The Dirty Dozen, the 12 Most Annoying Football Cliches

With the arrivals of big-time college and NFL football fast approaching, pack up the babies and grab the old ladies as Neil Diamond sang in the 60's, and batten down the hatches. If nothing else, with football season and the baseball postseason coming up, we are about to be bombarded by...the dreaded football cliches. From the coachspeak of "giving 110%" to the player mumbling in between "you-knows" something about we lost "cause the other team just wanted it more", in no sport is the cliche more prevalent. Here is my list fo the most annoying of the football cliches, as the coaches like to say: "it is what it is".

12. The quarterback has "happy feet", as in a QB under a heavy rush (or sometimes even if there is no rush) who won't set his feet before throwing the ball. These guys have been known to take off running before giving a receiver a chance to get open. The term originated with Steve Martin in the 70's in his stand up comedy act. In an 80's song George Michael intoned "guilty feet have got no rhythm". So the feet are the key to all emotions? Sen Larry Craig might have his "gulity feet" in a "wide stance" in the Minneapolis airport mensroom during the GOP convention. It has been said that the definition of "between a rock and a hard place" is being in a mensroom stall between George Michael and Larry Craig.

11. "He put a lot of mustard on that ball". It has been reported that Babe Ruth used to eat hot dogs in the on deck circle, but I've never heard of a quarterback eating a hot dog on the field. I guess that mustard could come in handy in case he has to "eat the ball". Mustard is a no-calorie condiment, after all. I don't know where this one originated, nor do I care. Just please, football announcers: the expiration date on this one has long passed!

10. "There's no love lost between these two teams"/ "There's some extra-curricular activity after the play" Really? I always thought the football field was the epitome of brotherly love.(sarcasm alert). Don't look now but there's a mass wedding going on if the game is being played in CA or MA??? Football is a violent collision sport, some fighting is inevitable. Teams aren't supposed to like each other during the game! Players have been known to fight like brothers during a game and embrace afterward. As for the "extra-curricular" cliche: the players would all have to go to class to be involved in extra-curriculars wouldn't they? Take that cliche out of the football curriculum please!

9. "He has a nose for the football". i didn't know the ball had that much of an aroma, especially since one would have to be able to smell the ball over sweat, methane gas, vomit and who knows what else. Not to mention the fact that it wouldn't matter if the guy had a nose like a drug-sniffing dog if he couldn't tackle once he got to the ball. Announcers: sniff out a new football cliche please!

8. The other team puts their pants on the same way we do" Really? How do the people who mouth this tired football cliche know that? Do they have cameras in the opposing lockerroom ala Bill Belichick and last season's spygate scandal? And who would be monitoring how the other team puts their pants on? I've been known to put mine on both legs at a time, maybe some teams follow suit. What does putting pants on have to do with blocking. tackling and throwing a football, anyhow?

7. He runs to daylight! What does he do for night games? And are the announcers talking about running on the field or off of it? Almost as bad is the more recent "he's a "downhill runner" What ever happened to the "level playing field" everyone talks about?

6. Speaking of running the football, one of the pigskin pundits' favorite football cliches is "his team was running out the clock and he 'coughed up the ball'". Judging by the scramble for a loose football, I would say that fans would not see such scrums if the players were trying to grab something that had been "coughed up". Swallow hard announcers and come up with a new cliche!

5. He really rose to the occasion today! How many times is this football cliche followed by a viagra, cialis, levitra or some other such boner pill commercial? I have a young son, try explaining (when he was younger) what erectile dysfunction is to a 10 year old sometime. I heard a father dealing with just that during the Super Bowl one year. At least the boy thought the ad said "reptile dysfunction". The Dad patiently explained that it was a lizard that couldn't stand up on its' own. Not totally false.

4. Former Arkansas coach Houston Nutt, a master of football cliches, used to earnestly tell quarterbacks on his coachs' show not to force the ball to a covered receiver, "throw it to Grandma" in the stands. First of all, wouldn't that be a penalty either for intentional grounding or unsportsmanlike conduct? Secondly, what if Grandma has arthritis in her hands? Of course, in Nutt's "groundhog day" offense (you know, the same thing over and over), Grandma normally had more catches from the stands than most of the receivers on the field.

3.When a team has a big lead, the opposing defensive linemen are said to "pin their ears back" and come after the quarterback. if that's all it took, Spock from Star Trek and Ross Perot could have been All-Pros. Besides, with helmets on, how can anyone see their ears? Maybe announcers could open their ears and come up with a better football cliche.

2. Anytime a player does anything out of the ordinary after scoring a touchdown, the talking heads in the booth start whining: "just hand the ball to the official". So., let me get this straight, defenders can dance like Saturday Night Fever after a sack, or even celebrate a tackle after a 5 yard gain and offensive players can't celebrate? Please. Many of the same people who mouth this football cliche also call the NFL the "No Fun League". Which way do they want it? If a guy has sweated all through training camp, fought off injuries and studied film all week, he has earned the right to celebrate after a touchdown as long as he doesn't denigrate the opponent.

1. Last of all, the numero uno football cliche in my book is:"that throw was right on the money". You would figure with inflation and all, that announcers would have figured out that this tired football cliche has been devalued lower than Enron stock. I know the players are highly paid, but do we really want to make the players any more conscious of money than they already are? Besides, isn't that a gambling term? Count the number of times you hear this football cliche during any NFL or college game sometime. If the throw is anywhere in the same area code as the receiver, get ready to hear this comment. Unless Rex Grossman and the Chicago Bears are playing, maybe.