The End All Beat All Guide to Dealing with Squirrels

There are a verity of squirrel species on this big, beautiful planet called earth. aside from from gathering nuts like there's no tomorrow, they also have the distinct ability to be annoying pests instead of gracious neighbors. I've learned a lot form my on going tug of war battle with the common tree squirrels outside my dwelling. The must valuable lesson learned thus far is that they can't be trusted.

First of all, they are nothing more than rats with puffy tails. Everyone needs to come to that realization before I get to the good stuff. Did you know some squirrels can glide when there's a wind gust? Yeah, so that means they are flying rats with puffy tails, who defecate on children when bored.

They have the unique ability to walk on power lines without charring their cute little furry hides. How are they able to cheat death so blatantly? That's a rather easy question to answer. Squirrels avoid electrocution because they lack what many people like to refer to as a "soul".

With humans, not having a soul is associated with the inability to see ones self in a mirror, not having morals and not being able to "get it" when it comes to Jazz music. In the animal kingdom it's different. it's usually the perceived "daredevils" that have no soul whatsoever.

Lemmings are known for throwing themselves off cliffs in large numbers. They are seen as being the 4 legged equivalent to the MTV generation to most. thing is, Lemmings aren't as sheepish as they seem. They have unlimited lives, and seem to get off on the thrill of a near death experience.

Fun Fact: Squirrels do have the ability to die. Most are able to conjure up a clone when in dangerous surrounding. That poor squirrel your dad ran over multiple times with in a fit of rage, brought on by excessive amounts of Star Bucks Coffee, was nothing more than a decoy. No worries.

Unfortunately, you have an abundance of misinformed saps in this world who actually feel sorry for roadkill they see on the edge of a road. People can be down right adorable with their stupidity sometimes. The interesting thing is, I have reason to believe squirrels are planning some sort of grand event.

No, this is nothing at all like that impending feline revolution, or french toast uprising of 1436. Me thinks the Squirrels have something a bit more sinister in mind.

What could be seen as the final nail in the coffin for all of humanity, this nation will someday elect a Seal as United States President. Why, you are most likely muttering at this very instant? Because there will come a point in modern society where cute equals trustworthiness, and Tuna will most likely be seen as the spawn of Satan.

On inauguration day, the fish in chief will be kidnapped by tree rodents and held hostage at an undisclosed location(most likely your backyard). Their demands will be lengthy, easy to understand, and wickedly difficult for the cerebral cortex to comprehend at the same time.

In fact, the shear ingeniousness of it can't possibly be written down or typed by a mere mortal. They would most likely hire a freelance Naked Mole Rat to write it all down. I would never compare my (lack of) literary prowess to that of a mole rat. I could only hope to reach that plateau after years of dedication, and excessive bribery.

Alright, lets review: Rats + Flight = Bats + Puffy tails - Soul = Squirrels + Money - Respect for this nations freedom + Connections to wise rodents = Terrorist Squirrels.

Get it? Got it? Good! Now, in order to prevent all this from going down, you must forget every preconceived opinion you have about the squirrel population. They are not cute, interesting, curious, good with Tabasco sauce, etc. There is only one truth about the average squirrel: they are sneaky.

If you're ever on a nature hike, keep a look out for the puffy tailed menace. They might be waiting for the perfect opportunity to steal your valuables, ask you for a nickel, or even tell you an over elaborate pun. Next time you see a squirrel, run until one of your toes dislodges from your left foot...Pick it up, and run some more!