The Do's And Dont's of Cannibalism: Maintaing Good Taste

If and when you find yourself stuck 21,000 feet up the south-face of Mt. Everest with no food or water and the prospect of a huge blizzard closing in on you, one that will make any attempt at getting off the mountain impossible and hamper any proposed rescue attempts for days you might like to think long and hard about which of your fellow companions you will, won't, should or shouldn't eat! (aka: cannibalize).

Obviously the first choice is going to be to eat the person or person's you like the very least. This would make gutting and flaying the corpse a little easier to bear one would imagine and may actually be hugely enjoyable. 'No more annoying Austin Power's impersonations for you Uncle Merle!' you may say to yourself as you extract the meat off his bones. However eating family members is probably something you should try to avoid no matter what the temptation. It is generally frowned upon and you will never be able to look at your family photos in quite the same way ever again.

Now although 'Fat Albert' may be a delightfully meaty snack it would make for some very awkward after-dinner conversation at Thanksgiving as well as any similarities said 'Fat Albert' may have had to any plump featherless turkey's that are being roasted to perfection by tearful Auntie Maude. However, being that 'Fat Albert' is more than likely......fat! you may consider channeling your carnivorous taste buds to leaner fare. Your athletic sister (as much as you may have loved her) may be easier to cut up and would surely produce more lean meat without leaving a huge repulsive carcass. Then you have the problem of what to do with the remains of the body. Perhaps you could extract the meaty contents of your chosen relative whilst leaving the carcass with a fatty layer beneath, this way you could wear it as a heat-saving albeit unattractive coat. Do not under any circumstances eat 'Tyra Banks' should she be a climbing partner as she is very concerned about her body image.

The last thing you have to do after having eaten Big Brother or Little Sis is to think of an adequate story that you can stick to and that won't be easily questioned. Either that or you could pretend to be just too traumatized to ever talk about your experiences. Remember 'Deliverance' and how nobody could talk about their experiences with the pervy nature boys - well that could be one way to go. Remember though that you should really try and avoid eating family members altogether unless you are experiencing extreme conditions. You should also try and avoid eating your entire climbing party. This will make you look both greedy and rather homicidal in nature.

Finally some sage words of advice. If you must go climbing tall mountains in the Himalayas make a check-list. A menu if you will, so that should you encounter an extreme situation you won't have to spend too long thinking about who you should and shouldn't eat.