The Downside to Attachment Parenting
How Attachment Parenting Has Made My Life More Difficult
Attachment parenting came to me slowly. When I found out I was pregnant in 2006, I had never heard of it. I joined an online forum for expectant moms and had my first introduction to AP. I was turned off by it at first because some of its practices, particularly cosleeping and extended breastfeeding, were so foreign to me and I held mainstream ideas about them.
However, the more I read, the more I found myself embracing the philosophy. Ideas like difficult behavior is an expression of an unmet need, really resonated with me. I always planned on breastfeeding so that took no convincing, and I gradually came to believe that child-led weaning was best. Babywearing seemed strange but I took to it for pragmatic reasons, but then I saw the positive effects it had on my daughter. Cosleeping was something I was totally opposed to. I believed the mainstream misconceptions like you'll never get the baby out of the bed, you'll never be able to be intimate with your spouse, and that it was dangerous. However, after I brought my tiny newborn home, I simply couldn't stand leaving her all alone in a crib; it felt so unnatural and cruel. By the time my daughter was a week old, I was firmly entrenched in AP and loving it. If only I had known what I was getting myself into.
I never read anything negative from AP parents about AP. It sounded so easy: listen to your child, she will lead you and show you what she needs. Your bond will be so much stronger, you will be so in tune with your baby that things will come naturally. I thought it was great. I wish I had read something, anything, about how draining AP can be for the parents, especially mothers. I'm not sure I would've changed anything I did, but at least I would've been aware of the struggles I could face.
Things were easy at first, just as advertised. After the first few weeks though, and especially after my husband returned to work, things got harder. As time went on and I felt the need to have a little more time and space to myself, the more smothered I felt. I was the only one who could put her to sleep. She wouldn't sleep unless I was with her (at nap and at night). I was the only one who could soothe her if she woke up because she wouldn't allow my husband to. I could never put her down without her crying. I lived in two-hour increments between feedings. I couldn't even shower more than once or twice a week because I couldn't put her down and I had no one to hold her for me. The amount of time, energy and effort that went into all my AP practices left me with nothing to give my husband. We drifted apart and our marriage suffered. If I were like many mainstream parents, I would've simply set her down and let her cry while I showered. I would've left her to CIO in her crib so I could sleep. I would've given up on breastfeeding (or never started in the first place) and turned feeding over others. Since I did continue to breastfeed, I could've forced her to wean before she was ready so I could have my breasts back. We would've hired a babysitter so we could go out without her. But we both felt that all those things were selfish, not in her best interest and definitely not the way to raise our daughter, so we soldiered on.
My daughter is two now. The first two years had been more difficult than I anticipated and I attribute that to being AP. In some ways life is easier now though: she sleeps in her own room without me, she weaned herself a few months ago, she plays by herself, gives me space if I ask for it, allows my husband to put her to bed and can be very independent. However, she still needs me in many ways and I continue to have to put my needs behind hers most times. I now have to have activities to keep her stimulated all day or I pay the price in the form of a tantrum. I have a hard time keeping up with the housework because she will act out for attention if I try to clean. I am unable to have hobbies, watch a TV show I want to watch, spend time on the computer, or spend much time with my husband unless she's asleep. I have to constantly come up with creative solutions for difficult behavior. If I were a mainstream parent, I could put her in a time out or punish her in other ways. I could do my activities and park her in front of the TV all day. I could drop her off at daycare or hire a babysitter a few days a week for some time to myself. But that's not how we're willing to treat our daughter.
Being AP can also feel alienating because it is not embraced by the majority of Americans. People have many misconceptions about the way we parent. They think gentle discipline is permissive parenting and that kids will never learn to put themselves to sleep if you don't make them cry-it-out. And of course breastfeeding a child of any age remains taboo, but breastfeeding a toddler is seen as disgusting or perverted by many people (even though it's the norm in the rest of the world). There aren't many people to turn to if you have a question (though there are great online communities of like-minded parents, like Motheringdotcommunity). I couldn't go to my mom for advice and support about breastfeeding, and she took every chance she got to "encourage" us to move our daughter out of our bed. Many pediatricians don't understand AP practices and it can be difficult to find one that does.
I'm proud to practice attachment parenting. I don't regret being an AP parent and I readily recommend it to others. I truly believe that AP is the way nature intended us to parent. It is an intense and very rewarding path; but its intensity can be overwhelming. If I had known how difficult it could be, I feel like I would've been more prepared and aware of the traps so I could've possibly avoided them, or at least mitigated them.
Published by Elle Künstlerin
Elle Künstlerin is all things to no people and no things to all people. She is a paramedic by profession, a wife by luck, a mother by destiny, a writer by madness and a photographer by mania. While he... View profile
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19 Comments
Post a CommentGee it seems like another way to make Mom's feel guilty to me
I do not judge someone that chooses AP. I do resent that you judge me. I do not plop my child in front of the TV all day. I breastfed my oldest daughter until she was over a year old and have thus far exclusively breastfed my second daughter who is 6 months old. We have never used CIO method to get either of them to sleep independently and my oldest daughter sleeps in her own room and goes down without crying. My youngest daughter still sleeps in our room. My oldest daughter has many activities to keep her occupied during the day but can also play independently. Neither my husband or I are detached from there lives and we take turns with the bedtime rituals. We can both comfort our daughters and our 2 year old is a happy independent although somewhat stubborn child. Our 6 month old is happy and rarely cries. You do not have to strictly be an attachment parent to be in tune with your child's needs and for them to feel loved and nurtured.
You know, different parenting practices work for different people. AP is something that most people tend to practice by instinct, without really knowing what it is...but it tends to be natural, instead of a diligently followed set of rules for parenting. I think it's the latter quality that makes it exhausting.
I'm a SAHM to my kids, and I am always with them and engaged with them. Sometimes, I wear my son, and sometimes I give him time to practice his new skills on a playmat or in a Bumbo. I talk with my two year old about the things we're doing, and the things she sees, and sometimes we have some quiet time reading books so I can pay the bills (because no matter how well I parent, I can't do it well with no water, lights, or roof over our heads). However, my daughter still has the occasional timeout if we're dealing with a genuine behavior (I always try to make sure there's nothing else wrong to begin with...hunger, tiredness, etc), and I don't feel that it's wrong. I resent the way you imply that anyone who isn't practicing every tenet of AP is starving their children of affection, attention, and love. ["If I were like many mainstream parents, I would've simply set her down and let her cry while I showered. I would've left her to CIO in her crib so I could sleep. I would've given up on breastfeeding (or never started in the first place) and turned feeding over others. Since I did continue to breastfeed, I could've forced her to wean before she was ready so I could have my breasts back. We would've hired a babysitter so we could go out without her. But we both felt that all those things were selfish, not in her best interest"] ["They think gentle discipline is permissive parenting and that kids will never learn to put themselves to sleep if you don't make them cry-it-out."] For the record, my kids sleep on their own, and to help them learn how to do that I didn't heartlessly leave them alone in a dark room to cry for hours (which, incidentally, if you actually READ Ferber's method isn't what he recommends at all). I gradually, over the course of several weeks taught them how to fall asleep on their own by laying them down at different stages of sleep/awake states. Is that heartless too? Because I put them down at night with lots of kisses and love and they fall asleep happily chatting to themelves about all the things they did *with me* all day. I breastfed my daughter until she weaned herself at 11 months, and will do so for my son. My husband and I take a break and let our kids spend time with a babysitter whom they adore so that we can regroup and come back refreshed and better parents for having allowed ourselves a few moments to breathe. We als do it so that we can stay connected as husband and wife...because how will we parent our kids well if we let our marriage crumble? (Did you hear yourself breeze over the fact that your marriage suffered?) They are secure, independent, and happy kids. Each has ther own personality, and level of need. I give myself to my kids all day and I'm happy about it because I'm not trying to fit myself into a set of ideals. I let it come naturally, and I don't need a list of how-to's or an unattainable, exhausting parenting "philosophy" to do it. We have parenting instincts ingrained in us. We just need to let ourselves listen to them instead of to how someone else tells us we should parent.
And for the record, I also spend my day caring for a little one whose mother practices AP. With her, he's clingy, whiny, rarely sleeps well and night or naps, and acts out with huge temper tantrums (in which he's even injured her and himself). With me, he's independent, follows my gently given guidance on what we do and do not do, and is happy and well-rested (because I do expect him to nap). He knows what I expect of him, has limits and boundaries, and feels secure because of it.
So think twice before you assume everyone who doesn't do what you do is "selfish"...and frankly, it seems I'm a much happier parent and what do you suppose that does for my children? We do not have to matryrs to prove we love our children.
Good article, I would like to specifically comment on what you said about breastfeeding being taboo. It is funny because it is starting to swing the other way as well. I breastfed my daughter very on, but ended up supplementing for a variety of reasons, and then ended up soley bottle feeding. People that I did not even know were very vocal when they saw me giving her a bottle! I felt a lot of shame over bottle feeding her for a long time. I think it really must depend on the area of the country you are living in.
I definitely agree that breastfeeding in public is very taboo in many parts of the country, or even in a family or friend's home. I grew very lonely hiding away in a back room when we visited friends of family. And breastfeeding an older child was not something I had even heard of until I became pregnant. Like you, I learned a lot about AP online after becoming preganant.
"I truly believe that AP is the way nature intended us to parent. "
This is a completely ridiculous statement. It assumes all indigenous people parent the same way. They do not. There is an infinite variety of parenting practices around the world, from tribe to tribe and from region to region. It is a terribly arrogant Western conceit that all indigenous pre-industrial peoples parent the same way in some 'noble savage' state of nature. The fact is, we do not and can never know how nature intended us to parent.
Attachment parent all you like but please stop pretending that it is 'natural' or making statements like breastfeeding a toddler is "the norm in the rest of the world" - it is not.
I agree it depends more on the personality of each child rather than in the way you raise them. If your child had such high need to be close to you, it was good to practice AP. If you had chosen to do it differently, maybe your struggles would have been harder because she would not have feel as supported as she was, and that would have made her more difficult to handle. I have 2 kids, my first girl was very independent since the beginning and I was not successful at breastfeeding (only 2 months). With the second my lactation has been very successful (he is almost 2 yrs old and we continue) and I have followed many of the AP lines (cosleep, baby wearing). They are very different and I have treated them also very differently but love both of them immensely. Both are now independent enough for me at their age. I hope to wean him soon, I expect difficulties, but I am very satisfied with being so close to him.
I think that with my first child I was an unwittingly practicing AP. She demanded a lot of my time and I was eager to give it. I now have 3 other little ones and I think that my attachment to my first was more to my benefit. Which is fine. But be careful not to burn yourself out meeting the babies needs. Mainstream parents do not love their children any less than you. They just have a different method. What we sometime intend for good really is a hinderance for our children. While I want to meet all my kids wants, I know that it is not always best for them. I want to prepare them for the world and sometimes that preparations starts at 2. I have read that children who's parents push them to be more independent are much more productive.
Hey, I am somewhat new to AC so I was browsing and reading some of your articles. This one struck me in particular because I am also a attachment parenting mom. My son is now 44 and thank goodness finally likes to sleep in his bed. I loved to snuggle and be close until he was around 2, then I found I really craved y own space and needed some time just my husband and I. It's tough...
Yay; it's good to see that there are other mothers out there like me! I have 4 boys & have always been very close to them all. They slept with me from the second they were born until they were ready. My youngest just started sleeping on his own, a few months before his 3rd bday. The good news is that it gets easier as they get older! They eventually quit the tantrums and learn, also. :) Good luck and kudos to you!
I wish I could have done attachment parenting but I had to go back to work when my son was 7 weeks old. :(