The Dopes of Cycling: They're Here, They're Queer and They Hate Cars
Why Am I Writing About Cycling? Part III
CAR PEOPLE
Ah, Car People, my people. Car People don't even need to be "car people", in a traditional sense, to enjoy membership in this sect. They don't need to be grease monkeys or even have the slightest idea of how cars work They don't even have to own a fucking car. They merely need to appreciate cars, roads and highways for what they are: society's highest form of personal transportation. These people need not "hate" cycling or cyclists. In fact, they might even be cyclists. Car People adhere to one principal and one principal only: they'd rather get from point A to point B without getting run off the road by a spandex clad warrior or worse, vice versa and a manslaughter trial. I am Car People, here me roar.
BIKE PEOPLE
Bike People aren't real people. I'm pretty sure they're robots from the planet Egomania. They make the line between getting killed and killing someone much thinner than what should be socially acceptable, if not illegal. When I worked at a deli there was this despicable hippie dude who wore a pro-cycling shirt that said, "Cars are Coffins". Fucking asshole, I thought. Of course they're coffins, especially when a brain-dead cyclist forces a head-on collision on a busy road. Bike People feel that wherever cars can go, they can go, even if that means heavily trafficked, winding roads with no shoulders. The disgusting, hypocritical truth of the matter is that that hippie douche bag owned a car and drove it to work each and every day, a quandary I'm sure most Bike People find themselves living through constantly.
THE SOLUTION
There is and never will be a set solution for this problem. As I've stated, the Bike people are far too stubborn. So, as we've done for the last two centuries plus, since that damn Frenchman Comte Mede de Sivrac invented the first bicycle in 1790, we try and coexist. But like my Uncle Jim says, "it's not murder if the victim was a cyclist and the weapon was your car."
(READER'S NOTE: I don't actually have an Uncle Jim. I took the liberty of fabricating a family member to increase the overall readability of this piece, though I'm not sure if it made a difference. I also, per my admission, would like to stress that I don't actually advocate murder. However, I do believe that we, as Americans, should drive our cars with disregard for cyclists' health in hopes that we ourselves should remain living.)
Published by Jetlag Democracy
Hi America, I'm a 2007 PZA winner. I write words in no particular, sometimes here, sometimes on the doors of bathroom stalls. My name is Lionel. View profile
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15 Comments
Post a Commentthe pure pleasure of riding a bike out weighs the risk of getting hit by a car or people wouldn't do it.
I can't believe my girlfriend said this is a great article. Well, it's written well. It makes clear distinct points.
Bicycles were made for roads... No roads were made for bicycles. That's your problem.
I think another part of the problem is how big the cars are... I love riding in traffic and having people beep at me.
If you really want to complain just get the Bicycle classed as a vehicle which doesn't have rights to the road.
If bullets kill get rid of the bullets. If operators kill get rid of the operators.
Great article, a surprise by using the search term queer.
I don't hate cars, but I loathe overly aggressive drivers who think they're on a closed race course and damn anybody who causes them to ease off the accelerator a little. Folks with your attitude not only kill cyclists but pedestrians, dogs, cats and kids, not to mention other drivers. All this so you can get home a minute earlier? Shame!
What an insecure little person. The earlier comment about Xenophobia was right. Can you say "Hitler with a car"? Since your advocating the killing of another...how about this, you run over one of my cycling buddies and the rest of us will kick your fat ass.
It seems rather ignorant to advocate the murder of one person based on their form of transport.
That said, a quick look at many countries around the world reveals that cars and bicycles are able to co-exist. Look at China, Taiwan, Thailand and a number of other countries in Southeast Asia. The issue here is not with cyclists but rather road and city design. By building roads without shoulders, by forcing all forms of traffic into one large artery, people are forced into situations that aren't necessary.
I currently live in Taiwan, and by default all roads have a shoulder that doubles as a scooter / motorcycle / bicycle lane. People can easily fit into one part of the road or the other. Rather than push for death, why not seek constructive ways to remedy the problem?
Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain - and most fools do.
Jetlag, I think I have discovered the source of your hatred for bicycle riders.
1. You have to pay for gas to drive your car.
2. You have to pay insurance to drive your car.
3. You have to wait in rush-hour traffic in your car.
4. You have to pay parking meters with your car.
5. You have to pay for oil changes, repair chargers, and tire rotations for your car.
6. You pollute the earth with disregard for the future of our country.
7. You are jealous of bicycle riders for the fact that reasons 1-6 don't apply to them.
Thanks for reading. Sucker.
hey come back here and read some more content!
I hate drivers like this. They deserve to wait behind a slow moving tractor.
Quit looking at my spandex covered ass, you creep.