The Effect that "Coming Out" has Upon a Family

General systems theory states that each unit of a system is interconnected with a task of maintaining the balance of the system in order to achieve common goals. It applies to one-celled organisms, and large corporations. We have also applied this theory to the family. The family systems theory was created in order to study the impact each member of a family has on an individual as they interact to balance each other, keeping relationships healthy. These interactions, the many activities that a unit performs in order to keep the system functioning as a whole, are referred to as tasks. These tasks include maintenance routines, emotional, physical, and spiritual nurturing, support, socialization, reproduction, communication, etc. In a functioning family system, these tasks serve to manifest healthy growth on personal and societal levels. If these tasks are accomplished, then a person is able to move beyond satisfying basic needs and begin to satisfy those things that are defined as desires or goals, and a theoretically healthy lifestyle.

However, these tasks may be thwarted on an underlying level, unbeknownst to the family, should a family member be keeping a secret that renders the task of teaching, learning, and establishing trust as a relative impossibility. Such is the first major and ongoing issue behind the "Coming Out" process, or as I prefer to call it, disclosure. Dr. Eli Coleman of University of Minnesota Medical School suggests that, if sexual object choice as part of gender identity is formed by age 3, a child may manifest behavioral problems as the child struggles with depression and alienation after having learned of the family and societies prejudices against being gay. Most likely this occurs on a sub-conscious level, as the child hides misunderstood feelings from themselves and others (Coleman, 1985). This can only cause imbalance and dysfunction in a family system, and Coleman states that some individuals may get "locked into one stage and never progress" (1985).

It is this initial imbalance that is the cause for fear and mistrust, leading to increased stress, and the long held prejudices that families have learned that were established by the psychological community may contribute to adolescent suicide during this sensitive developmental period (Gittner, 2006). Gittner suggests that the propagation of the theory of homosexuality as a disease may be the underlying cause of societies' increasingly prejudicial attitudes from the turn of the century until the recent past which places a burden of shame upon an adolescent, sometimes leading to depression, feelings of alienation and, eventually, suicide (2006). Suicide attempts probably have a severe effect on a family system's functioning, I would hazard to suggest.

Should the person successfully pass through this stage, the next challenge to the family system is the disclosure of sexuality itself. According to the Institute for Personal Growth (IPG), a key skill any family system needs to successfully deal with this step is differentiation (2008). This is the ability to avoid the emotional bias of the moment and view the circumstances in a rational manner (IPG, 2008). Yet history, study and personal experience has shown that families are not always able to keep such a clear, logic-based view of such an event.

Some families experience such an emotional interdependency and difficulty with differentiation that they may take many differing actions to force the individual back into "the closet", and thus restore conformity and balance within the family (IPG, 2008). These families, referred to as fused families, may even try rejection as an extreme tactic to push the issue, leading the individual to attempt to leave the family system and attain independence, but Bowen's research shows that unresolved issues just increase dysfunction in systems as they manifest themselves by being projected onto others. Furthermore, research indicates emotional cutoff from parents leads to higher levels of marital conflict, a good indicator for the same problems in homosexual partnerships (IPG, 2008).

However, one cannot entirely blame a family for a natural reaction to what my own mother described as the death of a child. The IPG indicates that parents must grieve image of heterosexual child they believed in, as well as the loss of a traditional family image, and the expectations they held for the future (2008) while Tom Sauerman of PFLAG suggests stages of grief similar to Kubler-Ross stages of grief and loss (OutProud,1995). We know from previous classes that the KUBLER-ROSS stages of grief and loss consist of:

Shock
Denial
Sadness and Guilt
Anger
AcceptanceOne parent interviewed (who requested anonymity) stated she went through SHOCK, Denied feelings of denial, although she admitted to wanting counseling for her child at some point and the belief a person could change through religion, GUILT, that maybe she had done something to cause the homosexuality, either directly or genetically, or even spiritually (Generational Curse?), ANGER at the friends who may have influenced her son, and acknowledges she may never reach ACCEPTANCE although "her love for her son has not changed". But her religion will never allow her to reach that acceptance, and she does not wish to be "pushed" any farther on the subject (Personal Interview, 2008).

So if disclosure comes with so heavy a price attached, why reveal one's sexuality at all? One could start by looking at the research indicating a higher level of suicides due to the distress of keeping a sexual orientation hidden (Gittner, 2006). However, should the adolescent not choose suicide, the IPG suggests that seeking an increased level of closeness and honesty with parents can be psychologically healthy and ultimately beneficial to all future relationships, and therefore is probably one of the critical developmental tasks for gay people(2008). Furthermore, should disclosure never occur, it may compromise the psychological maturation of the individual, and thus hamper the proper development of the family system (IPG, 2008).

If one of the tasks of the family is to raise a healthy, well adjusted child to adulthood, then "positive reactions by family... may have a greater impact than all the direct and indirect reactions of society" (Coleman, 1985).When gay people come out in a rejecting world, their families are asked to embrace this without shame, despite societal stigmas and prejudice, and difficulties historically lead to family dysfunction (IPG, 2008). A good portion of the 20^th century was spent finding and perpetuating reasons for shame over sexuality, flaws of the family or individual character, so it is understandable a family may be hesitant about joining in the individual family members "coming out" themselves (Gittner, 2006). If a father's acceptance of his son's homosexuality meant that he had to accept, as turn of the century psychoanalysts suggested, he was a poor same-sex role model or perhaps a weak inadequate father, acceptance would probably be slow in coming (Ellis & Ames, 1987). But Bowen suggests that in even healthy families, shock of disclosure may exceed the coping abilities of the family system if the child comes out as a reactive response in a family conflict, tries to force immediate acceptance as result of family fusion, or simply lacks patience with the grieving process (IPG, 2008, OutProud, 2002).

It is suggested that positive behavioral attitudes of the individual lead to higher chance of parental acceptance and nondisclosure prevents family from becoming truly intimate and supportive of each other, so the counselor in the midst of a "coming out crisis" would be smart to take a systems theory view of family dynamics while supporting individual developmental tasks which might have lagged behind his hetero-sexual peers as much as possible (IPG, 2008, Coleman, 1985).If a family therapist can teach coping skills, and assist the family in emotional objectivity while staying mentally connected can overcome "disclosure crisis" and even heal and strengthen distressed systems (IPG, 2008).

The IPG suggests a therapist should first allow members to express feelings and "cool-down" and therefore stresses the need for separate sessions to start (2008). This is one way to "slow the action", individually dealing with each family member until the stress level diminishes and family sessions can take place with a minimum of emotional explosions and a maximum of beneficial discussion (IPG, 2008). They will need the following if they are to resolve the initial crisis successfully:

o to address needs of all subsystems, or members

o the individual needs someone to accept and validate their feelings,

o the families must be educated on gay issues.

Research suggests families who are more knowledgeable about gay issues and people tend to weather the initial crisis and move toward acceptance faster than their less informed counterparts (IPG, 2008). To start, both families and the therapist should be aware that the APA declassified homosexuality as an illness in 1973 (American Psychiatric Association, 1994). The IPG continues by suggesting literature meant to help families understand what other families like theirs are experiencing to help ease the transition towards understanding (2008). From personal experience, this can be a very useful way to channel tension into a peaceful and educational activity.

The IPG continues by scheduling planned distance and brief contacts as a therapeutic measure (2008). Although maintaining connection to the family should continue to be a priority, planned and temporary family gatherings or therapy sessions can "keep family members connected while at the same time allowing them the emotional space to work through their feelings" (IPG, 2008). A therapist should also keep in mind their own biases and prejudices, and not treat a client if they feel they cannot provide therapy that will take place in a "professionally neutral environment, without any social bias" (APA, 1994).

If the family is strong and healthy enough to reach acceptance, then the individual will have a much easier time to reach the final developmental stage suggested by Coleman in his work, that of integration(1985). Integration "is characterized by non-possessiveness, mutual trust, freedom, and greater success" and is a stage that will last throughout the rest of the individuals life (Coleman, 1985).

So, we have found that many homosexuals have experienced great difficulties in their family systems during the process of disclosure in the past. Recent articles have appeared though that suggests that prior research may be generally biased with regard to the current struggles adolescents and their families are facing. For example, Gina Zucker of the NY Post reported in 2007 that 40% or respondents in a survey "don't care a whit" about their family reaction to disclosure (Zucker, 2007). The Zucker article suggests further that media exposure may have provided those who do care about family reaction a positive way to begin disclosure (2007).

Dr. Toole, of USC Upstate School of Education, theorizes that it is simply the effect of greater "exposure to discussions [of sensitive issues] where a dozen years ago [there] was not". An educator since 1986, she says she has noticed that there is definitely more emphasis on the well-being of the individual, and less on family, making a family crisis less stressful to the youth (Toole, 2008). Adele Horin of the Sydney Morning Herald reported in 2005 that Dr. Lynne Hillier of the Australian Research Centre found "fantastic improvements in young [gay] peoples self image" since their previous survey in 1998, citing the extra support and social groups available, greater media exposure and other cultural changes (Horin, 2005).

Could it truly be that much easier? In a Boston Globe article by Alison Lebron, 19 year old Russell Peck says his coming out was easy as his friends "totally accepted" him, and his parents response was "equally positive and accepting" (2007). Lebron the refers to 'a "next wave" of adolescents with gay teachers, tv characters, neighbors, politicians, and parents who take for granted the acceptance "we struggled to get" ' (2007).

While that is an admirable goal, I conclude that therapists will still be needed, families will still be in turmoil, and the family system will suffer from sexual disclosure related dysfunctions for some time to come. It's still too soon, and there are too many people, too many religions, too many differences to take this valuable resource, the family, for granted and to allow something as simple as who an individual loves intrude upon the balance, the sanctity of the healthy family system we all strive for. Through the family therapists of the future, perhaps we all can look forward to a day when no family will ever need to undergo treatment for disclosure crisis.

WORK CITED

Anonymous. (2008, Mar, 22). "Personal Interview: A Parent Reaction." In By Mark Gittner.

APA Help Center. Sexual Orientation and Homosexuality. APAHelpCenter. Retrieved April 8, 2008, from www.apahelpcenter.org

Coleman, E. (1985). Developmental Stages of the Coming Out Process. In J. Gonsiorek, Ed. A Guide to Psychotherapy with Gay and Lesbian Clients. New York: Harrington Park Press.

Gittner, M. Homosexuality and Suicide Among Adolescents: Cause and Effect. Associated Content. Retrieved April 8, 2008, from http://www.associatedcontent.com/artic le/279886/homosexuality_and_suicide_amo ng_adolescents.html

Horin, A. (2005, May 25). Coming Out getting easier for gay teenagers. The Sydney Morning Herald.

Institute for Personal Growth. Coming_Out_Crisis. IPGCounseling.Com. Retrieved March 22, 2008, from www.ipgcounseling.com/coming_out_crisis

Lobron, A. (2007, November 11). Easy Out. The Boston Globe. Retrieved April 8, 2008, from www.boston.com/bostonglobe/magazine/ar ticles/2007/11/11/easy_out

Sauerman, T. Coming Out To Your Parents. Out Proud. Retrieved February 22, 2008, from www.outproud.org/brochure_coming_out_. html

Toole, C. (2008, Mar, 28). "family." In By Mark Gittner.

Zucker, G. (2007, January 17). Coming Out - Is it getting easier? The New York Post. Retrieved April 8, 2008, from www.nypost.com/