The Emotionally Unavailable and Passive Agressive Man

Emotionally unavailable men are often passive aggressive , the two go hand in hand and while one may exist without the other, the combination is common. These passive aggressive and emotionally unavailable men cause a great deal of harm to their families. Daughters especially suffer from a father who is emotionally unavailable since much of their self esteem is related to their relationship with their father. A father who shows no love or concern for his daughter will make her at risk for depression and she may eventually marry an emotionally unavailable man.

The wives of emotionally unavailable passive aggressive men suffer tremendously. On the one hand they get no emotional response from their spouse which can cause intense loneliness, depression and anxiety. On the other hand, the passive aggressive component causes intense suffering for the spouse. They may argue and he shows no sign of emotion, he keeps completely to himself. He will hold back and as his spouse gets more upset he will act as if nothing is wrong. She will be left feeling uncared for and may not understand the passive aggression. She may feel that she herself is irrational. Often the spouse realizes her husband's passive aggressive behavior only after therapy. She realizes why he drove her to anger and tears constantly and how she was tormented by living with an emotionally unavailable, passive aggressive man who showed no love or care for her and if anything only undermined her self esteem and security.

Emotional unavailable, passive aggressive men are expert liars since they they are nonreactive. The passive aggressive husband will not respond to his wife's anger or sadness or difficulties with their relationship. He will be completely passive while his child is suffering, he will keep back and show no compassion which is his underhanded aggression. Passive aggressive and emotionally unavailable men have very often been abused in childhood and learned not to betray their emotions. The only control they could have was to not show any feeling. The boy who is being beaten by his father has no ability to protect himself, but he can feel control by hiding his emotions. His father can snap at him with a belt buckle but he will not cry. He watches his father's rage grow as he shows no feeling and he learns that he can torment his father by showing no response to the abuse. This is the birth of his passive aggressive behavior. The emotional unavailability is another way of protecting himself, at the cost of ever connecting with someone in a meaningfully way.

One may wonder why any woman would marry an emotionally unavailable, passive aggressive man. The answer usually is that he hid it well. These men, being expert manipulators can turn on the charm at will. Of course they can not do this indefinitely so they will try to achieve their goal quickly. Their goal can be a wife for the purpose of maintaining a semblance of normality, or just for their physical needs. They may want prestige and feel that having a family will help them towards that end. Perhaps they really do want children but then are unable to emotionally connect with them. Appearance is essential to these men and they will maintain it at all costs.

How is a woman to avoid a relationship with an emotionally unavailable passive aggressive men? The most important advice is to trust her instincts. He may appear perfect, smart, great job, good looking, very responsible and accommodating. But if a woman feels some uneasiness she needs to pay close attention to her feelings. Her friends may say they he's a great guy but she feels something is unsettling. The more the relationship goes on the more likely he will slip and show some of his real self. She needs to maintain her self esteem and realize that her emotional needs will never be met with this man. Confronting him with her feelings will do nothing but give him a chance to manipulate her, she needs to end the relationship and avoid a disastrous future with this emotionally unavailable, passive aggressive man.

The above is my opinion based on my disastrous marriage to an emotionally unavailable and passive aggressive man. My goal is to save other woman from a similar fate. Always trust your instincts and if necessary seek guidance from a competent therapist.