The Epic Tale of Cinderella: The Director's Cut

Cinderella was born on a cold day to a very poor man. Historians will agree that it was probably so cold because it was mid-December. A more debated fact is Cinderella's epic battle with Santa Claus, debated so due to the fact that Cinderella wasn't real.

However, our story begins on Cinderella's 17th birthday in mid-July (somehow her birthday switched months). Because her family was so poor they could not afford real gifts so she only received a rock and her mother's left hand. This unfortunately led to her mother bleeding to death, which of course brought down the whole mood of Cinderella's party.

Cinderella and her father buried her in the back yard 3 months later. It would not have taken so long, but they could not afford a shovel and had to dig out the grave with one of Cinderella's toenail clippings.

Her father, being a lady's man, had a new wife the next day.

"This is the woman who will replace your mother. Her name's..." he paused "Something with a J..." he paused again. "Sharon? Just call her Mom. It will be easier." He then downed a bottle of scotch and abruptly passed out.

"This house is hideous. Look at the floors. They're covered in dirt." Her new step-mother said.

"That's because we have dirt floors, Sharon." Cinderella said.

"It's Gloria, actually." She said.

"Ok, Josephine." Cinderella answered.

"Gloria."

"David?"

"How did you get David out of...? Just sweep up these floors." And she stormed off.

Cinderella took out the broom and began to sweep.

After several hours, her step-mother was back, this time with 2 girls she introduced as her daughters.

"Make us dinner." The first said.

"Perform a one-person production of Othello for us." said the second.

"Now, my darlings, we must prepare for the King's ball." Her step-mother said.

Cinderella went to her room and got her mother's severed hand. It smelled quite terrible, and had dried and shriveled in a monstrous way. She held it against her.

"I wish I could go to the ball." She said to herself. But, the hand closed in its thumb and her closet flew open. There inside was a golden-silver dress.

"Well, it's nice," she began "but gold doesn't really match my skin tone." The closet door closed again and reopened with a blue dress inside.

"I think a green dress would bring out my eyes." The door repeated its process and now had a green dress inside. She walked over to it and examined the closet.

"What? No Shoes?" she asked.

Just then three doves flew into her room and began to sing,

"Be not greedy, lest ye seek," sang the first.

"A fate that's black and surely bleak," sang the second.

"Holy Crap! Talking birds!" said the third.

"Aaah! Demon Birds!" Cinderella screamed. She threw a rock and hit the middle bird, knocking it to the ground. The other two escaped with no injuries.

She looked back and saw a pair of slippers on the closet floor.

"My God," she said. " I have a magic closet!" the head flew up and hit her in the back of the head in a Judo Chop, just the way her mother had always done (So, it wasn't always a happy family, big deal.)

She realized that the hand had granted her wish... and that the nuclear power plant had been somehow mutating birds, but that wasn't important.

Her step-sisters walked in just as she closed the closet door.

"So, your mother cut off her own hand and died?" the first taunted.

"So, she really did die by her own hand. How ironic." said the second.

"It's not ironic. It's really just a play on words. Kind of a pun." Cinderella said.

"No, it's irony, because she did it to herself." Her step-sister said.

"No, not really. There's no irony." Cinderella argued.

"Whatever, Cindy. Yeah, we'll just start calling you Cindy from now on. How about that, Cindy?" her first step-sister taunted.

"Well, actually that sounds more pleasant than Cinderella. It's shorter and sort of more fun, too." Cinderella said.

"Well, fine we'll call you... Dave." The second said.

"Ok, I really don't see any logic in that at all." Cinderella/Dave said. With that, they stormed out.

Cinderella's/Cindy's/Dave's father died mysteriously that night. The newspaper article read: Poor man dies of multiple stab wounds in the night. No foul play suspected. Old Widow of the man claims: "Probably the smoking that killed him."

The night of the ball, Cinderella had already performed Othello, Romeo & Juliet, Macbeth, and several other one-person plays at the command of her step-family.

When it was time for the ball, her step-mother and step-sisters went outside and rode away. Cinderella went up to her room and got dressed for the ball. She took her mother's hand and wished for transportation to the ball. A white horse appeared.

"Horse allergy." A mule appeared.

"Mule allergy." A dog appeared.

"Now, that's just ridiculous." A bicycle appeared, and the pinky finger curled in on her mother's hand.

She rode the bike down the road, (which was quite difficult in her high heels and dress) before she realized that she didn't know where she was going.

She wished for a map, leaving only two wishes.

When she arrived at the King's castle nobody recognized her, like when Superman puts on glasses everyone thinks he's Clark Kent.

She danced with the Prince (or more accurately, the royal person formerly known as the Prince) all night and at the end she realized she had to beat the others home. She raced off and leapt onto the bike. She tried to pedal, but the shoes made it far too difficult. She threw them off and pedaled onward.

The Prince bellowed, "Stop that ten-speed!" but it was too late... and it was a twelve-speed.

The prince took the shoes and for the next few weeks searched for the woman.

Creepy? Obsessive? No... well, yes, actually, but it was love too.

When he came to Cinderella's house they closed her up in her room.

The Prince had one step-sister try it on as he waited outside. Cinderella wished that her step-mother would suggest something overly ridiculous and unconventional to her step-daughter.

One Wish Left.

"It doesn't fit. It's too small." The step-daughter said.

"Then cut off your toes." The step-mother said.

"What? No!" she said.

"Do it." Step-mother said.

"No."

"Do it."

"I'm not cutting my toes off, psycho." The step-sister said.

So, the step-mother took a hatchet and cut off her daughter's toes. The shoe fit, but the step-sister went into shock and lay motionless and pale on the floor.

So, the step-mother had the other step-sister try on the shoe. It was far too big a shoe for her.

Cinderella wished for her step-mother to suggest something completely ridiculous again. It was her last wish.

"Eat a lot of food, so your foot gets fat." She said.

"He's waiting outside." Step-sister said.

"So, eat butter." Step-mother said.

"We don't have time." Step-sister said.

So, the step-mother started shoving every piece of food in the house, into her daughter's mouth. Unfortunately, she began to choke and fell dead on the floor.

The Prince stormed in, "What's taking so long? I just asked you to try on a shoe." His eyes fell on the dead girl to the girl who was pale and motionless. "So... I'm guessing it didn't fit."

"I can try it on." The step-mother said enthusiastically.

"No, you're way too old. You look like Catherine Hepburn or that woman in Titanic." She asked.

"The one who threw the Blue Heart of the Ocean Jewel over the edge?" she asked.

"No, Leonardo DiCaprio. ZING!" the Prince said.

Cinderella's step-mother looked outraged and close to tears; dry, old person tears. A loud knocking came from Cinderella's room.

"Is there someone else?" the Prince asked.

"No, that's just Dave." Her step-mother said.

"I'm a girl! My name's Cinderella!" She screamed from her bedroom.

"Your name is Dave!" her step-mother yelled back, but the Prince was already unlocking the door. Cinderella walked into the room with the Prince.

"I haven't tried it on." She said.

The Prince handed Cinderella the shoe. IT was a perfect fit.

So, the Prince and Cinderella walked outside and stepped into his carriage.

However, after dating for a few months they realized they didn't really have a strong connection and separated.

However, Cinderella later married a man who bred elephants.

The Prince married a woman who looked strangely like Leonardo DiCaprio.

Cinderella's step-mother married one of the seven dwarves, but he sneezed on her and she caught the Ebola virus and she died horribly.

The toeless step-sister invented the world's first sandals, but was hit by a bus before patenting the idea.

No animals were harmed in the writhing of this story...

Except for Talking Dove #2, lest we forget him.