The Do-It-Yourself Hero: Kitchen Sinks, Shut-Off Valves, and Other Tribulations

In my various do-it-yourself adventures I've learned two things: no DIY project is ever as easy as it first appeared, and every project takes way more time than you had planned. These considerations loom especially large when said projects involve the kitchen or any bathroom used primarily by females.

Case in point: when we moved into our thirty-year old house, the kitchen counter tops were white laminate, not especially trendy, but certainly serviceable. We soon noticed, however, that over a period of three decades the surface of the laminate had been reduced to the textural consistency of a cellulose sponge. Every spill left a stain and every stain stubbornly resisted any treatment short of full-strength Clorox.

While the stains provided a constant source of aggravation for my wife, I felt they held a certain amount of promise. Sooner or later a coffee stain would combine with, say, cranberry juice and produce one of those squint-your-eyes-real-hard-and-believe religious images. We could charge admission and eventually be able to buy another house, this time one with granite countertops.

Months passed with no miracle, only a mounting Clorox bill. Also mounting was my wife's ire, along with her insistence that we do something. After looking at several alternatives, we (read she) decided that we (read I) would replace the laminate with ceramic tile. It was time to look for a phone booth . . . this called for the coveralls and tool belt of (drum roll and fanfare) . . . DIY Hero!

If you're thinking I'm going to let you in on the secrets of countertop tiling, just hold on a minute. That may be the subject of a later discussion, but neither you nor I are ready for that quite yet. As it turned out, there were many steps between here and laying the first tile, and we're gonna talk about one of them.

From the beginning it was fairly obvious that the stove cooktop and the sink would have to be temporarily removed. The cooktop was no problem . . . just loosened a few screws under the counter and it lifted right out. The sink turned out to be another matter entirely.

To remove a sink, the first thing you do is turn off the water. No problem: see those two pipes coming up from the floor under the sink? The ones with little chrome knobs on them? Just turn the knobs a few turns in a clockwise direction, and, voila, the water is off.

Since serious handymen like me try to be armed against any untoward eventuality, I grabbed an assortment of pliers and wrenches on the off chance the knobs were hard to turn. Then, employing a clever craftsman's trick, I opened both the hot and cold faucets before retiring beneath the counter. Now it's just a matter of turning the valves until the rush of water in the sink subsides.

Imagine my surprise when both knobs responded immediately to the first gentle touch. (Is this a good start, or what?)Yes, indeed, those knobs turned, and turned . . . and turned. In fact, they were spinning freely, having absolutely no effect whatever on the flow of water from the faucet. In a thousand episodes of Designed to Sell and Extreme Makeovers, this has never happened even once. Am I lucky, or what? I may have said a bad word . . .

At this juncture, some handymen might take the easy way out and replace the valves. Actually, so would I except for one thing . . . this house is plumbed with copper pipe. In principle, I know how to solder (sweat, if you must be technically correct) the joints on copper pipe; in practice, I'm afraid I'll burn the house down if I try. The DIY Hero doesn't do copper . . .

By now, I was half a day into the project and hadn't laid the first piece of tile. What to do? I could turn the water off at the street, but that would leave the house without water, making the bathrooms inoperable and insuring that my wife would leave me, thus negating the need for tile countertops. Hmmm. I pondered that for a couple of seconds and decided stopgap measures were definitely in order.

Yep, it was time to head for the big box home store. Sometimes, if you wander the plumbing aisles long enough, you'll see a real plumber buying supplies and can ask for advice. In any case, you'll see lots of stuff there that might provide inspiration. And so it came to pass . . . there amongst all the tubes and tees and ells and reducers were little brass screw-on caps. An epiphany! Turn off the water at the street and unscrew the water supply line from the top of the shutoff valve under the sink. Then simply screw the little brass cap onto the valve to plug it up.

The only problem was the absurd variety of sizes from which to choose. Since I didn't have a clue, I grabbed a couple of every size that looked close to what I remembered of the valve under the sink. Technical Note: the little brass screw-ons are called "compression caps"; the one that worked for me was a 3/8 inch size with female threads. (I think 3/8 inch may be pretty standard for connections between the shutoff valve and the faucet, but who knows?) Actually, if you stay with me till the end of this narrative, you may find that you don't need that little cap at all.

Things were looking up! Water off at the meter, supply line unscrewed from the valve, and I was ready to cap that bad boy off. A deft clockwise twist of Teflon tape on the valve's male threads, screw the cap on tight, then out to the meter to turn on the water. Now a mad dash back to the house, a careful peek into the kitchen, and . . . no spray, no geysers! The DIY Hero has again prevailed!

For the benefit of the one person in the world who is actually reading this for information, there are several more steps in removing a kitchen sink. First, unscrew the drain at the trap (for the uninitiated, that's the big curve in the pipe under the sink), then unscrew the pipe running from the drain to the disposal, and finally unscrew the disposal from the bottom of the sink. While purists may not approve, the easiest thing to do with the disposal is just lower it to the floor, leaving the wiring and dishwasher hose attached. Loosen whatever fasteners hold your sink in place (mine just has a few thumbscrews under the counter) and lift that baby out.

By the time my wife arrived home from work I was feeling pretty smug . . . I would regale her with the story of my travails and subsequent triumph, then bask in the warm glow of her praise. Her first words were, "When are you going to start?" I think she was looking for tile.

The tile, however, is a subject for later discourse . . . remember, we're talking about water shutoff valves here. Fast forward through a day of surface prep, three days of tiling, and one day of grout. Now use your imagination . . . gleaming surface, perfect grout lines, and a gaping hole where the sink must now be re-installed.

Almost finished, now. Drop the sink back in place. Hook up the disposal. Reattach the drain. And now we're back to the water shutoff valves, the ones that don't shut off, the ones that are temporarily sealed with . . . remember this . . . a brass 3/8 inch compression cap.

I'll freely admit that I was sorely tempted . . . just remove those caps and screw the water supply lines back on. After all, how often do you really need to shut off the water to the kitchen sink? And then . . . a Eureka! moment: why not attach another shutoff valve right on top the inoperative one? We know a 3/8 inch brass compression cap will fit; if only we can find a new shutoff valve with that selfsame 3/8 inch female fitting.

It's back to the home center plumbing aisle and there, among the plethora of valves, bright and shining in chrome-plated splendor, was the prize I sought. If only I had thought of it to begin with, there would have been no need for 3/8 inch compression caps, but there wouldn't have been much of a story, either. And by the way, if you need some those of little brass stoppers, let me know . . . I've got a couple that I'm not using.

For more adventures of the DIY Hero, check http://www.associatedcontent.com/kencabe