The Entertainment News Update

Now-grown child star Haley Joel Osment pleaded guilty to two misdemeanor counts - one for DUI and the other possession of cannabis - stemming from a July incident that resulted in an accident. Never mind the fact that the movie star is only 19 and that in most states you would get a TON more than what he did, but then again, most 19-year olds never saw dead people. God, he was cute in that movie. He could kill a nun with a hacksaw and he'd probably only get a few days in a low-key prison.

Rosie O'Donnell announced she is going to be in charge of a spin-off show from the series "Nip/Tuck." This is too easy, I'm not even going to make a joke...

T.R. Knight of Grey's Anatomy is out of the closet! I don't even know who T.R. Knight is, but the television star was forced to reveal his sexuality after the National Inquirer ran a story about the fight between Patrick Dempsey and Isaiah Washington that included the dialogue "I'm not your little f****t like (name deleted)." The ACLU is now planning a lawsuit against Washington for his use of the highly offensive term. It their press release, the ACLU said "That n****r don't got no right to call them f****ts." to which Washington replied, "I know what you are, but what am I?" Knight could not be reached for comment, as he was skipping towards Gomorrah with Lance Bass.

Not involved were Lance Armstrong and Matthew McConaughey, who denied this past week that they are gay. Armstrong said "Just because I like spending a lot of time with a hard bicycle seat up my rear end while wearing tights does not make me gay." McConaughey replied saying, "I was dumb enough to turn down the lead in Titanic...if I'm that stupid, wouldn't it have leaked by now?"

Oliver Stone announced he is going to make yet another movie about 9/11. In other news, Stone likes beating horses into pulp, as in green pulp that can be made into money. Tragedy and conspiracy never tasted so good as when you can milk them with conservative, sappy films that are guaranteed to profit.

Filmmaker Sophia Coppola has announced she's expecting a baby girl. She's been expecting for seven months, but apparently none of the hordes of paparazzi which follow filmmakers noticed. Either way, the unborn child already has optioned a screenplay and is signed on to make her acting and/or directorial debut in the 2028 release, "My Family Ensures Me A Career In Film."

Actor Wesley Snipes was indicted on tax fraud for not paying his taxes between 1999 and 2004. All in all, Snipes has defrauded the government out of millions of dollars. Wesley responded to these allegations by saying, "If I filed taxes, I would have had to admit that I worked on movies like Futuresport and The Fan. I have pride, you know." Personally, I wish he would take that pride and just go back to being a near-forgettable star of B-level action movies. Unless he wants to revise Willie Mays Hays, that I'd be cool with.

Actress/Partier-of-the-90s Tara Reid did a tell-all to US Weekly about her botched plastic surgery. While this is a sad state of affairs, Reid concluded the article with a sentence that started "I'll never be perfect again..." Tara, when exactly were you perfect? Was it when you were licking caramel off the chests of multiple NFL players? Was it when you were building the reputation as the biggest A-list drunken whore? Was it when your parents sold you out at age 11 to make a horrible adaptation of a Steven King book?

Eddie Murphy is reportedly the father of the child Scary Spice is expecting. Murphy commented, "This is bound to be the funniest thing I've produced since the early 90s."

Jessica Simpson has announced that she is now her own publicist. Her first statement? "I don't know what a publicist is, but I'm going to be my own." When asked about her love life, Simpson told a crowd of gathered journalists to talk to her spokesperson. Two days later, she sent a press release to the heads of the tabloids that was written in crayon and said "Hi! What's up?" This is like standing on a battlefield and doing jumping jacks in the middle of an open space. It's too easy...

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