The Empty Nest Syndrome

I felt like someone had sucked the breath right out of me. My chest hurt so bad I thought I was having a heart attack. I had held back the tears until I reached the car, but as soon as we were out of sight, they flowed down my cheeks like a busted water pipe.

I had left my 18 year old son in the dorm. He seemed perfectly content in that strange room that didn't yet have his Dale Earnhardt posters on the wall. He was happy with his roommate, a sophomore who also played the drums, but didn't like basketball. He was excited that basketball practice was to start that very afternoon, but he had forgotten to pack his favorite pair of practice shorts.

I thought of every excuse to go back to the school, rather than going to the hotel room we'd rented across town. My dear sweet husband, just patted my shoulder and then picked up my hand and held it while he drove with the other. He hadn't done that in years. It was little comfort.

The three hour drive back to our hometown the next day was the longest three hours of my life. I cried off and on the entire time, as each minute ticked off another mile between me and that tiny baby that I had given birth to. It didn't matter that he was now 6'2" and playing college basketball. In my eyes, he was still that 6 pound 15 ounce bundle of screaming baby boy that they had lain across my chest that night so long ago.

We arrived home and I went into his room...which was now clean for the first time in I couldn't remember when. I laid across his bed, the one that had no sheets, blankets or pillows, because he had taken them all with him! I picked up a shirt that he had decided not to take and put it away in the near empty drawer. Then I sat down in the floor and burst into tears again.

That was six months ago. His room remains empty, except for an occasional weekend visit, that usually involves at least one of his college buddies. I no longer cry at the mention of his name. I still miss him, but I have developed a plan for survival.

1. If your child doesn't have a cell phone, get them one.
Make sure it has plenty of anytime minutes on it. This will allow him to keep in touch with friends that are at other colleges. It also allows you to call and check on him to your hearts content. But more importantly, when your grown-up little girl suddenly finds herself missing Mom and Dad, when the excitement wears off and the first wave of homesickness hits and she can't come home, she can call as many times a day as she needs to.

2. Talk to them, no matter what time they call...or what they need.
The first few days, my son didn't call unless he needed to ask a question about finances, classes, health records or what he was supposed to do when he got stung by fireants while playing ultimate frisbee barefooted. Then classes started, and he began to sense that his life was altered dramatically. He called at 7:15 every morning as he was walking to breakfast just to say "Good Morning" and "I love you, Mom".

He called after chapel every day to tell me who had spoken. He called excited the day that Twila Paris came and brought the African Children's Choir to sing for them. He wanted to go to Zimbabwee on a mission trip and stay with one of the men that was traveling with the choir, for the entire summer.

3. Don't squash their dreams or their desires, even when it seems that they are unrealistic.
I knew that there would be other opportunities for my son to go on a mission trip if that's what he wanted to do. I just let him talk, listened, and responded with non-committal grunts occasionally. It wasn't long before he called back to tell me of another trip that was a little more reasonable, and only two weeks in length. If it isn't going to hurt them physically or emotionally, let them have their dreams. That's what lives are made of.

4. Make it known that you are there for them, no matter what.
When my son was calling every day, it was his way of making sure that Mom was still going to be a part of his life, even though I wasn't right there on campus with him.

We've taken care of the kids...what about the parents?

1. If you're married, talk to each other. Discuss the feelings of emptiness you're feeling.
Even though Dad's might not show their emotions like women do, they still have the empty-nest feeling. Especially if it's a girl that's leaving home. I see it with our daughter and my husband as graduation gets closer and closer for her.
My son and his dad played poker almost every night after dinner. When James left for college, my husband just sat and his recliner and randomly changed channels on the television. After about four days of this, I asked what was wrong. He admitted that he missed their nightly poker games. Now, the girls and I take turns playing with him. I have to admit, I've gotten quite good at bluffing in Texas Hold-em.

2. Find other parents in the same situation.
We were lucky, in that our girls were still in high school, and many of the kids that James had graduated with had younger brothers and sisters at the school as well. Open House was a week after we had taken our college freshmen to campus and left them. I found myself drawn to those mother's.
Now, we meet for lunch once or twice a month. We talk about what's going on with our college students, our high school students and in our own lives. It's a comfort to be able to share with someone how heartbroken you feel when your son decides that he'd rather stay at school and attend "Bikers, Blues and Barbecue" with his friends, than to come home and grill ribs on the patio with his mother.

3. Do something special with his room.
I don't mean take it over and put in a sewing room or an at-home office. That will cause a conflict when they do come home, if they think you don't want them there.
My son is all male. He loves sports: basketball, baseball, race cars; you name it, he'll watch it. He loves to fish and hunt and be outdoors.
I found wall-paper border that had sports paraphenalia on it, that didn't look like it was aimed at someone who was 8 years old. I put up the border in the center of the wall. Over that, I hung up his jersey's from past years, along with various medals, ribbons and certificates. One wall is devoted to all of his John Deere items. I found some masculine looking shelves at a flea market, and hung those near the ceiling, adding trophies from over the years. I bought material with Marine Corp Eagles on it, and made curtains for his window. I found sheets, blankets and comforter with wild game animals on them and even bought him a new pillow so he wouldn't have to carry his back and forth to school
Then I surprised him with his "New room". He loved it. He stayed on his cell phone for hours telling all of his buddies from college what his mom had done with his room. I got invited to come do their dorm room for them.
Not only did I open a line of communication with my child, but I had a blast doing the actual renovations.

The last thing is
4. To take time for yourself.
Perhaps there's a college class that you've been wanting to take. Join a club, begin a new exercise program, read a book, learn to knit. There's so much out there you could do, and let's face it...we're still young right?