The Double Standards of a Cheater

I often have chat to people as I work and a recent discussion with one IM user, let's call him John (not the name on the IM but it works for this) left me wondering just what goes on in the minds of some men and women out there.

I'm married. My IM shows I'm married. I'm also in the Ds lifestyle and don't believe in discussing the intimate details of my sex life with anyone other than my husband. Call me weird, but you know if I wanted to discuss it with every Tom, Dick and Harry out there I'd write a book and at least make some money out of it.

'John' contacted me to learn a little more, or so he said, about Ds, which for those not familiar with the term, means dominance and submission. The main aspects of Ds that I do try to encourage people to learn about when they're interested in the lifestyle are Trust, Respect, Honest, Communication and Consent. Part of that respect, to me, is not cheating on your partner, and keeping your word. Now that might be one partner, or more, depending on if you're in an monogamous relationship, or if you're polyamorous. Neither of which involve swinging. Casual sex is not the ruling force of Ds and though some Ds relationships include it, these are in the minority from my experience in the lifestyle over the past eight years.

But back to the topic.

What came out in this conversation is that 'John' like many cheaters I've spoken to over the years. Has no problem in enjoying what he called a little 'excitement' with another woman, providing he wasn't going to get caught, or if he thought he wasn't, or was just caught up in the moment, but would never stay with someone who cheated on him.

He expects the trust, respect and honesty to be all one way, in his favor.

I have to ask - why?

I mean if the cheater needs that extra excitement and sees nothing wrong in it, why could they then object to their partner doing the same thing? Am I the only one who sees this as a little - well - strange?

'John' took a moment to think, or perhaps stare dumbstruck at the screen, when I pointed this out. Before he stuttered a 'well this is just how it is'. He then admitted he'd be furious if his woman cheated on him, but how it was a guy thing and she should accept it from him. Besides he wasn't dumb enough to get caught.

There are many men and women who have exactly the same attitude. That's it's just fine for them to cheat, but heaven help their partners if they did the same thing. To the cheater it's nothing more than a fling, something on the side, a touch of excitement, nothing serious. She/he, whoever their partner is, should love and trust them enough to accept this about them. After all, they're coming home at the end of it, aren't they?

It's almost as if the partner, the one who is being cheated on, should be grateful they have anyone in their life at all.

And there is, to me, the crux of the problem. They don't love, trust, or respect their partner. They don't even like them all that much, but they keep the man or woman so no one else can have them. A possession. Something to be taken out of the closet when the time is right, be it as a play thing on their arm, the paycheck, the mom/dad to the kids, or the warm body in bed at the end of the day. They are not fully human to the cheater who acts this way.

So if you're in a relationship with a serial cheater, one you know would hit the roof if you stepped out on them, ask yourself this.

Are you a person to them?

Or a possession.

I guarantee you won't like the answer if you're brave enough to ask yourself that question.