The Evolution of a Pro-Choice Feminist

Nothing in life is ever what it seems especially the issue of abortion; growing up, I was given the message by media and culture, that the only thing that matters is what I want in life and if a pregnancy got in the way, then I only have to terminate it because my ambitions super cede all other demands.

I bought into this fallacy lock, stock and barrel and now that I'm pregnant with my first precious child, I feel so ashamed of how shallow, fickle and self-absorbed that belief system can be.

Many parents are permanently altered when their child is born but, I am forever changed by the day we went for our ultra-sound, even now, I find impossible to write this down without weeping.

I had no idea what to expect when the technician asked "are you ready to see your baby?"

I guess I had a vague notion that there would be a blob on screen or a fuzzy image of something but, what I expected and what I saw are impossibly separate.

There, right there on the screen was a fully formed human being, he was the size of a peanut and so infused with life that he couldn't sit still for the technician, he squirmed and flailed his arms around and pumped his fist and hiccupped and kicked his legs and arched his back, his perfect profile broke me into a thousand pieces. He is a fully living being, completely sentient and communicating his feelings already; he was cramped and frustrated and something akin to bored.

I had never seen anything like this in my entire life; I was seeing a miracle so profoundly beautiful that I felt my mind explode and my heart split in half and my core sliced through with awe. I went from living a one dimensional life into a multi-faceted world of mystery and glory and creation.

My life, my world view and my belief system shifted in that instant; I truly felt that I was encountering the divine.

My ultra-sound was at nineteen weeks and they perform abortions in this part of Canada up to twenty-one weeks.

We absolutely must find a new way to communicate the life altering choice that abortion is, that it's not easy and it is murder; this is a life being taken.

I was given a clear message by society that abortion is a viable option if an unwanted or unexpected pregnancy gets in the way of my plans; today, I am deeply infuriated and offended by this message, as if my needs are the centre of the universe and only my desires matter.

North American culture makes everything sound so easy; sex, abortion. We're sold the biggest lie of all that it's possible to completely control our destiny and to live consequence free, its part and parcel of the narcissism we're encouraged to nurture.

Life is a force bigger than all of us and at all times there are literally millions of pieces in operation at any given time and it's impossible to control every facet of our lives, certainly impossible to live without consequences.

Every choice has a price; there are no free paths in life and we can never control every moving part, anyone who tells you different is lying; unplanned, unexpected, unwanted things happen all the time as part of the natural flow of being alive.

I am so grateful that I was never in a position to make such an unbearable choice to terminate a pregnancy.

I am still strongly pro-choice in incidents of violence, rape, medical intervention and other 'extraordinary' circumstances; I can not clearly define those because as soon as I do, life comes up with unforeseen and unexpected factors.

What I want is a more honest conversation about abortion and the consequences of every choice we make and that nothing in life that matters is easy or free.