their birth heritage; even a few words count in that effort.

I thoroughly enjoyed conversing with my host families in Moscow and Kaliningrad in my broken Russian. They even learned some English from me. I got to share their family stories, share food and exchange feelings and bits of culture with the host families. In Kaliningrad, the couple whose home I stayed in brought out his old military uniform and photos from his military life. He even let us try his military hat on.

This man who only years previously had been a part of what we as a nation considered an enemy was sharing his pride at his own country and allowing me to share it with him. I was deeply honored. It occurred to me that I was in the home of someone who was once my enemy and now someone who I still hold close to my heart. Diplomacy indeed.

There was a wonderful liaison in both Moscow and Kaliningrad, two gracious, beautiful ladies who stood for their adopting families in court, in the signing ceremonies and so forth. They were paid too. I will say this though, both would have liked to have been in a position where they would not have taken any pay for their services.

The lady in Kaliningrad was embarrassed to receive a gift from us on top of a fee for services. The fee was very small in our terms but it made a difference for her. When she got flustered at receiving a gift too, I let her know in no uncertain terms, that was a gift from the heart and I wanted her to always remember that. I was and am grateful.

There is endless paperwork, countless meetings, and constant running around in preparation to qualify and then the excruciating wait to be approved for an adoptive child. It is an arduous process with an amazing and miraculous gift at the end of the road.

What people often do not understand completely, even those in the midst of the adoption process, is the diplomacy involved in being able to adopt a child from another country, not only in the application but in the waiting, traveling, interacting with the various agencies and bureaucracies and dealing with masses of ever changing red tape.

We as parents adopting internationally have to be ambassadors representing our country. There are rules of etiquette and procedure. They are not there to make things harder, as some people believe but to make them run more smoothly. Diplomatic guidelines are established to give all participants a common ground of understanding to work from.

Dealing with another culture, another country was the fun part for me. I have lived and traveled many places and thrived on the experiences. Going to a place that had been forbidden to me and that I had long been curious about was icing on the cake. I was thrilled. I had an adventure I was living and that adventure had steps that needed to be taken to make the outcome successful.

I told many people that if you go into an international adoption and the experiences of dealing with another country and culture, with preset expectations and are unwilling to bend or view it from another light, you miss out on the amazing experiences you are having. You won't see the forest or the trees that way. You won't even get close.

Each country has its own set of rules and regulations. They have them for their own reasons as we have ours. It doesn't matter if the adopting parents agree with the policies. Some will not grant adoptions to parents over a certain age, or even a combined age. Some expect a particular income and very specific health and stability requirements to be met. There can be any number of specific rules. That is their right.

You don't like it? They can say no to you. These are their children, the blood of their country. You are on their turf, not yours. It is not up to them to prove themselves to you but for you to prove yourself to them.

That being said every single person I dealt with directly from drivers to liaisons, to wonderful, warm host families who opened their homes to strangers, to judges and bureaucrats were phenomenal. They did their country proud, with no doubt.

Maybe it was partially my own attitude and what I put into the experience but I left Russia knowing I had done my best to keep that road open for the future and to bond with the people who opened their country up to me. I brought some money and some gifts. They gave me a child, something I was not able to have myself. I got a miracle in exchange for a few pieces of silver. So who really made out in this exchange? I am sure I did.

At the final tearful meeting with the chief of staff and the nurses who had lovingly taken care of our daughters with very little means at their disposal, we raised our glasses of champagne and shared chocolates in celebration of the passing of these children from one country to another. In that room they gave a speech in Russian saying that they were passing the daughters of their country to all of us to become part of ours, from their hearts to ours. We all cried.

They had watched us carefully and checked into our backgrounds to see who and what we were, what fiber we were made of. They knew from our personal interactions and the diplomacy, humanity and courtesy we shared with each other that they were passing them to caring hands and open hearts.

In all that time the only time I felt really threatened or tested to hold my tongue was at the Moscow airport when leaving Russia. There were many stories going around, urban myths about the reasons foreigners were adopting their children, unpleasant ones.

I got hit right in the face with one while I was standing in a long line waiting to go through exiting customs, my beautiful new daughter held against my heart. Joy abounded in me, filled with positive things, a new child and an awesome experience in a country I had never been to.

A Russian man came up to me asking me in thick English," Is it was true that you foreigners are taking our children to use for body parts?"

I held her closer to me and I turned as white as a sheet. I thought I was going to vomit. I was shaking so hard. I looked him in the eye and with all the diplomacy in me, held my head up with dignity, mustered up a simple answer and said," No, it isn't true. She is my child."

He left. It still gives me chills. I really would like to have slapped the man across the face, but I didn't and I am glad.

Now my daughter has been with me for 12 1/2 years. She became mine at 7 months old. The diplomacy of an international adoption never stops, even years later. It is always a part of my child and me. Now we can teach others. Once that path is open, many things become possible. We will always have a bond with the people of Russia. Goodwill ambassadors count when it involves an international adoption.