The Effect of Domestic Violence on Women: Why Does She Stay?

Once upon a time, I wondered why she stayed. I wondered why she seemed to ignore it all, the screams, the name-calling, the bruises; I wondered why she would put up with the treatment she got from anyone. That was then, I guess when we ask why about something long enough, we will eventually learn the reason. I did. I learned the hard way, I learned by hours and days and years spent in a relationship I knew was killing me. I learned from looking into the eyes of the man I loved, and knowing that if just once I could make everything perfect enough, that he would love me and be good to me. I knew to very core of my being that the way he reacted was my fault, and that no matter what happened on some level I was to blame. These are all things I wondered until they were things I knew.

It is easy to look at a relationship and question, and determine that there is no way we would ever live in such a relationship. It is easy to look at the woman who shies away from contact regardless of how innocent, and decide that she was and always will be a shrinking violet, and that is just how it is. It is not easy to broach the subject of Domestic Violence, not even in a day and age when anyone you bump into will tell you how wrong it is, how painful it is, and how stupid any woman is to put up with it for any reason. But, the truth is, no one can understand that it is the reaction by society to domestic violence that often keeps these women right where they are. That maybe, just maybe, once upon a time she wasn't a shrinking violet, she loved contact and life in all their wonderful forms. But, that years of hearing the word stupid, idiotic, and every other insult you can imagine have finally sunken in until the spirit, the zest for life she once possessed are gone. Not truly gone, but beaten down to the point that she cannot even find them. Her days are filled with constant preparation for his every need. Because, she has learned to not only fulfill his needs, but to anticipate them and meet them before he even knows they exist. She has learned not to smile or frown too much, not to work to quickly or slowly, not to laugh to loud or to appear sullen. She has learned and mastered the ultimate balancing act in life, and now you want her to jump off the tightrope into the waiting arms of someone else telling her how stupid she has been all this time for simply doing what she had to in order to survive.

This is why she stays, because, in her mind there is no choice. I mean she could leave her home, her surroundings, everything she knows, probably dragging her kids along for the ride, but for what? To be told by society how stupid she is for having stayed so long? To be told what an idiot she was to give up every fiber of herself for someone who never truly cared or appreciated the sacrifice. Why? Why would she put herself through a torture she was so familiar with from a whole new hand?

If you have ever asked yourself the question, why does she stay? Maybe the next question you should ask should be, what can I do to show her I support her no matter what decision she makes, and that to leave would truly be the first step in her road to recovery? How can I make sure she knows that she truly is a survivor, and that even survival is easier when you don't have someone kicking you down. These are the questions we as a society should be asking rather than asking why does she stay.